Sunday, September 18, 2011

Dear Cassie, You Are Now The Star of a CW Show: The Secret Circle, Episode 1


So the show starts with Cassie driving at night and listening to The Naked and the Famous and automatically I like her for this reason and this reason alone! Because you know, I like to drive and listen to The Naked and the Famous...

Anyway, this other car shoots out of nowhere and after some very bad driving, she stops. And has a flat tire! While the dude, who presumably caused the flat, drives off! To her mom's house! Uh-oh.

Meanwhile, Cassie establishes that she is awesome because she can change a flat tire. I can't even change a flat tire. I'm easily impressed with this.

But back at her house, the dude with the car gets out and Witches the house into flames!

Mom: Where did this fire come from?

Dude Outside: *FIRE*

Mom: I'm in the opening credits of a new CW show, aren't I? Crap. *dies*

One Month Later...

Cassie: Well, despite the fact that I've been roughing it on the streets and living on my own for the last month since my mom mysteriously died in an exploding fire while making spaghetti, I'm going to move in with my grandma in Chance Harbor.

Grandma: Are you okay?

Cassie: Dead mom, remember?

Grandma: Oh, right. Well, come inside! I have cookies.

Grandma's House

Grandma: So this is where your mom grew up. Funny how you've never been here before or come to visit. Not like your mom was trying to keep you away from this place, or any secrets, or the reason your dad died here--WHAT. Oh! Look at the time. This is your dead mom's room--it's yours now. I'll make dinner.

Dead Mom's Room of Sexy Windows:

Cassie: Since my mom died and there's no accounting for my well-being the past month as an orphan, I'm starting to get suspicious I'm in a Kevin Williamson production. Which means, I'd better close my curtains before I get naked.

Open Curtains: Look here for hot shirtless man/boy action.

Cassie: :O *closes curtains* *strips*

Closed Curtains: *open*

Cassie: WTF!

Grandma: Night, Cassie! If you can't sleep, count the stars.

Cassie: *looks up at a bajillion glow in the dark stars on her ceiling* Someone had a lot of pent up sexual frustration on their hands...

Yes, I'm the new girl. No, my blood doesn't smell like burger.

Principal Chamberlin: You know, Cassie, back in the day your mom and I were BFFs. She was super duper extra special to me, the way the last french fry on a shared plate is and you want to eat it, but you don't want to be rude and look like a pig, but you know your other friend totally ate more than you and is going to want to go halfsies and dammit you deserve that last fry.

Cassie: ...

Principal Chamberlin: So if you need ANYTHING at all, just let me know! *wink wink* Welcome to high school!

Boy: Look! New girl!

Another boy: WOW! New girl! Let's Witch her locker.

Cassie: WTF, why won't my locker open? It's like someone Witched it shut. It's like I'm the star of the show new girl or something.

Faye: So you're the new girl. But you're like really pretty and stuff.

Cassie: Thanks?

Faye: So you agree, you think you're pretty?

Cassie: Huh? What do you guys want?

Melissa: We want to invite you to sit at our table for the rest of the week! On Wednesdays we wear pink!

Cassie: just quoted Mean Girls. I'm not Lindsay Lohan.

Melissa: Oh shoot.

Faye: Why don't you come shopping with us after school. We get a five finger discount.

Cassie: you're quoting The Craft. I'm not Robin Tunney.

Faye: Whatever! Come on Rochelle, let's go.

Melissa: I'm Melissa.

Diana: Excuse my friends, Cassie. They just finished watching The Craft 10 times in a row. Also Mean Girls. Come hang out with us after school at a restaurant.

Cassie: Ok. Which one?

The Only Restaurant in Chance Harbor:

Ethan: Cassie! I knew your mom back in the day. She was really super duper important to me. Like when you're at a sample sale and you find a pair of Ferragamos in your size but then someone else tries to grab them even though you totally saw them first and they will completely match your leopard blazer that NOTHING goes with...

Adam (aka random boy from the locker scene who looks like he's wearing a TON of eyeliner but he's actually just disgustingly gifted with thick lashes): Dad! No more drinking before sundown!

Cassie: Everyone in this town is weird!

Ethan: Also, your family and mine are written in the stars!

Adam: Stop foreshadowing our doomed love!

Melissa: Hi Cassie! Sorry we were were weird at school today. BTW, did you know Principal Chamberlin is Faye's mom.

Faye: She is!

Cassie: That's comforting...

Faye: Isn't Adam cute? He's the main heartthrob on this show and since you're the new girl, he's destined to fall in love with you.

Cassie: He's not a vampire, is he?

Melissa: Honey, that's at 8 PM EST. We're the 9 PM time slot.

Cassie: Oh, right. Well, I got to go.

Faye: Let's make her use her powers!

Melissa: I think she doesn't know she's the star of The Secret Circle yet.

Faye: *Car fire*

Cassie: AAAAAH! WTF!

Adam: *witches fire away* *pulls Cassie from car into arms*

Cassie: How did you do that?

Adam: Do what?

Cassie: Save me from that car! It's like

Adam: Adrenaline rush. You can Bing it.

Diana: Hi! Just came to cock-block and let you know that Adam is MY boyfriend. *kiss-kiss*

Adam: I'll drive you home.

Cassie: Well, thanks for not letting that car turn me into toast.

Adam: No problem. I mean, I love you. I'd take a grenade for you.

Cassie: What?

Adam: I mean, you're the star of the show. You can't die in the pilot. But you're required to have 2.5 close calls.

Cassie: Ok...gotta go. Also totally not thinking about how insane your eyelashes are. Or that your dad said were written in the stars.

Principal C's House

Diana: Faye! Why did you witch Cassie's car into flames?

Faye: I didn't! She did! Well, she helped. But now that she's here this is real! We can do REAL magic now!

Diana: No! She has clearly not had her "You're a wizard, Harry" speech from Hagrid yet. So ixnay on the owerpay talk until I decide she's emotionally stable, or we've had at least enough episodes of weird things to merit a realization-montage in her mind.

Faye: Or we could just tell her after the commercial break.

Diana: FML

Dead Mom's Room:

Glow-in-the-dark-Stars: *wheee shooting stars*

Cassie: Huh?

Your Mama was such a powerful witch, that someone killed her dead!

Charles (It's the dude who fire-sploded Cassie's Mom): Hello, Cassie. I'm so sorry about the fire that killed your mom. What a terrible horrible thing to happen to such a nice woman. No idea at all what could have caused it...Oh HI Diana! She's my kid. Well...must go. Tata!

Diana: Cassie, come with me. I have something to show you that is not at all weird or shocking or anything. Promise.

Cassie: K!

Grandma: Principal Chamberlin, how on earth did my grandkid's car catch on fire last night?

Principal Chamberlin: What? You think the kids are doing magic. They're not. No. Nope. No magic being done here. Cars catch on fire all the time. Bing it.

Welcome to Hogwarts: Chance Harbor Style

Faye: So this scene is meant to establish who the main characters are on this show, now that everyone's had a cameo.

Cassie: What are you talking about.

Diana: We're special. And so are you.

Cassie: ??????

Faye: Cassie, you're the star of a show called The Secret Circle. It's based on a book series by L.J. Smith and being produced by Kevin Williamson and it comes on Thursdays at 9PM on the CW.

Cassie: Noooo, you're totally kidding.

Faye: I'm not! The naked guy in your window is called Nick. You already met Adam--the dude you want to bone. He's dating Diana--so no boning for you until episode 8. I'm Faye, the bad one, and this other one is Melissa. Make sense?

Cassie: No. You guys are so weird. You dragged me up here to tell me we're on a show? I thought you were going to tell me I'm a witch.

Faye: Oh yeah, that too.

Diana: Also, I have a book from my family and that makes me the most powerful witch in the circle. Since you're the star of the show, expect to find your own book before the episode ends. Also don't tell anyone what you are.

Cassie: I'm leaving.

I wanna make magic with you!

Adam: Wait! Cassie, there's something you should know. My mom died too. See? We automatically relate to each other and have so much in common. Also magic was banned because a lot of bad stuff went down the last time our parents used it. Want to do some now?

Cassie: K.

Adam: Close your eyes and feel this leaf full of rain drops.

Rain Drops: Sparkle!

Adam: Let's kiss now.

Cassie: *runs*

Diana: You did MAGIC with her?

Adam: :(

Faye: Now that I have real power, I need to cause some trouble.

The Only Restaurant in Chance Harbor:

Cassie: Ethan, why did my mom leave?

Ethan: Basically, me and her were boning because the glow in the dark stars on her bedroom told us to. But then your dad came around and he sucked and tore us apart so she left. Do not disobey those stars--or yoou end up like a drunk like me in the only restaurant in town, or like your mom and dead! Did you get with my son yet?

Cassie: Wait! So....if you and my mom were meant to should've been my dad and now you're saying I was meant for your son who if you listened to the stars is supposed to be my brother?

Ethan: Huh?

Cassie: I need to go. Again.

Charles: Ethan, you are saying too much. Can't have that. Wouldn't want you to get so drunk you almost drown.

Ethan: *on-land drowns*

Charles: Exactly!

Ethan: *coughs*

But Why did that Wizard want to kill me?

Cassie: I still don't understand. If my mom wanted me to be a witch she would have told me. I don't know why she didn't tell me and you guys did.

Diana: Well what else are we supposed to do in the pilot episode?

Witch-Girl Strut:

Faye: Being a witch is SO awesome! I can be SO bad. *witches off boat lights* I'm bad ass!

Nancy from the Craft: Seriously?  You have power and you're using it to turn off lights? Why not fly and kill people and crap?

Faye: Fine! I'll make RAIN!

Nancy: Oooh scary.

Rain: *thunders*

Nancy: Now we're talking!

Diana: Noooo! Faye, stop! My hair is going to frizz.

Faye: *rolls eyes* Stop, rain.

Rain: No!

Faye: I said stop!

Rain: *lightning*

Cassie: STOP!

Rain: Ok....

Diana: See! You are the star of the show and the bestest witch ever.

Cassie: Maybe, but there's still 10 minutes left of the episode, so I'm going to disagree, lest we loose tension.

Grandma's House:

Grandma: Adam's here to visit you. And you two stay downstairs, away from your bedroom where there are glow-in-the-dark stars!

Adam: So, um sorry about trying to kiss you.

Cassie: It's only our first episode. I'm not that kind of girl.

Adam: I mean...because I have a girlfriend. Diana. And I love her? So we can never almost kiss again.

Cassie: It says in our contract that we will kiss in episode 3.

Adam: ...

Principal Chamberlin's House:

Charles: Sup, Principal Chamberlin. Just came from fake-drowning Ethan.

Principal Chamberlin: Good. And nice work bringing Cassie here with the whole mom-sploding thing. Now the circle will take care of everything.

Ominous Music: Is VERY ominous.

A Note From Our Sponsors

Cassie: This was such a weird day. I'm going to sleep.

Glow-in-the-dark-Stars: Wheeeeee!

Cassie: Oh look! My family book hidden behind a loose brick. Sweet. Now I'm the most powerful witch in the circle.

A Letter from your Dead Mother:

Dear Cassie, If you're reading this letter, it means you are the star of your own CW show, produced by Kevin Williamson, adapted from a book series by L.J. Smith. Be forewarned, that though you'll wear endless amounts of awesome shoes, you'll be in constant danger because you are the most powerful witch ever. Even more powerful than Sarah in The Craft. Also, try not to appear in the final moments of an episode after the Pilot episode--it usually means something bad is going to happen. And don't get too attached to Diana. It looks like you and her boyfriend are going to bone.


P.S. This also means I'm dead.

Cassie: Oh crap!


Soooooo what did you guys think of the first episode? Will you keep watching? As good as Vampire Diaries? Let me know :-)


  1. I've yet to be able to get into TVD. Every time I try, I'm overtaken by a fit of giggles and turn the channel. I guess I like my supernatural a little more, er, Supernatural? :) I did watch this though, mostly because the damn music (I don't know who/what) was catchy. Honestly, I thought it was pretty decent. I liked the fire/matches in the beginning--pretty sweet, that.

    I'll give it a few more episodes, I'm sure. But if it has signs of too much angst, I'm outtie.

  2. hahah that was hilarious. i actually LOVED secret circle! i'm excited for ths rest of the season.

    stop by my blog! i have some original stock photos i found that were made into book covers!

  3. Okay, so I can't lie. I'm totally going to watch this. Also because now I will religiously be watching for your summaries! That is excatly the tone with which I watch this show. Love it like candy and love to make fun of it too.

  4. HAHAHAH I LOVE THIS. LOVE. And I so thought Adam was wearing eyeliner until I looked closer as well! LOL.

    I really like this show though, I can't wait for the next one! :)

  5. I LOVE your recap. I'm trying to write one myself and just STRUGGLING. I had the same initial thoughts of the relationship with grandma; wouldn't she have been at the funeral? What happened during all the time btwn her mom dying and grandma's house? Who sold their house?

    Moving on... it's not fair to compare to Vampire Diaries, but pretty much unavoidable. This show doesn't have the same spark, but I'll give it a chance. It feels a little more forced with the premise.

    Also, I cracked up that a character from The Craft made it into your synopsis.

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