Friday, August 17, 2012

Friday Rewind: The Disney Princess Hunger Games!

In honor of tomorrow's DVD release of The Hunger Games, here's a re-post of what I consider the most hilarious post ever written on this blog, courtesy of Sara, who's currently on blog maternity leave.


Thinking about how long I would survive a dystopia got me wondering: How long would some of our favorite non-dystopia characters survive??

Without further ado, I give you...

The Disney Hunger Games!!

We all know our favorite Disney characters have some spunk. Ariel straight up betrays her father and makes a deal with a sea witch, Belle shoves Gaston in with the pigs, and Mulan pretends to be a boy and joins the army!

But what would happen if we took them all and threw them into a dangerously animated arena?

Roll Call: Disney Princesses!

Why she'll survive: She's a mermaid, so she can hold her breath underwater for an infinitely long time. All she has to do is swim to the bottom and wait everyone else out.
Why she'll die: Her hoarder tendencies will make her backpack too heavy to carry.


Why she'll survive: She's smart AND skilled, and unnatural talking creatures don't freak her out. Plus, she's so nice and genuine, it would be like killing a puppy.
Why she'll die: Her love for beast-like creatures will lead her too close to an actual beast.


Why she'll survive: She's already befriended a tiger and proved that she can jump roof-to-roof just as well as Aladdin. She refuses to stand down when someone threatens her, and can handle herself on flying furniture.
Why she'll die: Girlfriend got herself trapped in an hour glass. Also, she has Lois Lane vision--make one little change to yourself and she won't recognize you. So just disguise yourself as a walking bush and she'll believe you're a lovely bit of magic.


Why she'll survive: She's one of the only Disney princesses that has actual battle skills, and unlike most other Disney princesses, where it's ultimately up to the man of the story to kill the bad guy, she's ready to go out and do this thing herself.
Why she'll die: Her mad skills will make the other princesses nervous and they'll gang up on her.


Why she'll survive: Her fairy Godmother will be sending her silver parachutes day in and day out.
Why she'll die: She'll use the silver parachutes to make a ball gown for herself.


Why she'll survive: She's one with nature, dresses in natural camoflauge, and can paint with all the colors of the wind.
Why she'll die: When it comes time to kill for food, she'll refuse to say an animal's life is less than hers and will end up weak.


Why she'll survive: She's really good at hiding. Plus, like Cinderella, she's got a fairy godmother. Three of them, in fact.
Why she'll die: The fairy godmothers will tell her not to do ONE THING. And then she'll do it.

Snow White

Why she'll survive: She's got seven little men who will give their lives for hers.
Why she'll die: She'll gladly accept strange gifts from strange people.


Why she'll survive: She's learned to live--and survive--in a man's world, and has a work ethic like nobody's business.
Why she'll die: Get turned into a toad and eaten for lunch.

Now that we've met all our tributes...let the games begin!

This is how I imagine things playing out:

In the race for the Cornucopia, I predict that Mulan, Pocahontas, and Tiana will come away with the best loot. Ariel, Belle, and Jasmine will get some useful items, but not as many. Aurora, Snow White and Cinderella won't even make it to the Cornucopia, instead heading directly for the comfort of the forest so they can sing to the animals there.

I think Aurora, Snow White and Cinderella will form an alliance, while the rest are too plucky and will go solo.

There will definitely be a multitude of singing.

And this is the order that I think they'll go in:

Both Snow White and Aurora will take themselves out, Snow White by eating posionous fruit (obvi) and Aurora by doing whatever the ONE THING her fairy godmothers told her not to do.

Cinderella's next--silver parachute ball gown is poor camo.

From here, it's a toss up. I think Jasmine might go next (magic carpet runs out of magic), and then Ariel (her hoarding slows her down.)

And as much as it pains me to say it (since Belle is my favorite), I think Belle goes down next.

That makes my final three Mulan, Pocahontas, and Tiana.

I know who I think would win.

But what about all of you? Who do YOU think would win the Disney Hunger Games? One of my final three? Or did I discount someone? Is Cinderella secretly a ringer? Can Sleeping Beauty's killer voice do exactly that? Let me know!


  1. Definitely Mulan. Have you seen her fighting skills and she not too shabby in the disguise department too. Add in all the training she did while in disguise make her a formidable opponent.

  2. Mulan's got this. Pocahontas may know all the secrets of the forest, but she's always trying to stop people from fighting. Plus, Mulan took out a Disney villain by blowing him up. Girl doesn't mess around.

  3. I think it's pretty damn obvious that Mulan would kick ass. Now, how would the girl from Tangled do? I love that girl!

  4. Donna, this is HILARIOUS.

    I love that Ariel's going to die from hoarding. Either that or leaving the water because she sees a hottie up above. The grass is always greener in somebody else's lake and/or where the hot mens are.

    Belle's too nice. gorgeous.

    "Why she'll die: She'll use the silver parachutes to make a ball gown for herself." LOL.

    Pocahontas ate meat, right? Or not? Did they cover that?

    I definitely think it would go down to Mulan or Pocahontas, but, to be fair, I'm not familiar with Tiana so it's hard to say.

    Mulan can fight with or without weapons, and she can obviously handle stress. I think she's got this in the bag. Everything else is in Ariel's bag.

  5. Hahahahhaha, Mulan ALL THE WAY. She's my freaking idol, and she's badass like heck. ;) Pocahontas will probably be the last one to die. As for the others... ha! Your descriptions are HILARIOUS. Like Taschima said, I would love to know how Rapunzel would do. She'll probably strangle somebody with her hair or something. Actually, I think she and Mulan can really duke it out. So I guess it's Mulan and Rapunzel... hmm...

  6. Mulan would win this. She's the only one there that can actually fight. She has almost no competition. Pocahontas might put up a good fight though.

  7. LOL!

    It's between Mulan and Pocahontas, but I can't say for sure who'll win. Does Mulan have Mushu with her??

  8. i would say pocahontas, but i dont think she could kill mulan, so im going to go with MULAN as my winner!

  9. Mulan definatly. Even if Rapunzle was in it all Mulan would have to do is chop of her hairi and poof. End of Story. As for the rest, Cinderella, Aurora, and Snow White are strait up idiots. Ariel isn't going to get anywhere CLOSE to the water on her tail (and is she has legs she's in for a whole different kind of hurt). Belle, Jasmine, and Pocahontas don't have the guts to kill someone. Tiana would try and build a restaurant in the middle of the woods.


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