Friday, September 23, 2011

Vampire Diaries Season 3, Episode 2: The Hybrid

Opening Credits: Salvatore Mansion

TV Anchor: On last week’s episode, our resident news reporter Andy Star mysteriously died by falling off a catwalk we keep in the newsroom for really no main purpose other than for people to kill themselves by falling off. Which is what we believe happened to Andy, despite the fact that she wasn’t depressed, had a super hot boyfriend, and left no note. Ah well. You know what this means for me. I HAVE HER OFFICE NOW! Wooo spinning chairs!

Elena: Damon! Why haven’t you answered any of my calls? And why didn’t you tell me your girlfriend died/killed herself/was murdered by my recently turned evil boyfriend?

Damon: Because I would have had to sing:

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Stefan killed my fake-girlfriend,
And he might kill you too!

Elena: He wouldn’t do that. He called me last night.

Damon: Did not!

Elena: Did too!

Damon: Stefan’s gone! How do you even know it was him?

Elena: The camera kept switching to his point of view and there was really sad music playing.

Damon: …

Elena: Also, Officer Forbes traced the call to Tennessee

Alaric's Apartment:

Alaric (rumpled and naked in bed): *hears knocks* Go away, Damon!

Elena: It's me! Why would Damon be here?

Alaric: *hides naked Damon pictures*

Elena: Anyway, tell me what you know about Stefan and Tennessee.

Alaric: Um, why are you asking me? 

Elena: Dude! Do you want a story line or not?

Alaric: Fine! We're going mountain climbing! Klaus is making hybrids!

Hybrid Mountains, Tennessee

Klaus: Are you tired, Stefan? Need some water? You've been carrying that Simon Camden backpack ALL morning.

Stefan: Shhhh! Simon Camden's sleeping.

Klaus: Oh look! A wolf pack.

Wolf girl: Who the hell are you and why did you turn Simon Camden into a backpack?

Klaus: My name is Klaus! I'll be your bad guy this season.

Wolf girl: He's a hybrid!

Klaus: Oh, you watched season 2! Fantastic!

Lockwood Mansion:

Mrs. Lockwood: Morning, Tyler! Coffee? I added anti-damon to test if you're a vampire this new cream I got at the store.

Tyler: *takes a sip* Pffft! Mom this cream tastes like crap.

Mrs. Lockwood: Also, don't bring home prostitutes who pull the walk of shame at 3AM.

Tyler: MOM! Stop calling my bff with benefits a prostitute. We only exchange sex for her helping me not kill people once a month on the full moon.
Mrs. Lockwood: ...

Tyler: Bye!

Mrs. Lockwood: *makes phone call* Bill, we have a vampire problem.

The Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls: Employees Only

Jeremy: I saw Vickie again, Matt. Look, here are ghost summoning instructions I binged last night to help us contact her. It says here it works best with a family member, and you were her brother.

Matt: Dude, why don't you ask Bonnie to help you?

Jeremy: Because I can't tell my witch girlfriend that my dead vampire turned ghost girlfriend is talking to me again.

Bonnie: Oh HELL NO! What is going on? Someone write me into this episode quick so I can smack some sense into my boyfriend.

The Writers: ... And then Bonnie stayed for another week at her family reunion in a town far off the set....

Bonnie: FML!

Jeremy: Please Matt! She said "help me" and you're her brother! You can do it.

The Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls: Dining Room

Tyler: Ok Elena, so here's where werewolves hang out, and here's a map that will lead you to wolves.

Elena: Wow, you're not a douche-bag this season at all.

Tyler:  It's because I got laid last night. Also, have you seen Caroline?

The Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls: The Bar

Elena: Alaric, we're going to hunt the wolves tonight at the full moon. Good idea?

Alaric: I think I take back what I said last episode about you being responsible.

Hybrid Mountains, Tennessee:

Simon Camden: What's happening to me? Why do I feel so strange?

Stefan: You're transitioning into a vampire. Or...vampwolf. A werepire... anyway you need blood or you'll die. Any humans want to offer Simon Camden some blood to drink?

Reverend Camden: If you're not referring to blessed wine I am going to be SO pissed.

Wolf girl: We'll die before we become hybrids like you.

Klaus: Ok...*bites wrist* Drink up, love! No worries, you're an extra, you'll probably be dead by the end of this episode anyway. Now...who's next?

The Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls

Tyler: Matt, have you seen Caroline? 

Matt: NO! Like I'd tell you if I did!

Tyler: Dude, I'm sorry, I didn't mean for things to be awkward between us this season, even though you were my best friend forever and I stole your girlfriend last season right after your sister died and your mom left. 

Matt: Does she normally help you tonight? Full moon?

Tyler: Yeah

Matt: Is this the kind of thing you need another person for?

Tyler: Yeah, kind of...basically you sit there and watch me get naked and grow fur and...

Matt: ...

Tyler: EW! This coffee sucks. Did you use the same kind of cream my mom did?

Matt: Probably--it's Anti-Damon... so no vampires buy coffee here anymore. They all go to Starbucks.

Lockwood Mansion:

Mrs. Lockwood: Oh Bill, thank goodness you're here! It's Caroline and she's so sweet and pretty and awesome and I think my son's in love with her, and I don't know what to do.

Bill: She's a vampire. She dies!

Hybrid Mountains, Tennessee

Elena: Alaric, were you a boy-scout? A boy-scout vampire slayer?

Alaric: That was season 1. Now I'm a boy-scout whisky maker.

Elena: Here, take the ring of I Will Live Forever Beyotches. It was yours last season.

Alaric: NO! You keep it.

Elena: I'm the dopplewhatsit and for unknown reasons that were probably explained in the behind the scenes look of season 2 on the exclusive Target DVD, the ring won't work on me. Also, I need to randomly strip now. And AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! *is tossed into lake* 

Damon: Hi!

Oh yeah! You and what army? 

Klaus: Look at all my transitioning hybrid soldiers.

Stefan: This was your big plan? To reenact a scene from Night of the Living Dead?

Klaus: No, to build an army of comrades to fight for me. And win the war.

Stefan: What war?

Klaus: I don't know. Any war really. I always wanted my own army!

Simon Camden: My eyes are bleeding.

The Lake of Sexual Tension:

Damon: Out of the water, Elena!

Elena: First you throw me in, now you want me out?

Damon: We need to go home. Klaus thinks he killed you and letting him know that he didn't kill you is a really bad life decision. *stomps into the water* 

Damon's Shirt: *stays on* :(

Elena: Pleeeeeassse can we stay and find Stefan? We can leave before the full moon. *heaves wet bosoms*

Damon: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alaric: I'm too old to be watching this sh*t. And yet, I'm slightly turned on. No stop! Dead girlfriend's niece. She's my dead girlfriend's niece.

Damon: Ok fine! But we leave before the moon or you'll be kissing me while I die of wolf-rabies again.

Hybrid Training Camp:

Simon Camden: Klaus...*eyes bleed* you said I was supposed to feel better. When does that happen? *wolf jump* *hops away*

Klaus: Bring him back, Stefan, old chap. Would you?

Stefan: Here doggie doggie. Here Simon Camden. OW! You bit me! Crap. *perks ears up* OMG Elena, Alaric and Damon are here....must distract...oh HI KLAUS. Nothing to see here. Oh and I got bit. So you might want to heal me...or you know, lose your army general.

Klaus: Later. Bring me Simon Camden. And if he's gone, I want the one who played his brother next.

Stefan: I don't think he's on this show...

Lockwood Mansion:

Tyler: MOM! Why did you try to vampire-rufie me?

Mrs. Lockwood: Because Caroline's a vampire and I thought you were one too.

Tyler: Mom, come with me. I'm not a vampire. I'm something else...

Hybrid's Don't Make Good Pets When Transitioning on a Tennessee Mountain:

Simon Camden: Raaawwwwrrrr

Damon: RAWR!


Alaric: *shoots*

Elena: *tosses explodey thing*

Simon Camden: *rolls over*

Frankie: Awwww, he's really having the worst day ever.

Prop's Department: Vickie's Stuff

Jeremy: I got Helga from props to let me go through all of Vickie's things from season 1 and a couple of items she bought so we could pretend Vickie had a life beyond those 6 episodes we saw.

Matt: This is TOO sad. Jeremy, leave me alone. *puts down a picture of Vickie*

Lights: *dim*

Vickie's Picture: *stands up*

Matt: You have GOT to be kidding me.

Up in the Mountains:

Simon Camden: *is all tied up* Rawr! Rawwr! RAAAWWWWWRRRRR!

Damon: He can't turn into a wolf now. There's no full moon.

Alaric: Elena, you have the worst ideas ever.

Damon: Let's go.


That weird moment when it was daylight before the commercial break but now its nighttime even though only a minute has passed....

Elena: WHAT! Who turned off all the lights on the set. I'm bad at running in the dark. *ooomph* *falls*

Damon: Stay very still.

Elena: Why? OH! Hi puppy. Damon, run!

Alaric: Hurry, we have to help Damon.

Elena: I know! If he gets bit again, I'll have to kiss him when he's all gross and sweaty.

Tyler's Chamber of Um, Mom....this might get awkward:

Tyler: Go into this dungeon, you'll be staying here tonight. Sorry, no bathroom. And hope you didn't have plans for tomorrow.

Mrs. Lockwood: WHAT are you talking about Tyler?

Tyler: You think Caroline's a monster, but look at me. *WOLFS*

Mrs. Lockwood: AAAH! Tyler! Put your pants back on!

Hybrid Woods, Tennessee:

Damon: Noooooooo! Simon Camden! *fight*

Stefan: *heart-snatch*

Simon Camden: *is dead*

Stefan: Remember last episode when I killed your girlfriend and I was like, don't follow me? Did you forget?

Damon: No, but Elena tricked me with wet heaving bosoms...I was her idea! Stop calling her if you want her to forget you.

Stefan: I didn't call her.

Damon: Dude, we all saw the last episode.

Stefan: Take her home and try and keep her there this time... Or can't you?

Damon: I can!

Stefan: If all else fails...kiss her behind the knee. Works every time.

Boy Scout Truck of Keep the Human Safe:

Elena: Alaric, stop holding me captive in this truck! We have to save Damon and Stefan.

Alaric: No. If I let you out, I lose my story line again. I already shot the one arrow I had. It took me months to wittle that.

Elena: Don't worry! Lots of useless characters on this show got cool story lines. Look at Jeremy, his dead vampire girlfriends are haunting him, plus you have the eternity ring. You'll be all right.

Damon: Let's get out of here.

Elena: *jumps out of the car* DAMON!

Damon: Get in the car now!

Elena: But I'm trying to cock-tease Team Dalena.

Damon: Fine! Do it in the car.

Stefan: *watches from a distance*

Gilbert House:

Matt: So um, it turns out that Helga did not give permission for us to go through the props department and she was chasing me and I just stole all of Vickie's stuff and came here.

Jeremy: Cool!

Vickie: HI!

Jeremy: Vickie! What do you want us to help you with?

Vickie: I want to come back on the show.


Jeremy: Ummmmm

Dead Hybrid Mountains, Tennessee:

Klaus: So they all either died, ate each other or got eaten by me. This was not the plan I had. WTF! I was told last season I could make hybrids! I did everything in the ritual. I killed a vampire, a werewolf, and the dopplewhatsit!

Stefan: *wide eyes*

Klaus: I did kill the dopplewhatsit! DIDN'T I?

Stefan: Oh yeah, she's totally dead. Dead, dead, dead!

Klaus: All right, man, here's your wolf-rabies cure.

Elena's Room of Sexual Tension:

Damon: So maybe I was wrong and Stefan can be saved.

Elena: Yay! What made you change your mind?

Damon: Audiences are already bored with evil Stefan.  But what about you? Why did you stop looking for him tonight?

Elena: I didn't want you to get hurt.

Damon: Because you like me? Or like like me?

Elena: ....

Damon: Just remember when I bring him back that for three whole episodes you OBVIOUSLY had a crush on me. And I won't kiss you right now because I still have this ridiculous mullet hair cut and I smell like wet dog, but Team Dalena WILL have it's day!

Elena: Ok.

Alaric: Maybe I should go back to my place...

Tyler's Dungeon:

Tyler: Hi mom! I'm a boy again.

Mrs. Lockwood: ...


Mrs. Lockwood: Bill! Just kidding about the whole Caroline thing.

Bill: I don't think so. I see a vampire, I kill it. Have a nice day.

Caroline: *wakes up* Hello! HELP! Where am I? The last five minutes of the show? CRAP! These episodes NEVER end well for me. Daddy?

Bill: Hello, Caroline!



  1. I'm so glad I wasn't the only one thinking of the supreme awkwardness when Tyler woke up.....

    So funny, as usual :)

  2. @Rebecca-HA that was all I could think. Naked in front of mom, naked in front of YOUR MOM!

    @Library Ga--Thank You! <3

    @Kelsey--Aww, so glad to hear that!

    @Ivana--Why thank you! :-)

  3. Your recaps are totally hilarious! This is what I read to get me out of a bad mood :)


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