Elena’s in bed and there next to her is..could it be…
Elena’s Diary: That’s right BITCHES! I’m back. She still writes in me. There’s still a reason this show is called The Vampire Diaries. And you know what, ever since she dumped Stefan, we’re sleeping together.
Elena’s Diary: I meant LITERALLY!
Daddy Warlock: *creeping through Elena’s bedroom*
Edward Cullen: Ooomph! Hey man, watch where you’re going.
Daddy Warlock: Dude! I have dibs on this house, go back to Forks!
Elena: *stirs in her sleep*
Daddy Warlock: Great! Now look what you’ve done.
Elena: *Wakes up, investigates strange noise*
Kevin Williamson: I love this creepy music. SO classic and representative of my earlier work.
Audience: We know. And now someone is going to jump out at Elena in 3…2…1…
Alaric: It’s ok! It’s just me.
Elena: But your NAKED.
Alaric: Oh…yeah... Ice cream?
Aunt Jenna: Sorry, did our sexing wake you?
Elena: Ummm kinda…
Aunt Jenna: But it’s not weird or anything is it? Because, like I used to listen to you and Stefan getting it on and...
Elena: This conversation! Over! Now!
Aunt Jenna: You know, I thought you’d be happy I finally got a sexy storyline.
Elena: Only I can have those storylines, its my show.
Alaric: I don't serve any other purpose in this episode. Night.
Daddy Warlock: Thank goodness! I have things to steal. OH! A hairbrush. I’ve been needing one of those.
The Tomb of Doom
Damon: Hello, Katherine. You’re looking pale.
Stefan: We can haz moonstone now?
Katherine: Pssh. Get me out of here, use the witch, and I’ll give it to you.
Stefan: Ok! Deal.
La Casa De Elena
Damon: Ok, so we went to see she who shall not be named.
Stefan: And she was like, get me out of here and I’ll give you the moonstone.
Damon: And we said yes!
Damon: No I mean, we were totally lying. We just need Bonnie to witch us into the tomb, steal the moonstone, and witch us out and witch her in there FOREVER.
Elena: Worst. Plan. Ever.
Damon: I thought it was pretty good.
Stefan: We have to do it. We need to destroy it and destroy the curse, then no doppelganger sacrifice, and we all live happily ever after. We win!
Elena: NO! I can’t let you risk the lives of the people I love. Like the people I care about, and the people I LOVE,
Damon: OMG! SQUEEEEEEEE!
Mystic Falls High: Magic 101
Bonnie: My nose keeps bleeding and I keep passing out. WTF?
Warlock Junior: Oh I can fix that. Channel me. It’ll double your strength. Here let’s trade jewelry. Now stand still and concentrate.
The Wind: Blows
The Leaves: Swirl
Bonnie: Ooooooooooh! Aaaaaaah! EEEEEH! Ooooh!
Frankie: Um….did Bonnie just…did she have a…
Warlock Junior: Oh Yeah! And I didn’t even touch her.
Jeremy: Bonnie! Want to hang out? Why were you with that guy?
Bonnie: *stupid grin* Oh! Damon texted me. *Holds onto Warlock Junior’s necklace*
Rose: Damon… you shouldn’t leave a 500 year old vampire alone…naked…Oh…you’re not Damon. *awkward*
Elena: WHY is everyone naked in this episode? Anyway, since you like kidnapped me and stuff two episodes ago and planned to sell me to Elijah, I figured you probably don’t mind if I die. So take me to Slater and I’ll break the curse.
Rose: What’s in it for me.
Elena: You can walk in the sun! Duh.
Rose: Oh, right. Ok, let’s go.
Mystic Falls High: Basketball Court
Matt: Hey, Tyler. I’m like really sorry that I tried to kill you and stuff three episodes ago. Also, I’m sorry that that girl died. I think I'll cry now.
Tyler: Man points…you’re losing them.
Caroline: Matt! How are you…are you ok…
Matt: Gotta go!
Caroline: So Tyler, there’s a full moon coming and you need a plan on what to do before you turn into a Lockwolf.
Tyler: I have a plan. You can go now.
Caroline: Dude, I’m like the most awesome character ever this season. Trust me. You need help.
Bonnie: Ok, I’m going to witch you guys in and out of the tomb.
Jeremy: You can’t! I have a special ring. I’ll go in the tomb.
Damon: You are an idiot. She’ll kill you and then Elena will kill me for letting you die. Again.
Bonnie: Jeremy! Step down. I can do the spell. Just get me something that belonged to Katherine.
Stefan: Here, this is the only picture of Katherine that the props department could afford.
Stefan: WAIT! That picture is from the series trailer, it’s an important artifact.
The Picture: Is burning.
Bonnie: It’s cool. I’ll turn this into ash and then throw it on Katherine to weaken her. Then you have enough time to get the stone and get out.
Damon: This is not going to work.
Bonnie: My nose is bleeding.
Damon: Case in point.
La Casa De Slater:
Rose: Knock, knock. Oh well, he’s not home.
Rose: Oh fine. *knocks the door down* Slater? You home?
Slater: Is dead.
Rose: OMG! I don’t think he can help us anymore.
Elena: You’ve got to be kidding me! Why didn’t you watch the end of the episode last week. Great, whoever exploded the coffee shop probably killed him too. What a waste of our time.
Rose: Whatever, I’m going to stand by the special windows that don’t let the sun hurt vampires and sulk.
There is a noise in the closet.
Alice: WAAAAH! My boyfriend is dead. WAAAAH!
Elena: You are like the most cliché looking vampire ever. Seriously? Red lips? Black dress? Eyeliner?
Alice: I’m human, you idiot.
Elena: Ooh. I see. Do you like Twilight?
Lockwolf Woods/Plantations/Fields/Forest/Half of Mystic Falls
Tyler: I understand why you can’t be with Matt, because you have to lie to him. Oh and this is where my family keeps the dungeons for plebians.
Caroline: Yah I know.
Tyler: You do?
Tyler: Anyway, this is where Uncle Mason used to go when he was turning into a Lockwolf. Check out the scratch marks. And the chains. I totally have a video of this stuff on youtube. 5,000 hits.
Caroline: Oh look! Mason’s diary.
Mason’s Diary: Werewolf diaries SCHOOL all Vampire Diaries!
Vampire Diaries: Not uh!
Mason’s Diary: Oh yeah! Mine comes with video.
Vampire Diaries: Damn!
Jeremy: Bonnie! You’re not strong enough.
Bonnie: Shush. *Puts her finger to his lips*
Team Beremy: EEEEEHHHHHH!
Bonnie: I’ll be fine. Don’t do anything stupid.
Jeremy: *does something stupid*
House of Slater
Elena: What’s Slater’s computer password?
Alice: I’m not telling you! I’m in mourning. *tear*
Elena: Rose will make you a vampire if you help.
Alice: It’s KStew!
Rose: I am so NOT biting her! She's wearing an "I heart Edward bracelet!"
Edward Cullen: Hey! That was a gift.
Elena: Edward! Get out of here. So Alice, send a message to the dude who knew Elijah—because Elijah is totally dead—and tell him I’m here and I’m ready to say hi!
Rose: That will get you killed!
Rose: This was a SUICIDE mission?
Elena: Look, I’m the only character on the show who can’t do anything about this whole mess, and since I haven’t been invited to any of the secret witch/vampire/vampire hunter/special ring bearers meetings, and no one has kidnapped me for two episodes I had to do SOMETHING to bring all the attention back to me. Anyway, I’m sure Damon or Stefan will save me at the last moment. And then I can have a dramatic scene! And cry.
Rose: You're unreal.
Elena: No, I’m just the star of the show and I’m really, really good at it.
Alice: Email, sent. Girl, you’re going to die. Rose, make me a vampire now? ktnxbai
The Tomb of Doom
Jeremy: Sup Katherine. I’m here for the moonstone.
Katherine: Seriously? They sent YOU in? Ok, come here so I can kill you.
Jeremy: Katherine, get ready to Make. My. Day. *shoots vampire needle* *throws vampire-weakening ash*
Katherine: Is down
Jeremy’s Hotness Factor: Earned 10 points! Go little Gilbert, go!
Jeremy: Searching for the moonstone on Katherine is weird…I feel like I’m feeling up my sister. Crap! Where is it?
Frankie: OMG Jeremy! Hurry up! You only took a little bit of that witch powder. She’s going to wake up! OMG you found it! GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT! JEREMY! When you’re stealing the gold of a sleeping dragon, you do not stop and stare at the gold. You're a side character in a horror series! You grab it and run!
Katherine: *Vampirizes Jeremy*
Jeremy: *throws the moonstone out* Awww, he went on a suicide mission just like his big sister.
Outside the Tomb
Bonnie: Hey! How did the moonstone get out?
Katherine: Look at my new toy. Tastes like Gilbert.
Katherine: Open this tomb witch, because he’s wearing a special ring so I can him over and over and over again. It's fun.
Stefan: CRAP! She fed. She’s all strong again and stuff.
Damon’s Cell Phone: *rings*
Rose: Um, yeah so come to Slater’s now? Elena, suicide mission, originals and stuff.
Damon: Finally, I can get my own screen time. Rescue Mission Elena Ahoy!
Daddy Warlock: Dude, did you know Elena’s brush has all natural bristles?
Elijah: Um, do the spell now.
Daddy Warlock: *Cuts Elijah for blood sacrifice witching*
Elijah: *Sees Elena*
House of Slater
Elena: Stares out window
Elijah: Found her.
Tomb of Doom
Bonnie gets her witch on
Meanwhile, back at the Warlock’s Lair, Warlock Junior is down for the count
Daddy Warlock: What is Wrong?
Warlock Jr.: Bonnie Bennet stole my necklace.
Daddy Warlock: WTF is wrong with you?
Bonnie: Muahahahaha. Channel THIS bi-atch!
La Casa De Caroline
Tyler pops in the video of Mason.
YES! OMG! This means we get to see Shirtless Mason! Shirtless Mason we’ve missed you. Seriously someone needs to have a talk with those Salvatore brothers and tell them to take their shirts off
Mason: I’m kind of dead now.
Oh right. Carry on.
So like Caroline narrates what’s happening to Mason from his diary while Tyler watches it on the screen and I think there’s something about wolfsbane and the transformation sucking and taking hours…but…MASON IS SHIRTLESS.
Tyler: I can’t do that! I can’t!
Caroline: Sure you can, you’ve got muscles. Just take your shirt off. Here let me help you.
Tyler: Why are you being nice to me?
Caroline: Because I’m awesome. Also because I recently became a monster too and I was all alone when it happened and then I killed a man, and I think Team Cyler could be really hot.
Matt: Is at the door! Oh noes!
Caroline: Hi Matt!
Tyler: *cock blocks*
House of Slater
Damon: ELENA! What on earth are you doing?
Elena: It’s my show! Rose! WTF did you call him?
Rose: Sorry, Elena, but I had to.
Alice: OMG, are you like Damon Salvatore? I collected your vampire trading card.
Damon: We’re leaving! Now!
Damon: I will carry you home right now!
Elena: *fights Damon*
Elena: Let me go. I never make any decisions! You guys decide everything.
Damon: That was ONE episode!
Elena: I won’t let the
OMG, Elena’s eyes have totally told Damon she loves him 10 times in the last half hour. Also, he's holding her kind of sexy...
Tomb of Doom
Bonnie’s Nose: Is bleeding
Jeremy: Stop! You’re not strong enough.
Katherine: Knocks Jeremy out.
Bonnie: Passes out.
Meanwhile, Warlock Jr is having a seizure!
Stefan: Bonnie! NOOOOO!
Katherine: Seriously, wake up. I’m still in this freaking tomb.
Bonnie: I can’t. Too weak.
Katherine: Fine. *pulls up Jeremy*
Stefan: *super vampire run inside the tomb* *Jeremy toss*
Bonnie: *hugs Jeremy*
Stefan: *is trapped inside the tomb with Katherine FOREVER*
House of Slater
A bunch of vampires come in to see the doppelganger Elena, and then ZOMG! Elijah, who is NOT dead is there and kills the men and then…leaves?
Elijah: Found Elena, she’s safe. Very safe. Exactly how I need her. MUAAHAHAAHA!
Daddy Warlock: You make no sense.
Audience: We agree.
La Casa De Gilbert
Jeremy: Bonnie, you don’t have to walk me to my room. Unless you want to make out and stuff. Then it’s ok.
Bonnie: How can you be SO stupid!
Jeremy: Me? You were the one with the nose bleed!
Bonnie: I didn’t want you involved.
Jeremy: I didn’t want you to get hurt.
Bonnie: You can’t have feelings for me.
Jeremy: You have feelings for me!
Bonnie: And in case you haven’t noticed, every other guy I’ve dated on this show died. Also, all of your girlfriends died too.
Jeremy: We have so much in common.
They lean in, the music swells and then….AH! No kiss! You know, this would be perfect for the NO KISS Blogfest…
Team Beremy: WTF Bonnie!?!?
And then Damon gets Elena home
Damon: For the record, what you did today was totally stupid.
Elena: Whatever. If I hadn’t gone on a suicide mission, someone would have kidnapped me.
Damon: How do you know?
Elena: It’s in my contract. 3 kidnappings per season.
Jeremy: Um guys…Stefan…(cough) tomb (cough)
The Tomb of Doom
Elena: *Tries to run in* STEFAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN! NOOOOOOO!
Damon: *holds Elena back*
And then they struggle against each other and she’s up against the wall and they’re fighting and Stefan is listening. And holy hell! Just do it already!
Team Dalena: *FIST PUMP*
Seriously, I can’t believe they didn’t kiss.
Damon: Stefan, how did you get locked in the tomb again?
Stefan: *shrugs* It's my contract to get trapped her once per season. Just work with the moonstone and keep Elena safe. K?
Katherine: *laughs* They are soooooo going to hook up next week.