Thursday, November 19, 2009

Vampire Diaries: Episode 10: The Turning Point

Opening Credits:
Uh oh...Aunt Jenna, you're in the opening credits! This does not bode well for you except that you're a recurring character, however infrequently your lousy-ass parenting skills decide to show. Crap, Aunt Jenna you're ex-newscaster boyfriend is a vampire and wants to come inside... 

Aunt Jenna: Go away jerkwad, I'm not letting you in my house, so stop asking!

Logan: But I'm hungry Fine!

A minute later...

Logan: I'm thinking... take-out. Now what's on the menu? Dirty old man? Nah, too salty. Squirrel? Mmm, too Anne Ricey. I want some spice!

Running Hot Girl: Hi!

Logan: Mmmm just what I'm craving.

Running Hot Girl: OMG where have you been? Why aren't you on TV anymore?

Logan: Oh no reason except I'm a VAMPIRE!

And Logan vampirizes the hot girl...

At Elena's In The Morning:

Aunt Jenna: Hey, what's Jeremy doing?

Elena: Reading our great-great-great-great-great Gilbert's diary.

Aunt Jenna: Which one?

Elena: Creepy Demon Picture Edition

Aunt Jenna: Don't you keep a diary?

Elena: Yeah...but this week Kevin decided to have Jeremy keep an art diary.

Aunt Jenna: Lame

At Salvatore Mansion:

Stefan: So now that we're leaving town where will you go?

Damon: London, see my friends

Stefan: You don't have any friends.

Damon: Except you, Steffy.

Stefan: I am NOT your friend. I'm your brother. Duh.

Damon: But we're a team, you can be my sidekick. We can be like those brothers on that'll be great.

Stefan: How do you know that show?


Knock, knock, someone's at the door and it's Kyle Xy Caroline's Police Chief Mom here with news that there is another vampire on the loose!

Damon: Oh gee, Liz, golly, I wasn't expecting to see you.

Kyle Xy's Caroline's Police Chief Mom: You're like the only vampire slayer I've ever met, can you do it again?

Stefan uses his super vampire hearing to eavesdrop and he is NOT happy.

Damon: Hurry up and call the Amazing Race, tell them we can't make it. There's another vampire in town.

At Mystic Falls High School:
Caroline: Wow Matt! Look at this! We're totally in a scene ourselves! I should have started dating you three episodes ago. I can't believe it.

Matt: Yeah well I didn't like you then, plus all of my screen time spent pining for Elena and worrying about Vickie.

Caroline: Now she had a lot of screen time, thank God she died.

Matt: What?

Caroline: Gotta go!

Elena and Bonnie enter the scene.

Bonnie: So um, I read the script in advance this week and I gotta bounce, this is my only scene.

Elena: But why?

Bonnie: Ummm something about overexposure last episode with the whole Emily thing...

Big Painted Banner: Falls on Elena and Bonnie's heads

Elena: OMG! Was that you Phantom of the Opera?

Bonnie: No! And I prefer Carrie. Bye!

Elena walks outside and....pining Stefan is waiting for her, giving her the eyes....

Basketball Court:

Matt: Hey, when did we start playing basketball? Weren't we on the football team in episode 3?

Tyler Douche Bag: Nah apparently only vampires can play football now. Updated contracts... So what's up? Tapping Caroline? Becoming a "we?"

Matt: WE are not a we!


Matt: Crap. I fell for a secondary character.

And then Stefan tells Elena for the hundredth time that she must be careful, please be careful because I need to leave, I'm not good for you and there is another vampire on the loose and I have to go for your own good because it's just the way it has to be and please understand, and oh yeah be careful?

Elena: Dude! You've already told me this like twenty times and stop pretending you're leaving. You're not.

Stefan: How can you be so sure?

Elena: There'd be no show.

Stefan: Oh, right.

Outside the School:

Caroline: Here Damon, take your lame old stupid vampire mojo compass.

Damon: Thanks, now scram!

Caroline: (perkily) K! I have other more important scenes to infiltrate. Love ya, bye!

Damon sneaks inside a shed? The boiler room? The abandoned gym that no one uses because it smells like stinky cheese? And AUGH! Logan! With a gun!

Logan: Hehe, wooden bullets are fun! 

Damon: OOOOW! My leg! That's my dancing leg!

Logan: You turned me

Damon: Nuh uh!

Logan: All I know was that I was gonna stake your brother and then you grabbed me and the next thing I remember I woke up dead at Barry's Used Car Dealership and I do NOT drive used cars. I own a Mercedes.

Damon: Well you needed vampire blood to turn you and trust me dude I didn't give it to you.

Logan: Well someone buried me, and they didn't use a luxury coffin and then I couldn't get into my house!

Damon: You need to be invited in.

Logan: I live alone!

Damon: Oh man, that sux!

Logan: Yeah! You try staying in a crappy hotel all day with nothing to watch but HBO.

Damon: HBO?

Logan: Ok fine, Skinemax, and then I ate the housekeeping staff and no one is changing my sheets! Plus all I can think about is blood and biting my ex-girlfriend.

Damon: You. Have. Issues.



Ok all I have to say is if the eyebrows go unresponsive again I'm going flip my lid!

Mystic Falls Career Fair:
Everybody is here tonight at the Mystic Fall's High School Career Fair because the only restaurant in Mystic Falls is closed for renovations until the next episode further notice. Caroline's mom is here! Jeremy and Tyler-Douche are here and having a moment? Over art?

Matt and Elena: Having a moment.

Stefan: Appears.

Matt: DAMNIT! (leaves)

Elena: So, Stefan, what did you want to be when you never grew up?

Stefan: A doctor, but the blood..

Elena: You know, there's this guy Carlisle--I read about him once--he's a doctor, maybe you could intern...


Elena: Oh wait, wrong series.

Then Aunt Jenna shows up and announces Logan is around.

Stefan: Logan? Logan! But he's...

Stefan burst into the hallway to see Logan...

Logan: Beauty pageant wave...

Then Stefan convinces Elena to take Aunt Jenna away through a super vampiric head nod.

Logan: I want to be a daywalker!

Stefan: No! Only me and Damon are in that club.

Elena: What did Logan say to you last night?

Aunt Jenna: I don't know...he was all like invite me in and stuff. And I was like no way, I am SO over you.

Elena: He wanted you to invite him in?

Aunt Jenna: Well, yeah I looked hot.

Elena: CRAP!

Alaric, AlAric, ALaric, AlarIc: Hai!

Cell Phone Convo Between Stefan and Damon:

Damon: I was ambushed! And shot! I got blood on my shirt! Now I'm vengeful. Grrr!

Stefan: Well Logan is at the school now.

Damon (eyebrows wiggle): I am SO coming over.

Back at the Career Fair:

Caroline: Mom, guess what! I'm going to be a journalist. I hear they like know all the news first and stuff, also, they get lots of screentime!

Kyle Caroline's Mom: Yes honey, except when they use you for a voice over when they switch to live footage.

Caroline: FML.

Then Logan shows up and is all oh hi Liz and she freaks out and pulls her gun and Logan's like no way, you can't shoot me in here. By the way, thanks for the burial! Next time you leave me for dead, get me a freaking coffin!

In the Hallways of Mystic Falls:

Ok is it just me or are you guys picking up on some homoerotic tendencies between Jeremy and Tyler? They're fighting over art, and Vickie, and how many guys they can friend Vickie slept with. Then Tyler's Douchebag Mayor Dad makes them take it outside and Alaric is watching you!

Outside the Career Fair:

Caroline: Crap I need a ride home. Bonnie promised to drive me, but she used up all her screen time this week with Elena. Ugh!

Logan: Beep, beep, wanna ride?

Caroline: Like OMG, it's Logan the newscaster, How convenient. I want to be on the news too. Is it really true they switch to live footage and you get stuck doing voice overs?

Logan: Well hop in the car and I'll tell you all about it, but first, put your seatbelt on baby.

Caroline: Ok, sure, and don't worry, it's totally not creepy that you were my male babysitter.

Logan: Buckled up? Good!

Logan: Caroline HEADSMASH

Meanwhile the Mayor wants Jeremy and Tyler to fight it out, like men, not pansies! Fight damnit! Show me your muscles!

Alaric: Stop this you full grown male alpha-douche bag!

Tyler Douche and Senior Mayor Douche walk away leaving Alaric and Jeremy alone.

Jeremy: You. Are. My. Hero.

A few minutes later, another angsty emo-filled bromantic moment between Tyler and Jeremy and then Tyler walks under the full moon. Ok, either he's in the closet, or being a werewolf is going to be a metaphor for being gay, or...all of the above.

Back Inside...

Stefan discovers that Caroline has gone home with Logan after Matt (who totally loses points for this) just watched her leave and did nothing. Dude! What happened! Then Logan is on the road on the phone with Caroline's mom having a super creepy ex-babysitter stalker convo about vampirizing her until Stefan rips his door off!

Damon (bats eyelashes): Pay back's a bitch.

Logan: How can you side with the humans?

Damon: Side? Side! I'm Damon Salvatore, bitch! I don't take sides. You ripped my favorite shirt! Now you die.

Logan: No, no wait, don't kill me! You're not the only one trying to release your undead girlfriend from her mystical tomb beneath the church.

Police are on the scene and Stefan whisks Caroline away home.

Damon: Screw it, I'll kill you later. Again.

Logan: Damon CARSMASH

Damon: I'm sorry, sheriff. I just wasn't strong enough. *whimper*

Back at the School:

Elena tries to mack on Stefan's arm.

Stefan: Stop! Bad touch!

Elena: Can I give you a ride home?

Stefan: Ummm, I'm like a vampire. I can totally walk, or run really fast, or fly...ok well no I can't do that, but you get the idea...

Elena: OMG, do I have to spell it out for out for you! We're about to go on hiatus, Stefan! We need to up the ante.

Stefan: And a car ride will do that?

Elena: Let's go.

Elena and Stefan in the Car

Elena: So you asked me what I wanted my future to be, well I wanted to be a writer. I used to write these diaries, they named a show after it actually, but ever since episode 5 when my mom died, I stopped writing.
I had a really bad life, Stefan. Seriously, you won't make it worse.

Stefan (making the saddest face in the world): I'm doing this for you. I have to go.

Elena: Oh no! You dont get to make that decision for me. If you walk away it's for you not me. Don't go all Edward Cullen on me now! I LOVE YOU!

Stefan's jaw tenses. Stefan's eyebrows brood. Stefan's throat swallows. Stefan's eyes blink. And BAM! Houston, we have kissage! Soft female songstress singing...yep. Time for the sexing!

Elena and Stefan kiss their way into Salvatore mansion where Stefan can't control his...emotions and goes all vamp face on Elena. He turns around and tries to think unsexy thoughts, but Elena won't have it.

Elena: Show yourself to me, Stefan. Show me all of you.

Stefan: But the vamp face makes my pores look large.

Elena: Just do it.

And Stefan turns and...ok maybe it's just me, but he really doesn't look all that different. Now Buffy...those were some vamp faces!

Then Elena leads Stefan his room, to his bed. And off comes the shirt, and that other shirt, and here goes another shirt, and wow did they wear a lot of layers and...close up on Stefan's shoulders....and....and....oh right, close up on the ring, close up on the anti-Damon necklace, Elena-Stefan back scratch and....cue commerical!

Meanwhile Back at Logan's Creepy Pyscho Killer Lair:
Logan: Who are you?

Alaric: Alaric, ALaric, AlAric, AlarIC


Alaric: I'm a friend of Jenna's!

Logan: I see, well go on then, fight me. Try it! I'm a vampire!

Alaric: I know (stake!)

And Logan is dead.


Then there are some scenes with Matt and Tyler and Caroline and her Mom and Caroline and Damon and no one really cares because we all want to get back to the sexytime with Elena and Stefan and oh thank you CW.

Salvatore Mansion:

Elena and Stefan cuddling in bed after super vampire sex (or so I hope).

Stefan: Thirsty?

Elena: Yeah, you?


Elena: Oh sorry, I didn't mean

Is Stefan going to bite Elena!?!?!? Because that would rule. Kevin, please??? Aw, guess not.

Then Elena walks around the room all happy and in love everything smells better, mmmmm yummy candle and then wow here's a really old picture.... Katherine... OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Elena, hurt, torn, betrayed, oversexed, missing her anti-Damon necklace, dashes to her car, drives tearily home and then....hits a man, or a zombie, or a vampire -- something, her car rolls over and she lands on her head, and the thing...pops and locks comes back to life, stomps over to her upside down car and Elena SCREAMS and that is what we call a cliffhanger, Kevin Williamson!



  1. I will tell you how awesome you are as soon as I can stop laughing! This was amazing!

  2. I could read this over and over. Best line, by far -- Damon: Hurry up and call the Amazing Race, tell them we can't make it.

  3. Alaric, ALaric, AlAric, AlarIC
    hahahahha you are hilarious!!

  4. I love this! xD!!

    Damon's lines are great!

  5. i love your recaps!!!
    and you´re hilarious XD

  6. Hysterical writing here! I'm glad I wasn't the only one picking up on the weird Tyler/Jeremy vibe. They have to do something with Jeremy's character: they can't leave him the hapless little brother forever. And he can't be the human sidekick to Stefan/Damon (that's Matt's role).

    Since everyone knows Tyler's a werewolf, I'm guessing they'll contrive some way for Tyler to bite Jeremy and turn him. That creates a Tyler/Jeremy werewolf dynamic similar to the Stefan/Damon vampire duo. Heh, I don't think they'll be gay, but they're going to need some new love interest with Vicki gone! Or else they won't just be bromance wolf-buddies...

  7. i adore this show , i came across your site today and im already addicted to these!!!! freakin hell you are fuckin halarious seriously you have to keep this up, infact you might have even inspired me to do a little of my own even though it will be nthing compared to urs of course keep it up!!!!

  8. I love all of your recaps. They're hilarious! I can't wait until the show comes back and I can read more of them!!

  9. YES! A vampire diaries site as good as the Twilight ones. Nicely done!

    Now if only someone will crack True Blood...but we're all too busy gawking at the actual sex scenes.

  10. These are hilarious! Hope you continue. Thanks!


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