Jules: We’ve got to stop opening this show with dead-wolf bonfires.
Stevie: Hey guys! I’m Stevie! I’m here to recap a bunch of things that already happened and explain the season 2 plot point—the moonstone!
Brady: But the audience knows this stuff already.
Stevie: We got a lot of new viewers after Damon wore a towel last week.
Brady: Ok, well hurry up, because we have a lot of vampires to kill!
So this one time, a witch, a vampire and a doppleganger woke up in a bed…
Elena falls out of bed to talk to Stefan
Elena: So I totally slept over Caroline’s to help her through the trauma of being tortured and almost dead, and I didn't really do anything, just slept, but she's totes over it now! Yay! Also I just remembered I’m still the star of the show and the fact that I don’t like my biological dad is taking precedent here. I’m feeling ignored. Let’s have a sex scene!
Andie, News reporter: Hey Damon! Thanks for the sex and the whole neck biting thing. Also for the not killing me. I think I’m in love with you. Mwah! I’m off to interview Elijah!
Alaric: So I have the BEST plan ever!
Damon: Hurry up and tell me because your screen time allotment's nearly up and I'm bored.
Alaric: I’m just going to follow you around and be your butler, because that way I don’t require my own story line AND I get more screen time. WIN!
Damon: Just don’t get in my way when I try to kill Elijah.
The Only Restaurant in
Caroline: I'm pretty sure he does.
Bonnie: Yeah, but I had no plotline last episode.
Caroline: Oh Matt!
Matt: Talk to the hand!
Jules: Yeah, yeah…
Stevie: The deal is, we gotta break this curse first, because then we can turn whenever we want. But if the vampires break the curse, they can walk in the light.
Frankie: Except they ALREADY walk in the light!!!
Werewolf Logic: Does not exist.
Stevie: Look at this picture of Mason and his vampire girlfriend. We kill her doppelganger and we never have to shave again!
The Only Restaurant In
Matt: The hand! Talk to it!
, you almost let me die last week! I hate you! Tyler
Caroline’s Phone: Heeeeeeelp! I’ve been wolf-napped!
La Casa De Gilbert
Elena: Yay! So excited to head off for a romantic weekend of fade-to-black sex scenes.
Text Message from Caroline: HELP! 911! HELP! HELP! HELP!
Text Message from Elena: Leaving for my parent’s lake house to have sex scenes. Can this wait?
Elena: *Wins the Most Selfish Character In the WORLD Award*
Brady: Let’s go wolf-nap some doppelganger!
Elena: I feel the need to make this scene focus on me, me me. So I’m going to be sad that my parents are dead.
Stefan: All the cameras are on you.
complete! *runs inside* Mission
Stefan: Um….can’t come in the house….need an invitation.
Elena: If I let you in will you ravish me on the counter?
Stefan: Hell yah!
Ooooh la la, looks like Elena’s been shopping in Katherine’s shoe closet! WANT THOSE BOOTS!!!!
The Only Restaurant in
Bonnie: Hey, Luca! Frappacino?
Caroline: Check out Bonnie, Jeremy. All seducing Luca...
Jeremy: *jealous eyes*
Luca: I feel so….*faints*
Bonnie: Suck it, Luca! You’ve just been witch-rufied!
Jeremy: Man this warlock is heavy.
Lakehouse of This is HOW Horror Movies Start!
Elena: I’m the star of the show! Standing on the dock! Wrapped in a blanket. Water lapping at my feet. Soft light on my hair! Romantic hug from Stefan. All the cameras on ME! I. Love. My. Life.
Kevin Williamson: Muahahahahahaha
Elijah and Damon: Slip Into a Secret Room
The Wall: OOOOMPH!
Damon’s Neck: *bleeds*
Uncle John: Hey Alaric, what’s Damon doing with Elijah?
Uncle John: Aren’t you like his guard dog now?
Alaric: His butler!
Uncle John: Hey! Remember that one time when I knocked up your wife and she had my love child? Oh and remember that one time I slept with your girlfriend, Aunt Jenna? Also your magic-ring-of-never-dying is MINE! It fits my finger better!
Elena: Farm-boy! Make my dinner.
Stefan: As you wish.
Elena: Farm-boy! Get some more wood for my fire.
Stefan: *sexy voice* As you wish…
Elena: Farm-boy! Come see the room where my parents would have conceived me if they’d been my actual parents.
Stefan: As you wish.
Elena: Farm-boy, wear my great-granddad’s jacket. Oh you look sexy!
Neither Stefan nor Elena seem to realize how CREEPY that last notion was. Especially considering the fact that Stefan is as OLD as her great dead granddad’s jacket! So they make out in her dead parent’s closet instead and discover…The Gilbert’s Secret Lair of Vampire Weapons!
Caroline’s Sorority House Of We Rufied The Warlock
Luca: *whimpers* Heeeeeeelp!
Bonnie: *Witches flames onto candles*
Caroline: Jeremy, you oughta tap that!
Bonnie: Caroline!!! Don’t encourage him.
Caroline: Why? You don’t like the rufied-guy, do you?
Bonnie: He gives witch-gasms with his mind.
Alaric: Anything else you need master?
Damon: *bandages neck-wound* No, I’m good.
Alaric: Your wound is bandaged.
Damon: Why are you stating the obvious?
Alaric: And Elijah has really great hair.
Damon: !!!!!!!!!! *calls the screenwriters* Ok, seriously, who wrote in for Alaric to say that about Elijah’s hair? Who was it? Just because he has no storyline doesn’t mean you can make him say ANYTHING!
Alaric: *slowly backs out of room*
Wolf: SURPRISE *Alaric-STAB* *Damon-STAB*
Jules: Oh SNAP!
Lakehouse of Secret Family Secrets That Are In Fact NOT Secret
Elena: Look! It’s the entire collection of my great great Gilbert’s journals! Remember when these were a minor plot point in season 1?
Brady: So Tyler, if you eff this up, I will kill you a lot.
Draco Malfoy: I know just how you feel!
La Casa De Gilbert
Uncle John: Aunt Jenna, you let your underage niece go to a lake house unsupervised with her boyfriend? Did you forget how she was conceived?
Aunt Jenna: I hate you!
Uncle John: Remember that one time when your boyfriend's wife was my girlfriend and I knocked her up and I also had sex with you?
Alaric: Is Sleeping
Caroline's House of We Have Ways Of Making You Talk
Luca: Elijah wants to kill Klaus. So he's cool. And we want to kill Klaus, because he kidnapped my sister. He's not cool. Elijah's going to sacrifice Elena. It'll make Klaus weak and we'll kill him. That'll be cool. Except Elena will be dead. Not cool. Oh well.
Lake House of Your Life Is About To Turn Into a Horror Movie. Again
Stefan: *brings in wood*
Stefan: OW! That clipped my heart!
Tyler: *Knee-cap shoot*
Stefan: TYLER! OW! We don't want to break the curse! In case you haven't noticed we can already walk in the sun. Also, it means killing Elena. Trust me. We're not curse-breakers.
Tyler: *confused face*
SO then Elena's all like, Farm-Boy where's my wood! It's cold in here and I demand a fire! But Stefan doesn't answer and she KNOWs something is wrong, so she grabs a knife and goes outside to investigate a strange noise and it's Brady! Stab! Elena run upstairs when she should be running out the door. For goodness sakes, instead of driving to Lake Houses Elena, watch Scream, it'll save you time!
So she runs upstairs and Brady's all like I can smell you. So she takes off her sweater and this totally confuses him and she stabs him again in her parents closet and heads downstairs and does the old slamming the door trick so he thinks she's somewhere else.
Then Brady walks down the stairs SUPER slowly because killers never run! Truefax. And then Elena is heading for the door and Brady's there and she is NOT going to make it because after she babysat dying Rose I have NO FAITH in her ability to survive a horror situation. But then...
Tyler: Sorry, Elena! I didn't know they would kill you. And even though I've never really talked to you on the show at all, I'm feeling teary eyed and emotional. Which is weird, because I think I'm in love with Caroline but I was going to watch her die last week. *Calls producers* Um, can you please explain my motivation?
Then Elena and Tyler hug and Stefan looks oddly jealous...
Elijah: Is this the moonstone you dogs were looking for? Come and get it, boys!
Wolves: Race for moonstone
Damon: I want to have your babies!
Stevie: *HIDES in his jacket as if Elijah can't see him*
Elijah: *Frees Damon* This is the 3rd time I saved you. You owe me, b*tch.
Damon: *googly eyes*
Alaric: *Wakes up* What did I miss? And why does my hair look so crazy?
Bonnie (phone): Elijah is ACTUALLY a bad guy.
Damon: *sighs* I knew that 5 episodes ago. *calls Stefan* Elijah's a bad guy*
Stefan: *sighs* Was that the point of this episode? Hey Elena, did you know Elijah was a bad guy?
Elena: I plead the 5th?
Stefan: WTF?!?!!!!????!!!?!!!!!? Stop trying to commit suicide by originals!
Caroline's House of FINALLY They're Kissing
Bonnie and Jeremy: *****KISS******
I have to say, I'm a little disappointed. They're missing all their hot sexual tension from before...
A note from Tyler: Dear Mom, Became a werewolf. Promised an older woman I'd run away with her. Also saved a bunch of vampires. Not sure where I'm safe. So GG!
The Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls
Tyler: Matt, Caroline still wants you. I wanted her because she's awesome. But the writers on this show are still writing me like kind of a dick. So bye.
Matt: I wonder why he was carrying a giant duffle bag....
Tyler: *Edward Cullens beneath her window*
Edward Cullen: WHAT are you doing? What, what, WHAT are you doing?
Tyler: Let the running away scene commence!