Monday, October 11, 2010

Vampire Diaries Season 2 Episode 5: Kill or Be Killed

Opening Credits

Flashback to The Year Mason Became a Lockwolf


Mason is sitting at NOT The Only Bar In Mystic Falls! He finishes off his drink and leaves. Some guy follows him out and smacks him!

Mason: DUDE! Jimmy, why you frontin?

Jimmy: Because you screwed my girlfriend, Marla!

Mason: Dude, I did not!


Mason: *Pre-werewolf curse trigger super drop*

Jimmy: Is dead

Poor Jimmy. Poor Mason. And poor Marla. If I was Marla, I totally would have screwed Mason.

Lockwolf Mansion/Manor/Estate/Town/Plantation

Tyler: Wait, so he died?

Mason: It was self defense. He kept coming at me.

Tyler: So were you banging his girlfriend.

Mason: Yes No! And then I turned into a wolf. I have to sedate myself and chain myself on a full moon or I’ll kill everybody. Also this werewolf life, you do not want. So can I get that moonstone?

Tyler: No. Ok here’s the super secret compartment where my dad probably hid the moonstone that I took out and stole. Oh! Geez, it’s not here. Bummer.

Mason: *growls*

La Casa De Elena’s

Elena: *primps in the mirror*

Jeremy: Woohoo! I’m in this episode. Also…Tyler’s a werewolf! WOW!

Elena: Stay away from werewolves. They bite.

Jeremy: Oh no. I’m looking into one for sure. I have the super special Gilbert ring!

Elena: Oh whatever, no one listens to me anyway. *opens closet for coat*



Stefan: *KISS*

Elena: Today sucks! I have to pretend I hate you so Caroline will overhear and tell Katherine and she won’t make me dead.

Stefan: Well let’s make up a super secret code. Like when I say “You self absorbed doppelganger wannabe, fake-diary-writer who was adopted!” I really mean, “Oh baby you so fine how can I make you all of mine?”

Elena: I don’t like this code.

Caroline’s House: It’s Always Sunny in Mystic Falls

Officer Forbes: We’re going to spend the whole entire day together. Me and you, you and me, together. Today. All day.

Caroline: Whatever.

Officer Forbes: So why was Elena over last night?

Caroline: Elena? That wasn’t Elena! God, Mom! Why can’t you tell the difference between my real best friend and her evil vampire twin? I thought you cared about my life!

Officer Forbes: You know…you’re different. Your skin is extra smooth and sometimes your teeth grow and also you tend to have a vampire face. At times.

Caroline: Oh so you think you know me now! Worst. Mom. Ever.

Officer Forbes: So you’re not a vampire?

Mystic Falls Historical Society Day Picnic

Mrs. Lockwood: Yay! We have a new park!

Stefan approaches Mason Lockwood and is all like, hey man, sorry my evil brother went all psycho on you and tried to silver you to the death, but like I think we use the same hair gel and probably ought to be friends because I just can’t handle one more werewolf/vampire showdown after Elena dragged me to Eclipse three times.

Edward Cullen: It was an EXCELLENT movie and how can you betray our race and talk to this dog?

Stefan: Not helping Edward!

Jacob Black: Be strong, Mason! Don’t give in. Vampires suck.

Mason: Yeah, sure whatever.

Stefan: Just don’t mess with us because there’s one of you and two of us. So we totally win! Yay!

Damon: WHAT are you doing? What What WHAT are you doing?

Stefan: Trying to get you not killed. Also, I wonder if Mason has a workout buddy. He has really great arms.

The Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls

So Jeremy is sitting alone sketching in his notebook like the town loner or the totally messed up kid whose parents just died and lost his girlfriend to vampirism and then had his memory erased and had his new girlfriend burned to death for being a vampire and then tried to kill himself and become a vampire only to fail and be murdered the next day but saved by a magic ring and just discovered werewolves exist.

Some girl named Sarah has the hots for him and then Amy who likes Matt but can’t seem to stay away from Tyler is like hey—Party at Tyler’s!

Tyler: Jeremy, you’re coming right? Right?

Jeremy: To the Wolf House!

Mystic Falls Picnic Day

Mason: Officer Forbes, can I be in the super secret town council?

Officer Forbes: The first rule of the super secret council is no one talks about the super secret council!

Mason: Ok so can I be in the you know what….nudge. nudge…wink, wink?

Officer Forbes:…

Mason: Damon and Stefan are vampires!

Officer Forbes: Sorry stupid, but they walk in the sun!

Mason: No, not anymore, the figured out a way. I’ll prove it.

Officer Forbes: No! Not Damon! He’s my friend. He’s a vampire killer.

Mason: I’ll prove it to you!

Meanwhile Caroline and Elena are walking and Caroline is bitching about her mom and Elena is bitching about Stefan and Caroline is like OOOH yeah, keep bitching about Stefan. Katherine’s orders…I mean…what?

Damon: Hey Officer Forbes. Did Mason tell you I was a vampire?

Officer Forbes: Yes. Hello, Damon.

The Exchange of Longing Looks Between Stefan and Elena

Stefan: *longing look*

Elena: *longer look*

Caroline: Stop looking at each other immediately!

Elena runs over to Stefan because she absolutely must talk to him and also engage in a fake fight, especially now that Damon is watching and as Caroline and Damon listen in they use their special code words and somehow it just sounds like a really lame fight to me and not like a secret declaration of love.

Party at the Lockwolf’s!

Sarah: Wheeee drinking makes me drunk!

Amy: I’m here to reinforce the plotline I was a part of two episodes ago. Otherwise I don’t think I serve any purpose.

Tyler: Your reinforcing of your plotline reinforces my own. *growl*

Jeremy: Look, I draw pictures of wolves!

Tyler: You. Me. Bedroom. Now!

Sarah and Amy: Maybe we’re not getting any tonight…

Alone in Tyler’s Dad’s office Tyler shoves Jeremy against the wall!

The wall: OOOMPH!

Jeremy: OMG what are you doing? I thought that…I thought…

Tyler: You thought what!?!?

Jeremy: I thought you liked girls!

Tyler: What! I DO!

Jeremy: So you ARE a werewolf!


Jeremy: Are you?

Tyler: Not yet. First I have to kill a person.

Jeremy: Oh ok. Just don't kill me if you do that.

Tyler: Deal.

Mystic Falls Picnic

Damon: Hello, Mason! Lovely day today is it not?

Mason: F. U.

Damon: Stefan, why are you fake fighting with Elena? It’s not about ME is it? *wiggles eyebrows*

Stefan: I am not fake fighting with her. I am real fighting with her and also we’re not fighting about you, or the fact that you not-kissed her at the end of last season. Also she hates you. Go away.

Damon: Fine! I shall treat myself to a refreshing glass of lemonade. *sip* OOOOH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Stefan: Are the lemons sour?

Damon: *falling over* Anti-Damon!

Officer Forbes: O.M.G. They ARE vampires! Nooooooooooooooooooooo!

Meanwhile Caroline and Elena are walking through the woods.

Elena: Caroline, why are you a liar such a good friend?

Caroline: *smiles* Katherine told me to do it.

Elena: Ok...

Caroline: WAIT! I hear something with my super vampire hearing! My mom is going to kill Stefan and Damon!

Elena: WHAT! This is going to make it hard to look like we're fake fighting *pouts*

Stefan: Ok, Damon! Now that Mason's Anti-Damoned you I'm pissed. Let's kill him.

Damon: You really ARE a bad ass this season.

Stefan: Well you're kind of mopey and I had to step up.

Damon: Mason. You Anti-Damoned me. Prepare to die.

Stefan and Damon: Are shot! And injected!

Mason: Gotcha! Ok Officer Forbes, let us bring these blood suckers into the torture chamber slave quarters.

In the Lockwolf Torture Chamber

Mason: You're totally going to kill them, right?

Officer Forbes: Totally. Now get out of here. This is super secret council stuff.

Picnic Woods

Caroline is racing through the trees tracking Stefan and Damon like Aragorn wearing a Legolas wig! And then she finds blood!

Caroline: A vampire lay here. And next to him, the other.

Mason: Looking for Stefan and Damon?

Caroline: Tell me where they are and no one gets hurt.

Mason: *grabs Elena* You can't hurt me.

Caroline: Oh yeah? *Super vampire turbo charge face-kick* *Fight! Fight! Caroline wins!* Told ya! Best vampire ever!!!!

Oh Caroline, you are officially my favorite again!

Torture Chamber

Officer Forbes: How old are you Damon? And how do you walk in the sun.

Damon: *moans*

Officer Forbes: *Shoots*

Damon: OW! My knee cap!

Officer Forbes: Tell me what I need to know and I'll kill you quickly.

Damon: *delirious from gun shots and Anti-Damon*

Officer Forbes: *shoots*

Damon: OW! WTF!

Officer Forbes: *prepares to shoot...* WTF...

And suddenly Elena has burst into the scene to NOT save the day because she's pretty much useless and has no weapons or super powers but Caroline DOES have super powers and she's blurring around the dungeon and biting every police officer's neck until it's just her and her mom and oh crap! MAKE UP! Why does Caroline have the psycho-blood chin again. Anyway, the teeth are out of the mouth. Caroline's mom knows--her daughter is a vampire!

Damon: *drinks an officer* Well, I feel better! Geez Officer Forbes! When did you get so trigger happy? I thought we were friends.

Officer Forbes: Kill me!

Damon: Psssh! Friends don't kill friends. *wiggles eyebrows* See, vampires can be nice.

Officer Forbes: *looks at Caroline* Just kill me!

Meanwhile Stefan is all weak and Caroline and Damon are trying to get him to drink but he won't have it. Must stay true to diet!

Elena: Leave him alone! He's on Weight Watchers!

Lockwolf Manor

So finally Sarah and Amy are like why are we so drunk in a mansion with two cute boys and no one is kissing anyone. So they burst in on Tyler and Jeremy who are looking at the moonstone and steal it and then Sarah runs up the stairs with it to get Jeremy to chase her so they can do it and Tyler is not having it and runs after her and grabs the moonstone and pushes her down the stairs where she falls down dead.  Oh wait she's not dead. Man, she must have a hard head and Tyler and Jeremy can stop holding their breath. We have at least another episode before Tyler goes all wolf-like.

Salvatore Mansion

All the vampires plus Elena and Caroline's mom head into the mansion and Stefan looks a lot better and Caroline seems chipper and asks if he had any bunny. I LOVE Caroline! She's so back to being awesome again. And then Officer Forbes has to stay in the dungeon until Damon can compel her to forget and she's all like keep Caroline away from me she's not my daughter anymore and Caroline is like nooooooooo. Also Stefan wants to drink the people blood again so he can be strong enough to fight Katherine who has an immunity to iocaine powder Anti-Damon and Elena is like noooooooooo and then suddenly her fake fight with Stefan is totes a real fight!

Caroline: Elena, I need to tell you something. I'm secretly selling you out to Katherine because she said if I didn't listen I'd never have any screen time and I'd always have the bad make up job especially when I drink blood.

Elena: Oh thank goodness you told me. Now I can stop fake fighting with Stefan.

Caroline: You were fake fighting?

Elena: Just go to sleep.

Lockwolf Manor

Mason: *calls Officer Forbes* So are the vampires dead or what? Hello? Hello?

Tyler: I almost killed a girl today and that sucked so take your moonstone kthnxbai!

Mason: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Salvatore Mansion

Elena: Hey Damon thanks for being nice to Caroline's mom. I probably will hate you a little less in the next episode and about three episodes from now when it's time for a hiatus and we need a really big cliffhanger I might even kiss you again--except it'll be for reals.

Damon: Sweet!

Elena: *goes to see Stefan* Ok, so I think you need to kick Katherine's ass and drink the people blood but since I'm your girlfriend, I think you should drink mine. *cuts hand* OW! Papercut. Drink.

Stefan: I don't know, what if I drink too much and this could end badly but oh you smell yummy. *Slurp Slurp*

Elena: Yay! You controlled your hunger. Let's make out.

Lockwolf Woods: Some car

Mason gets into a car in the woods and inside is... KATHERINE! Hey girl, where've you been all episode? There was a serious lacking of flashbacks and crazy kissing for the past hour.

Mason: I can fix that! *Kiss*

Also the flashback to the night Mason activated his wolf curse shows that Katherine probably compelled Jimmy to think Marla had screwed Mason just so he'd kill the man and become a wolf. Oh Katherine, you are something else.

Katherine: No kissing! Because A) you messed with the Salvatores today and only I get to mess with the Salvatores and B) Where the hell is my moonstone?

Mason: I got it.

Katherine: Let the kissing begin!

Ye gods! Nina Dobrev is the LUCKIEST girl in the world right now.

Also, CW--WHY is there such a lack of shirtless action this season? I'm just saying....Mason, Damon and Stefan are precious resources totally going to waste.

Bonnie: What about me? I haven't even been in the last episodes.

Aunt Jenna: Can it, Witch!



  1. Love your reviews! yes, we need more shirtless action :)

  2. What are you doing???? What! What! What are you doing???? Thank you for bringing in Sassy Gay Friend!!!!!!

  3. Vine, Thanks! We need a petition. I want my shirtlessness!

    ylime, hehehe! That was all I could think when Damon said that!

    PaulaKay, Yay, glad you enjoyed :D

  4. Omg!! You made my day!! I always wait to see what epic recap you do. As I'm laughing so hard reading these my kids look at me like your crazy mom! I love the whole scene with Stefan and Mason and especially the part with 'Eclipse',Edward and Jacob! Seriously Caroline is becoming a total badass vamp! Nina is a lucky beyotch I'm so jealous and she gets paid for it!

  5. YES. Sassy Gay Best Friend reference! LOVE IT.

    "Poor Jimmy. Poor Mason. And poor Marla. If I was Marla, I totally would have screwed Mason."

    LOL. I must agree with this statement.


  7. Hi. i was wondering when you guys would have some new TVD episode recaps, because i <3 your recaps!! :D


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