I already know this is going to be the BEST. EPISODE. EVER! Why? Because Mason’s Werewolves Gone Wild video is playing on repeat in Tyler’s room! WOOHOO!
Meanwhile, Tyler is grabbing all sorts of things to aide his transformation. And one more call to Mason.
Mason’s Phone: This number has been disconnected on account of Mason is dead.
Tyler: Why don’t you EVER answer your phone!
And then…some girl is listening to the message….intrigue…
La Casa De Gilbert
Bonnie: The most important thing we can do is destroy the spell in the moonstone
Elena: Actually, my boyfriend’s in a tomb. And I can’t have sex.
Bonnie: You broke up with him.
Elena: I’m fickle in this episode.
Bonnie: *hides the moonstone in her purse*
Jeremy: Elena, FYI, my suicide mission last episode was better than yours!
Bonnie: I’m out of here. *leaves behind purse* whistles*
Elena: *steals the moonstone* HAHA! Suicide mission! Here I come!
Bonnie: You totes stole the moonstone!
Bonnie’s Bag: I’ve been robbed!
Bonnie: Since your decision making skills are made of fail this season, I’ve decided to witch you permanently inside your house.
Elena: WHAT! *bangs on air* FML
Tomb of You Can Not Leave. Ever
Stefan: You witched her into her house?
Damon: I imagine it’s more comfortable than being witched into a tomb. Here’s a care package, candles, irons, condoms, blood.
Katherine: Klaus is totally going to kill you.
Damon: I’m practically the main star, I can’t die.
Stefan: Just keep Elena safe.
Damon: *wiggles eyebrows* Oh I will.
Jules: I’m a friend of Mason’s from Florida. He never came home.
The Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls
Aunt Jenna: What are we doing in this scene?
Alaric: Attempting to establish this week’s plot point.
Aunt Jenna: Oh right. Is it working?
Alaric: Nah, we’d better make out instead.
Tyler: Caroline, this girl Jules I’ve never seen before said Mason never went to Florida.
Caroline: We’d better go get your wolf on. *secret head nod at Alaric*
Alaric: I do have a purpose in this episode!
Elena’s House of You Can Not Leave. Ever.
Damon: Haha, you’re locked in your house and you can’t come out.
Elena: I hate you.
Damon: You looooove me. You want to kiiiiiiissss me.
Elena: I still hate you.
Alaric Calls: Damon, everyone knows Mason is
Damon: GG, Jeremy, babysit your sister.
Tyler: *unloads wolf gear*
Caroline: I’m sure Mason is still alive and that I have no knowledge at all of other vampires killing him dead 5 episodes ago. Nope. None at all.
Jules: Let me know please if you hear anything. Where’s your son?
Mrs. Lockwood: What do you want with my son?
Jules: I’m here to deliver him a pair of jorts.
Jules then drives her truck away and pulls over and calls someone and is all like, yeah, Mason is totally dead and also his nephew’s a werewolf.
The Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls
Jules: Hello good men of town. Do you know Mason?
Damon: So, Alaric – wolf? Or not a wolf?
Alaric: Here’s some wolfsbane. Let’s find out.
Werewolves Gone Wild: Transformation Chamber
Caroline: Did you even read the instruction manual on these chains?
Tyler: Yeah, how to restrain a werewolf, page five. Hand me some wolfsbane…AAAAAAAAAH! It burns us! We can’t eats it.
Caroline: I’ll put it in water.
Tyler: Is shirtless.
Caroline: Woah woah…with the nekkidness.
Tyler: Um, I’m pretty sure I don’t get to keep my pants in this.
Jacob Black: WHY aren’t you wearing jorts?
Meanwhile Bonnie makes her way over to Warlock Junior’s house whose name I still don’t care enough to use…Luka or whatever. Anyway, he’s all like WTF did you channel me against my will, Woman! I gave you the big O the other day and that was so not cool because you almost made me dead, but I’m alive, so you’re forgiven. Also all witch’s grimoires is belongs to us! Want to do a spell?
Bonnie: Let’s break this curse! *produces moonstone*
The Only Restaurant In Mystic Falls
Alaric: I’m drunkers. Want a drink.
Damon: Excuse me Miss, is this fail-drunk harassing you.
Damon: OMG! What is that really BIG thing behind you?
Alaric: *wolfies her drink*
Jules: I don’t see anything. You guys are weird.
The Tomb of Hot Sex: But Only In Your Dreams
Katherine: Not drinking blood is the suxor. You won’t like it.
Stefan: Shut up.
Katherine: I’m bored? Sex? *strips*
Stefan: You can’t tempt me!
Katherine: Oh yeah…
***UP AGAINST THE WALL***
The Wall: oomph
Lamesauce! It’s just Katherine messing with Stefan’s dreams. I guess there really won’t be Team Satherine.
Elena’s House of Not Leaving. Ever.
Elena: Aunt Jenna? Seriously, what are you doing in this episode?
Aunt Jenna: Inadvertently helping the bad guy.
Elijah: Elena, nice to meet you. Let’s have a chat…
Meanwhile back at The Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls, Damon is failing at convincing Jules to drink her Wolfied Drink….
The Dungeon of Teenage Werewolves
Tyler is all chained up and freaking out! He looks hot! And Caroline is trying to comfort him and OMG this whole scene is painful and romantic and emotional and gah!
Jacob Black: I remember how upset I was over my first transformation.
Tyler: You had an EFFING fever! *arm cracks* This is NOT the same!
Caroline: Jacob Black, go home!
Jacob Black: *Wolf-splosion*
Caroline: *Tyler-hair stroke*
Elena’s House of You Let the Bad Guy in AGAIN You Idiot!
Elijah: So I’m not going to kill you.
Elena: Duh! I’m the star of the show. I’m invincible.
Elijah: Fine, then just stop with these suicide mission storylines. Just be a normal girl, and I’ll draw out Klaus and do the killing thing. Also lots of witches have your back. Deal?
Elena: One more thing…
Elijah: Seriously? You want to negotiate with ME?
Elena: *star of the show*
Witchcraft 101: Candles on a Rooftop
Warlock Junior: Ready to do some spells?
Bonnie: Yayyyy witch-gasm!
Warlock Junior: Oh yeah.
The Moonstone: Wait…why am I floating? AAAH! I’m exploding! I’m exploding! Stop the explosions, I am Season 2’s plot device! *calls agent*
Dungeons and Werewolves
Caroline: OMG OMG OMG It will be ok!
Tyler: *arm snap* *hairy arm growth*
Awww, poor poor Tyler!
The Only Restaurant In Mystic Falls
Damon: It puts the drink in its mouth, it puts the drink in its mouth.
Jules: *picks up drink* ARE YOU SERIOUS?!? You Wolfied my drink. That’s it! Full moon! You’ve been MARKED, vampire!
The Dungeon of My Werewolf Transformation Hurts Worse Than Yours, Jacob Black
AAAH! Caroline is holding shirtless, convulsing Tyler while he FREAKS out and his bones explode and his teeth grow in and she’s trying to calm him down but then he starts breaking chains and biting and YELLOW EYES! Abort! Abort! Caroline locks Tyler in and she’s crying and SAD, but girl, do NOT get bit! Because you’ll die! Ok? Whew, Caroline is safe!
Tyler: Is a wolf
Outside The Only Restaurant
Damon: I’ve been marked? What the hell kind of crap is that?
Alaric: Dude, I don’t know. I used to be a vampire hunter, but this season I’m only good for being an idiot and misleading viewers in the promos about having a purpose in the plot.
Damon: Go home.
Damon: *hears noise* *searches for wolves*
Rose: Hey! I came back.
Damon: What do you want?
Rose: Well, it’s the mid-season finale and my Breaking Dawn audition kind of failed.
Damon: Ok fine, but I’m telling you…side characters on this show either die, or inherit stupid storylines.
Rose: I can live with that
Windows: ARE SMASHED!
Damon: I told you.
Rose: NOOOOOOO! I want the stupid storyline! Stupid storyline! Stupid storyline!
Jules-Wolf: *om nom vampire shoulder nom*
Jules-Wolf: *window jump*
Damon: Oh look, your wound didn’t make you dead.
Rose: Sweet! Stupid storyline, here I come!
House of Magic
Daddy Warlock: Did you trick the witch?
Warlock Junior: Yeah, here’s the moonstone.
The Moonstone: YAY! I’m alive!
Daddy Warlock: Ok, before you go do your math homework, Elijah needs a favor…
The Tomb Of OMFG Can I Get Out Already?
Stefan: Katherine, you suck!
Katherine: Not true. I love you.
Stefan: Prove that there’s something good about you.
Katherine: If you want to find Klaus and protect Elena, start with Isobel – she found me, she can find anyone.
Alaric: Did you say Isobel? My ex-dead-vampire wife? WOOOHOO! I may have a purpose this season after all!
Stefan: How’d you get in this cave?
Elijah: Hello, Katerina.
Elijah: Anyway, Elena decided to free you Stefan, so you can leave. But Katherine, you must stay in here FOREVER. Until Klaus kills you.
Katherine: OMG, Stefan don’t leave me!
The Morning After The Werewolf Chamber of Secrets
Caroline: Tyler? OMG you’re naked! Here’s a blanket. *post-wolf snuggles*
House of Elena
Stefan: I’m FREE!
Elena: Let’s have sex!
The Black: There’s nothing to see here, move along, move along
Rose: So I’m going to stay here with you and help Elena.
Damon: Stupid storyline ahoy!
Rose: Also we can be friends with benefits?
Damon: Ok! *removes her robe* Umm…I think you’re back to side character who dies.
Wound: I’m killing you a lot.