Flashback to the Year When Stefan Danced With Katherine At the VERY First Founder’s Ball Ever!
Oh look! They are doing the “look don’t touch dance” that Damon did with Elena at the Miss Mystic Falls Pageant!
But then Stefan looks away from Katherine and sees sad-face Damon.
But what’s this!?!?!
Sad-face Damon is with Elena and now they aren’t at the Founder’s Ball. They are at The Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls and Elena and Damon are playing pool! Without Stefan!
But WHAT’S THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Team Dalena KISSING!!!!
Don’t be sad Stefan, Katherine will comfort you.
Katherine: You loved me once, Stefan. You can love me again.
Stefan: *Wakes Up* *Wipes sweat off his forehead* WORST dream EVER!! Oh HAI Elena, sleeping chastely on my chest.
Katherine: Sup baby.
Stefan: *vampire bed toss* WTF Katherine, I thought you were Elena!
Ok, time out! HOW in the world does Katherine keep tricking these Salvatore boys? I mean, for one thing…I’m pretty sure that humans smell differently to vampires then vampires smell to other vampires…like they have warm human alive blood running through their veins that smells sweet, like freesia, OR like something that actually IS mouthwatering—like chocolate. Or cake. Or chocolate cake. Also, vampires I think are cold—right? RIGHT? So if the girl in your bed doesn’t smell like food, isn’t warm to the touch, and doesn’t have super perfect shiny vampire skin, isn’t it safe to say that you’re in bed with a vampire and not your human girlfriend?
And Damon!!!! Were Elena’s lips cold when you kissed her last season or hot? They were cold! They had to be! THESE are the things I wonder about.
Ok. Rant over.
So….where were we? Right, Stefan threw *vampire-tossed* Katherine out of his bed.
Katherine: I can kill you. A lot.
Stefan: WTF do you want?
Katherine: YOU! The you who fell in love with me and the you who is going to love me again. *vampire snarl* Whether you like it or not!
Stefan: I’d say not.
The Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls
Elena: Damon, just for the record, in case you had any misconceptions about my hating you, for the record, I still hate you.
Damon: *hides his Team Dalena button* That’s what you say now.
Elena: I’m serious! This scene wasn’t simply written in here to reestablish our animosity and intense raw animal attraction to each other.
Damon: It wasn’t?
Elena: No, we’re supposed to establish the setting for this entire episode. Aunt Jenna’s BBQ. You’re not invited BTW.
Damon: Baby, I invented BBQs. Also, I brought the peach cobbler.
Elena: You know I hate peach. *pouts*
Damon: *wiggles eyebrows* I know…
Mason: In case you missed last week’s episode, I’m a werewolf. But Tyler, you’re not, because you’ll never trigger the curse. Ever.
Tyler: I’d trigger it if you told me what is was! BTW did you ever find that moonstone?
Mason: No, why?
Stefan: Katherine! WHY did you read my diary? That’s personal.
Katherine: Someone had to reestablish the reason this show is called the Vampire DIARIES!
Katherine: Also, this glass of football player is quite delightful. *turns the page* Oh! And a werewolf sighting. You know if they bite you, you’re dead. Just saying.
Stefan: I knew that already. Learned it last episode.
Katherine: Fine! Here’s something you don’t know. The Lockwoods drove the vampires out of Mystic Falls. Now sit back and get ready for several moments of back-story, brought to you by the sponsors of the FLASHBACK.
Flashback to the Year When the Lockwoods Were the First LockWOLVES EVER!
Close up on GEORGE Lockwolf! The first Lockwolf! This flashback serves no real purpose other than to introduce the character of George.
Katherine: So anyway, as I was saying, George Lockwolf was the first wolf and he passed the genes down, but most of the men aren’t wolves and wolves are so rare they almost barely exist at all, except in
Stefan: Ok…anything else?
Katherine: *rips picture of herself out of Stefan’s diary* YOU kept my picture. YOU still love me!
Stefan: Well… Maybe!
Katherine: Kiss me!
Stefan: *Kiss* *STAB*
Aww, Stefan! Right in Katherine’s back! You are Bad Ass!
Salvatore Dungeon—AKA Where They Grow The Anti-Damon
Stefan: *chains Katherine to the wall* Now let the question and answer torturing session begin.
Katherine: I already told you. I’m here for you.
Stefan: * puts on gloves* *grabs Anti-Damon* *Smushes it on her FACE*
Stefan: Why are you here?
Katherine: Ready for more back story in the form of a flashback?
Stefan: Am I wearing suspenders?
Katherine: Of course.
Stefan: Yippee! Let the flashback begin!
Flashback to the Year When Katherine Admits She’s a Vampire and George Admits He’s a LockWOLF.
George Lockwolf: This founders ball is the greatest founders ball ever. I think my father will throw one every year and someday it will be featured as a plot point in several episodes of a show about our progeny.
Katherine: For the record, I am a vampire. You are a werewolf. You can kick some serious ass, but vampires still win. So suck it.
Stefan: And the part where I where suspenders happens when?
La Casa De Elena
Aunt Jenna: Did you hear I’m hosting a BBQ? I’ve never hosted anything before. I barely spend 5 minutes in each episode.
Elena: Yeah well that’s why the guest list is so small.
Aunt Jenna: Who’s coming?
Elena: Well, me, Caroline, Stefan, Damon, Mason and Alaric.
Aunt Jenna: That sounds awkward. Oh look, everyone’s here!
Mason: *shakes Damon’s hand* Hi! I heard you rock.
Damon: Actually, I suck. *wink, wink*
Elena heads to the porch to call Stefan because he’s late!
Caroline: Hi, Elena! *devours a bag of chips* I can’t stop eating! *eats an entire squirrel* I have to eat ALL the time now because it curbs the craving for blood. *Gnaws on the tree Bark*
Elena: Blood craving?
Caroline: You are so dense Elena. You’re like Stefan’s own brand of heroine, he just wants to bite into you every time he’s near you but he has to fight the very essence of his being and his nature and his soul not to kill you. Every second he’s near you it TEARS him apart until he’s barely a man anymore and just a sniveling piece of nothing lusting for blood.
Edward Cullen: Well, put! Like poetry.
Elena: I had no idea I did that to him.
Caroline: I’m not surprised. BTW, is Bonnie invited to the BBQ?
Elena: No, she's not in this episode.
Katherine: So what is the deal with you and Elena? You pretend to be human?
Stefan: I’m myself.
Katherine: Whatever. Ready for another flashback?
Stefan: Do I get to wear suspenders?
Flashback to the Year When Stefan Brought Katherine Home From the Ball and Proclaimed his Love!
Stefan: *10 minutes of ooey gooey love babbling* Blah blah blah Angel blah blah blah Passion blah blah blah I bladity blah blah LOVE you!
Katherine: I have to go now.
Katherine: Don’t worry, you just surprised me with all your bladity blah blahing.
Inside Katherine’s Room
Damon: Is my brother done confessing his bladity blah blah love for you? Let’s make out.
Katherine: *compels Damon to leave*
Is Katherine actually in love with Stefan?
Back to the Dungeon
Katherine: You see Stefan. I never compelled your love! It was real and so was mine!
Aunt Jenna’s BBQ
Hey if this is a BBQ how come everyone’s inside playing Pictionary and I don’t see a single hamburger?
Damon: *draws a picture of a wolf*
Mason: Mason Lockwood!
Damon: Winner! *heads to kitchen with Elena* Is that real silver?
Damon: Sweet! *grabs a knife*
Stefan is totally sitting on the floor with his shoulders hunched over and sounds like he’s ready to cry and OMG Katherine are you lying or telling me the truth, did you really love me? Did my overly long confession really mean something to you? I’m SO confused!
Katherine: I only compelled you after you knew what I was because you were scared of me.
Stefan: That was nice of you.
Katherine: Yeah but then I made a secret deal with George Lockwolf that if we killed every vampire I was friends with he’d let me go free.
Stefan: That was not nice of you.
Katherine: Anyway, after I helped George Lockwood create the great Mystic Falls Massacre of a really long time ago, I tried to see you one more time, but your dad poisoned your blood with Anti-Damon and messed everything up. Then Damon totally messed things up when he tried to rescue me and your dad shot you both to death.
Stefan: So Damon and I died for nothing!?!?!?!?
Katherine: Of course not. You died for me. Totally worth it!
Aunt Jenna’s BBQ
Damon: Here Mason! Use this silver knife to get a yummy piece of peach pie!
Mason: *grabs the pie with his hands* What an animal!
Then we get a bunch of insinuations about Mason being a wolf and Damon being a vampire, and Alaric looks like he wants to get out of the crossfire now!
Elena: Would I be the worst friend in the world if I left you alone at my aunt’s BBQ where you have no friends at all
Caroline: You’re kidding right?
Caroline: Whatever. I’ll drive.
Caroline heads out to her car and OOOPS! She let the air out of her tire!
Mason: So Damon, just so you know, I know you know I'm a werewolf and I know you're a vampire.
Damon: This conversation is oddly reminiscent of another conversation already in this episode.
Mason: Repetition usually works well in these kinds of shows.
Mason: So can we be friends?
Damon: *grabs a silver knife*
Aunt Jenna: Ok, party's over. Thanks for coming to my BBQ but there is too much testosterone in this room for me. Which reminds me. Where's Jeremy.
Alaric: You have got to keep better track of your charges.
Damon: He's not in this episode.
Caroline: Just so you know Elena, you and Stefan are totally going to fail. Ok, the percentage of human and non-human relationships that survive are zil to none!
Edward: *coughs in the backseat* My relationship with the reason for my being survived.
Caroline: Shut up, Edward! You turned Bella into a vampire. Doesn't count.
Elena: I hate this conversation.
Caroline's Car: Me too! I'm ready to break down now. EEEEEEEEEEEEEE *tire squeal*
Caroline: And reason number one hundred billion, two hundred zillion and five for breaking up with Stefan is...
Elena: I get it! Ok!
Bella: Don't forget that you might want babies!
Elena: Stay out of this Bella! That's it! I'm leaving! I'm going to find Stefan and we are NOT breaking up!
Mystic Falls: Outside the Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls
Damon: Hey Mason!
Mason: Oh hi, Damon.
Damon: Say hello to my silver knife! *Stab*
Mason: AAAAAAAAAAH! *pulls knife out* Dude! The silver thing is only a myth! Damn it. Now we're enemies. Just like every other show and book and movie that features our species.
Damon: Aw, crap.
Katherine: Are you done torturing me?
Katherine: I already told you. I want you back and I'm going to kill Elena.
Stefan: I don't believe you, because you would have killed her already.
Katherine: Well, duh! She's the star of the show, if I kill her, my contract is up.
Stefan: That might be because your the same person.
Katherine: Irregardless, I want her dead.
Stefan: *protective vampire snarl*
Katherine: *super vampire eyes*
Katherine: I KNEW you loved me. Also you're never ever going to see Elena again or I'll kill everyone she knows while she watches and then I'll kill her too!
Katherine: *snaps out of chains*
Stefan: What!?!? I thought I'd weakened you with Anti-Damon.
Katherine: I've spent the last several years developing an immunity to
Elena: Stefan? Are you home?
Katherine: *Stefan-Stab* *Runs out of dungeon* Oh hai, Elena!
Katherine: I have to say, my hair is much better!
Elena: Ok, now that was weird!
Stefan: Yeah, but perhaps a little anticlimactic since they used this scene in all the trailers.
Elena: Shut up.
The Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls: Bathroom
Caroline: Hi, Katherine.
Katherine: HOW HARD IS IT TO KEEP ELENA FROM STEFAN?!?!!?!!!
Caroline: I did a lot of brainwashing today! I even had Bella Swan talk to her.
Katherine: You idiot!!!! You keep them apart or I'll rip YOU apart!
Mason: It's getting close to the end of the episode so I figured I'd tell you how to trigger the curse.
Mason: You have to kill a person!
The Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls
Caroline: Elena, I'm SO sorry that I told you your relationship with Stefan was doomed.
Elena: It's ok, you were trying to be nice, in your crazy, neurotic, insensitive way.
Caroline: It's my vampire power. *smiles*
Elena: Ok, well me and Stefan are never breaking up, so it's okay.
Stefan: Elena....I think we should break up!
Elena: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *runs home*
Outside the Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls
Damon: Hi, Katherine.
Katherine: Why so sad? Miss me?
Damon: No! I hate you. I'm just pissed I didn't skin a werewolf today.
Katherine: Don't be the hero, you'll die.
Damon: Yeah, well maybe this time it'll be worth it!
La Casa De Elena's
Elena walks into her room looking oh so sad and then...Stefan is behind her! PSYCH! They didn't break up! It was just a ruse to convince Caroline so she'd report back to Katherine! Oh Stefan, you really DO love Elena. But Damon overheard too. Should we tell him? Nah! Because THAT won't bite you in the butt three episodes from now.
Stefan: Katherine does not love me. She is incapable of love.
Flashback to the Year When Katherine Proves She Is Capable of Love:
Katherine gives George the moonstone that Mason has been whining about for 3 episodes and that Tyler is hiding and just before she leaves she goes to say goodbye to dead Stefan laying on the ground after being shot by his father and caresses his face and says she loves him and looks at the moon and then modern day Katherine looks at the moon and thinks about loving Stefan and OMG does Katherine actually love Stefan? This is new!
P.S. Caroline, I was sufficiently dissapointed in your performance this episode! Next week, BE MORE AWESOME! Find some bunnies. And someone bring back Jeremy! Ok?
P.P.S. There is a shortage of shirtless scenes involving the Salvatore boys, someone should jump on that as well.
That is all.