Friday, November 13, 2009

Vampire Diaries: Episode 9

Bonnie: Vampire Diaries just started...what am I doing in the opening credits? Oh crap! This means...CRAP!

Here comes the super creepy music and now Bonnie is walking alone in the hallways of school and she sees... Emily! Ah! Wait a second, isn't that Kendra from Buffy because  if it is, I love her and that would be totally awesome and OMG it IS Kendra! Yay! Hi Kendra! Glad to see you alive and well, sorry you died in part 1 of the season 2 finale. Anyway...

Bonnie follows Emily/Kendra into the woods... particularly to the ruins of a church...isn't this where Vickie got killed one time?

Emily: This is where it started and this is where it has to end!

Bonnie: Great great great grandwitch or whatever, you're freaking me out!

Bonnie tries to get away from Emily, and... she wakes up. Oh phew bad dream. She's in class and looks to her right and OMFG it's Emily again and then Bonnie wakes up, and wait a second this was a dream in a dream in a dream, and now she is back at the ruins of the church and OMG if she wakes up one more time this is never going to end...

Outside Mystic Falls High School:

Caroline: I'm so mad at Bonnie, what the hell! Why does she get more screen time than me? I just don't get it. I mean, I'm the one who dated a vampire for an episode, I got way more vampire action than even you did Elena, and still! This is ridiculous. I mean, I almost died in episode 4 and...

Elena: Caroline, stop whining or you're going to get even less screen time than usual, capiche?

Caroline: Ok fine, look let me just say what a pleasure it is to be in a scene with you, walking and talking and not just being pushed over to secondary character drama, we should do this again sometime, really. Me, you and the cameraman, it's a nice combination. So how's Stefan?

Elena: He's ummm, I have to go.

Then Caroline is REALLY happy to see Matt. Man does she love Elena's sloppy seconds. But Matt just walks on by.

In History Class:

The new history teacher is here-finally! Dude, Mr. Tanner has been dead for like 6 episodes, what have these kids been learning in school? I mean really. Well helloooooo Alaric.

New history teacher is HOT and obsessed with his German heritage and pronouncing his name.

Alaric: Alaric, AlAric, AlarIC, ALAric, you can pronounce my name in sooooo many ways. Fun, huh? Ok say it with me now, A-L-A-R-I-C...

Salvatore Mansion:

IMPORTANT: Stefan has no shirt on... this may impact my recap of the following scene in that I may have no idea what's going on....

Damon: Here Steffy, drink this, it's yummy...bambi, caught it myself. Peace offering, brother?

Stefan: Is shirtless: OMG you killed my bff. I'm not speaking to you, go away.

Damon: Oh come on...please...

And then they decide to switch personalities in some wierd ancient vampire brother game of freaky friday and Damon is talking like Stefan and Stefan is talking like Damon and aside from Stefan putting his shirt back on this scene is totally for the win!

Damon: (in a mocking voice) Oh I'm a vegetarian. I don't eat people. Elena is so beautiful. I love her.

Stefan: Ooooh I'm a bad ass, I wiggle my eyebrows, and I will make you guess at my diabolical plans

Damon: I'm emo, my eyebrows can't move or they might create a non-brooding expression on my face. I think going to highschool again and again is fun.

Stefan: My eyebrows are possessed by the devil and I'm a bad ass and need some dance lessons...

Damon has had enough pretending to be Stefan and leaves

Damon: Oh that Damon, he always has to have the last word....


Back at Mystic Falls Highschool:

Bonnie: I'm being haunted by Emily. WTF!

And Alaric meets Jeremy...

Alaric: Hey Jeremy, heard you were a slacker and apparently a Gilbert, hmmmm very old family and listen let me throw your jackass file in the trash because I'm a cool teacher and you write me some history paper using local historical sources (cough from your ancestors who know about vampires cough)

Close up on Alaric's ring...and then Jeremy notices his ring and then they have the same convo that Stefan and Elena did in episode 1 and hmmmmm does this mean Alaric is a vampire and Katherine gave him a special ring too? But Book Alaric isn't...though he knows about vampires....

Caroline and Matt outside....

Caroline: What is "hey?"

Matt: It's a form of expression, a common greeting, a way of saying hello, slang salutations, also when spelled with an A it's what horses eat.

Caroline: UGH! I KNOW! Listen to me, you slept in my bed and there....there...there was CUDDLING DAMNIT and then you snuck out my window! Lame guy move!

Matt: Oh yeah? Reading something into "hey" which I've been saying to you everyday since we were in diapers= lame girl move! And only in Edward Cullen's world does cuddling have the impact that you're suggesting it does!

Damn Matt! When did you grow some?

Stefan and Elena...

Elena: Stefan! OMG Hi! I MISS YOU! I LOVE You! What's going on? Have you lost weight? Sup?

Stefan: Not much but like I kind of realized the other day that I was 150 years old and I just thought, you know, I'm really way to old for high school so I just thought I'd drop out. Maybe see the world...

Elena: Pouts

Damon and Bonnie...


Bonnie: I will scream!

Damon: No, no! No screaming, no threats, I'm trying to help you you little witch. I know Emily is haunting you and she is going to creep inside you (ew) and the only way I can help you is if you give me the necklace. Oh here, let me get your car door for you madam, get in, go on, safe journey home. Oh and P.S. tell Emily that Damon says hi!

In Bonnie's Car:

Bonnie and Elena are driving and this is the first time they've driven together since the first episode. Way to go.

But then Bonnie drives off the side of the road and very angrily throws the necklace into a field.
Sweetie, that ain't no Mt. Doom, you haven't seen the end of this piece of jewelry yet...

At the only restaurant in Mystic Falls:

Aunt Jenna has her sights set on Alaric, naturally since he is the only male cast member above 20 years old

Aunt Jenna: Did you pick your history paper topic yet? You know your dad really loved that family history stuff and its all packed up conveniently in the closet...

Hmmmm this sounds like a really archaic way of getting your papers off the internet. Way to go, Aunt Jenna!

At Elena's:

Stefan shows up because Bonnie is there super stressed

--And I need to pause here for a moment to tell you all that for this entire episode, Elena has been wearing my shirt. No really, I totally own that in the exact same color with the zippers and everything. Just thought you should know and ok...back to the recap--

Elena: Damon threatened Bonnie, because he gave a neklace to Caroline and she gave it to Bonnie and Bonnie's grandma witch said to keep it and now he wants it back! Why?

Stefan: That necklace was Emily's and she was Katherine's handmaiden and a witch- Ill talk to Damon and get it out of him

Elena: Really? Will he tell you?

Stefan: Oh yeah actually I already kind of know bc I am Damon in this episode.

Elena: huh?

Stefan: Oh its just this thing, we're pretending we're each other all day long, soooooo much fun!

Elena: ....

Stefan: It's a brother thing

At the Only Restaurant:

Stefan continues to try to be Damon...

Stefan: Oh hey, Stefan, remember when we were loving brothers? We brothered together so well!

Damon (rolls his eyes and wiggles eyebrows): Oh but Damon, why do you kill everybody? You are such a Meanie McMean Pants!

--I LOVE this new Stefan who thinks he is Damon and has a personality and tries to be funny!

Stefan just stole a bottle of alcohol and uses his seductive eyes to "say come on brother lets get out of here." What a waste, you could be using your sexy eyes on me. Lame.

At Elena's:

Caroline gives Bonnie the stink eye and apologizes for being so rude and saying the necklace made her look fat.

Bonnie: Dont hate me but I threw it away.

Caroline: WHAT! BUT! It sparkled...screw it, let's do manicures.

Caroline goes over to Bonnie's bag for nail polish and..

Caroline: Why are you such an effing liar Bonnie!! The Necklace is in your bag!

Bonnie: OMFG!

Necklace is on the counter

Bonnie: But I threw it into a field. Why is Emily the ghost haunting me?

Caroline: Emily? Ghost! Why don't you ever tell me anything ever?

Bonnie: Well you aren't in a whole lot of scenes.

Caroline: I'm in this scene! I'm here!

Elena: Actually...the camera keeps panning back to you're not in it as much as you think..

At the Only Restaurant In Mystic Falls:

Aunt Jenna: I had a sucky last boyfriend, you?

Alaric: Fell in love, married young, wife died.

Aunt Jenna: Oooh crap, Im sorry what happened?

Alaric: Well either she was killed by vampires, or she was a vampire and died, or I'm a vampire and I killed her, or we both were vampires or....ummm my gosh, no one knows, it's a mystery.

Stefan and Damon Play Darts:

Stefan: What's wrong? You miss my brooding forehead?

Damon and Stefan continue with freaky friday mocking and pretending to be each other and somehow Stefan has actually learned how to enunciate his words and say things with emotion and even tell jokes. OMG, he has learned how to move his eyebrows up and down too!

Back at the Slumber Party at Elena's:

Caroline: Look I'm sorry, Bonnie, I am your bff and Im listening now. See even the camera is focused on me.

Bonnie: Ok, we're cool.

Then they have a seance.

Bonnie: Hey, yo Emily, sup? Why you be all up haunting me in my grill?

Caroline: OMG you can't talk to a ghost like that.

Bonnie: Fine. Oh Emily, oh ancient one, oh ancestor of mine I call forth uponeth on you.

Candles are lit and then lit some more and more and then the windows opened and I just screamed OMG and then the lights went out and the candles put out and now the necklace is GONE! Whoa!

At the Football Field:

The Salvatores have moved into a game of Vampire Touch Football. Fun with booze and darts and footballs and Damon is suspicious of you, Stefan.

Stefan: Look Damon, you need to know that our love for Katherine, it wasn't real. We didn't love her, she compelled us.

Damon: Dude, we are so NOT talking about this tonight.

Stefan: Fine tell me why you want Katherine's necklace.

And then there is a whole lot of convo that I barely followed but basically Katherine died in a fire in a church except she didn't because Emily did some witch mumbo jumbo to keep her alive in a tomb and this necklace will bring her back to life or something and why didn't Stefan know this? Oh because he and Katherine were busy with other things ahem and now Damon is pissed because he just realized again that Katherine did both of these brothers and anyway he can only bring her back when there is a comet or something every 150 years and oh yeah there was a comet in episode 2 and...woooo next scene.

Back at the Sleepover

Bonnie finds the necklace again in the next room and then a door slams shut separating her from Caroline and Elena and lights are flaring and Bonnie is screaming bloody murder and then she goes silent and I just know it's because Emily has possessed her because the exact same thing happened in Paranormal Activity which surprisingly wasn't that scary and anyway and Caroline is out and now Emily/Bonnie is on the move....

Emily/Bonnie and Damon in the Woods

Damon: Emily, you owe me, I saved your children and I never killed Bonnie in any episodes.

Emily/Bonnie: I know and things are different now I'm sorry, but I can't let you do this!

And then they fight and Bonnie witches Damon onto a tree where he is impaled by a branch and OUCH that hurts but it missed the heart so he is alive, but awww he is whimpering...

Back at Elena's:

Jeremy pulls out the old box of his dad's school stuff and Aunt Jenna comes home and Alaric can't come inside because he IS a vampire and Aunt Jenna, you just have the BEST taste in men ever and then Jeremy finds an 1864 ancient Gilbert ancestors journal and Aunt Jenna rips up a picture of her and her ex-newscaster boyfriend.

Back in the Woods:

Stefan saves Damon

Damon: OW this hurts! Damn it, THIS is why I eat people.

Ok sooo bringing back Katherine means bringing back 27 vampires? Bonnie is in the fire pentacle, there is fire everywhere and Elena is rushing in screaming noooooo and Damon is screaming noooooo and then the fire ends and it looks like Bonnie is just Bonnie and no longer Emily and the necklace is gone and all chances of bringing back Katherine from the dead or her tomb or wherever it is this tramp-vamp comes from and now Damon is pissed and he vampirizes Bonnie until Stefan gets him off of her but she is almost dead so Stefan has to feed her blood and Elena looks ready to puke.

Bonnie: WTF kind of medicine is this! It tastes horrible! But oh my neck feels better...

And Damon who just tried to kill Bonnie and regularly kills people in every episode just gets to sit there and chill out.

At Caroline's:

Matt climbs in Caroline's window.

Caroline: OMG!

Matt: So look I don't like you, I never did, but your a good cuddler like my old teddy bear Mr. Snufflepants before Vickie tore his eye out and then my mom accidentally flushed him down the toilet and I cried for three weeks and ok so me and you cuddled and it was nice and can we do it again? Junk food party in the bed?

Back in the Woods:

Damon sits alone, thinking Katherine didn't compel me, I just know it, I loved her and she loved me, it was true love and there are tears in his eyes and he finally is ready to leave Mystic Falls once and for all.  

Meanwhile Bonnie is terrified of Stefan now bc she doesnt know he is a vampire or really get what just happened to her

Stefan: I come in peace

Elena: Will she be a vampire too?
Stefan: No only if she dies tonight with my blood in her, so dont let her die tonight, ok?

Elena: K. So anyway you know how I said I couldn't do this-- be with you and stuff, well I can, I can be with you totally and please don't push me away.

Stefan: I can't. I have to leave, too many people die around me, this is for your own good.

Elena: What? No! Stefan! You can't leave me, please, please, please don't go. I can't be left alone, don't you know anything about teenage girls in love with vampires? If you leave me now I'm either going to go catatonic, or befriend werewolves, take up cliff diving as a hobby, or some other bad ass vamp will come to town and want to be my friend and do you really want those things to happen to me? Do you, Stefan? Do you!!!!!

Stefan just walks away....

--Dude! Really now. Why did you even come to Mystic Falls in the first place? I get why Damon's in town, but what bussiness did you have showing up and making Elena fall for you and then decide to leave? Your 150, get some logic!--

Damon is alone in the woods with MAJOR emo music playing and then we switch to...

Stefan is alone in his room ready to cry over a diary with the MAJOR emo music and now he is angry and destroying his room and throwing things around and CRYING-CRYING I TELL YOU-his eyes out and OMG the ANGST!

And now Elena is crying to the emo music and Bonnie is crying and I swear if one more person starts crying I'm going to cry!

Meanwhile Aunt Jenna's ex-newscaster boyfriend shows up at the door which means he isn't dead, which means....CRAP!!


  1. Fantastic episode! Mysterious new history teacher. Damon reveals his master plan. Cliff hanger ending. Awesome!

  2. I just discovered your blog via a link on Twitter, and this post just cracked me up. Well done. Also, bonus points for the Mount Doom reference.

  3. I just love your recaps for Vampire Diaries. They're like a hidden gem and I feel it's my duty to share them with the world. And I try to do that by twitter. Recently I was able to get Kevin Williamson to read this recap and he said he loved it.(@kevwilliamson on twitter)

    Btw, I was able to share this blog via twitter with @heroine_tv(see above)and as you can see, she loved it as well.

  4. Thank you so much heroine_tv-I was actually so exhausted when I wrote this, but I'm so happy you found it and enjoyed! I'll have to link to the other episodes when I do 10 this week.

    Leah-OMG! Seriously? Kevin Williamson read this? I don't know how to tell you this, but if he really did read it and like it, then just made my life are totally my HERO!! I'm going to follow you all on twitter right now!

  5. Loved it! And great catch recognizing Kendra. I missed her!!! But you didn't mention that the new history teacher is Warner Huntington the THIRD from Legally Blonde! I expect some Warner references in the next recap...

  6. OMG!! This was an awesome recap!! I'm going to post about it on our blog! :)

  7. I laughed when you said this: "At the only restaurant at Mystic Falls.." LOL

  8. I have to say that this is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time. I'm a huge fan of the series, and you've really captured it well. I'm going to send this link to my "Elderly" friends.

  9. HAHAHAHAA I love this!! And I love the Buffy reference, I haated Kendra though, her accent was terrible!

  10. This is soooo funny! I really loved it! You're awesome!


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