Saturday, February 6, 2010

Vampire Diaries: Episode 13: Children of the Damned

Mystic Falls: The Year That Stefan Was Human

Late at night on a dark deserted road in the good town of Mystic Falls a horse-drawn carriage stops to hear the desperate pleas of a beautiful woman whose husband has been hurt. A man gets out to help her husband and the driver steps out too.

Driver: It’s not safe to be out here in the middle of the night.

Katherine: No sir, it’s not safe….FOR YOU!! And she vampirizes the driver.

And then she goes to vampirize the other guy helping…oooh look it’s Damon and he’s human and he doesn’t know how to eat and kill yet. Awww (well, ew, but awww).

Katherine: And that’s how we vampire. Cool huh?

Damon: Awesome. I’m ready. Turn me.

Katherine: Kiss me.

Damon: Um, well wait…you’re kind of slobbering blood all over the place (he actually tries to wipe her face with a handkerchief!)

Katherine: Get used to it! Love the blood baby! Love the blood!

And then they share a bloody-vampire-slobber-kiss

Mystic Falls: The Year Elena and Stefan Are Sexually Active

Damon totally walks in on Elena and Stefan in bed sharing the post crazy-vampire-sex-glow.

Elena: OMG Damon! I’m almost naked except for my awesomely sexy camisole that conveniently covers everything you can’t show unless you're on cable.

Damon: Puh-lease. I’ve slept with your doppelganger, it’s nothing I haven’t seen before. I bet you also have that birthmark right over your—

Stefan: OUT!

Damon: Relax. I just came to call to order the first ever meeting of the Super Secret Diabolical Planners Club. The SSDPC for short or the S squared DPC. I’m president. Stefan, you can be secretary, and Elena…no Elena should be the secretary because she’d look really cute in little secretary glasses and…

Stefan: Get to the point.

Damon: Rolls eyes. Wiggles eyebrows. Fine. Elena, you’re a Gilbert and we need your great great great great Gilbert’s journal to find Emily’s spellbook. So go get it.

Stefan: Elena, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.

Damon: Exsqueeze me? I’m the president. Not you. Elena, journal. Stefan, look into getting us some club buttons, maybe matching t-shirts. Me…I’ve got to go work on my diabolical plan: the trilogy. Man, I love our club. Just the three of us. Not kinky at all…

Stefan and Elena return to the vampire nookie under the sheets and the sheets flashback to…

Mystic Falls: The Year Katherine and Damon Were Sexually Active

Damon: Do you want a visit from the….TICKLE MONSTER???

Katherine: Do you want a visit from the….VAMPIRE MONSTER???

Kendra the Vampire Slayer Emily: Ms. Katherine, Pearl’s here to see you.

Katherine meets Pearl downstairs.

Katherine: Emily, tell Mr. Salvatore I’ve stepped away.

Kendra the Vampire Slayer Emily: Which one? The cute one? The cuter one or the old one, the older one, or the one that’s probably going to die today from fever?

Katherine: All of them. And tell the dog too while you’re at it.

Pearl: It’s getting dangerous for us here, Katherine. I went to the beauty store today to buy a new jar of anti-wrinkle cream--

Katherine: Anti-what cream?

Pearl: Anti-wrinkle cream-- so I don’t look old.

Katherine: You’re a vampire, what part about eternal youth don’t you understand?

Pearl: I’m pushing 1,000 here and you saw what those vampires in Volterra looked like. Not pretty.

Katherine: Ok, so what’s your point?

Pearl slaps the lotion on her.

Katherine: AAAAH! It burns, it burns! OMG…its Pre-Damon-Anti-Damon!

Pearl: They know about us!

And OMG Anna is Pearl’s daughter!!!

Mystic Falls: The Year Anna Stalks Jeremy

Anna: on the phone Jeremy, it’s Anna, your girlfriend stalker chic, I love you call me.

Ben: Please note that he is wet, shirtless, and wrapped in a towel Hey baby.

Anna: Shhh, I’m reading.

Ben: Oh did you find that old journal thing you’re looking for?

Anna: No, now drink some blood. If you’re hungry on your date the witch will know.

Ben: Fiiiiiine. Hey! What about that book over there? Is that the journal? That looks REALLY old.

Anna: That’s a first edition Harry Potter, you moron.

Ben: And this journal you’re looking for is even older? I don’t know, Anna, are you sure pens even existed back then?

Anna: If you weren't dead, I'd kill you again.

At Elena’s:

Elena: You know, Damon is really romantic. Every single thing he’s ever done in the last two hundred years has been for love.

Stefan: What? You think killing and torturing and controlling innocent people and children and all of the other vile and cruel sins against all that is good in this world is romantic?

Elena: So you’re saying you wouldn’t kill and torture and control innocent people and children to prove your love to me?


Elena: Ok…. Look, it’s my great great great great Gilbert’s strange muzzle device.

Jeremy: Oh cool, great great great great Gilbert’s things. I read his journal last week. Wrote a paper on it. Got an A…not to brag or anything, but did you know that A is the first letter of the alphabet?

Stefan: You WHAT?

Elena: Where’s the journal now, Jeremy?

Jeremy: Why are you all so obsessed with this journal? Alaric called it history teacher porn. And now you two want it? I must have skipped the good parts.

Mystic Falls High School/Mystic Falls: The Year The Founders Played with Vampire Compasses

Alaric alone in his classroom reads the journal of Great Gilbert/FLASHBACK

Giuseppe Salvatore: Where does this compass lead to? Treasure? Gold? Our heart’s desire?

Jonathon Gilbert: No, you idiot! It leads to vampires.

Giuseppe Salvatore: Vampires? We have vampires in this town?

Jonathon Gilbert: Dude, that’s why we called this meeting and I made this compass.

Giuseppe Salvatore: Is the compass magic? Can it grant me wishes?

Jonathon Gilbert: No! Its science and it leads to vampires. Just vampires! No wishes, no treasure, just vampires.

Giuseppe Salvatore: Oh...ok. How does it work?

Jonathon Gilbert: Well how should I know? I’m a writer, not a scientist.

Back to Alaric…making photo copies…alone in the high school, in the dark! He hears a noise…and he goes outside his office leaving the journal alone on his desk… OMG! Alaric! You’re in a Kevin Williamson production and you kill vampires! Did you really just leave your office to investigate a strange noise? Abort! Abort! I think Anna’s around and OMG Anna IS around! Oh she so totally stole your journal.

Alaric then goes and gets some kind of crazy stake-gun machine that he totally built in his basement one night after a lot of drinks and too many action hero movies and shoots and…Stefan catches the stake in his hand! Yeah…he used to play football in episode 3.

Stefan: Dude! WTF? What is that? Did you build it yourself?


Stefan: Ok whatever, so tell me who you are.


Stefan: All right. We can do this the easy way, or we can do this the vampire way. And trust me, you won’t like it that way.

Alaric: I came here to avenge the death of my paranormal psychologist wife who was vampirized and disappeared and is probably a vampire now sired by your brother. Or not. But she probably is one. I’m here to find out the truth.

Stefan: Anything else I should know about your dead wife?

Alaric: The year she was born, she was the only person named Isabel and is Elena’s birth mother and the shit’s going to hit the fan when she finds out that Damon killed her. No.

Stefan: Ok good. Where’s the journal.

Alaric: Right….here….Well it was here! A second ago.

Stefan: epic sigh

Mystic Falls, Anna’s Joint/Mystic Falls the Year Anna’s Mom Wasn’t In The Tomb

Ben: Kiss me.

Anna: Ew! As if! I’m reading….flashback to

Pearl: Katherine we have to get out of here. They put Pre-Damon-Anti-Damon in the eye cream, in the night serum, in the daily moisturizer, AND in the suntan lotion!

Katherine: Vampires don’t wear suntan lotion.

Pearl: Wait until your 1,000!

Jonathon Gilbert: Oh Ms. Pearl, might I speak with you?

Kendra the Vampire Slayer Emily: Gilbert wants to do your Mom!

Anna: Ew.

And we switch to…the Salvatores taking a walk.

Giuseppe Salvatore: Damon you are a worthless piece of crap, a deserter and the bane of my existence bringing shame upon the name Salvatore!

Stefan: Dad! Do you realize that what you’re saying right now can potentially create 150 years worth of daddy issues for Damon?

Giuseppe Salvatore: Don’t worry son, your daddy issues talk is coming too. Also we’re going to kill all the vampires in town! Don’t disappoint me.

At Elena’s: Present Day:
Damon is cooking dinner for Aunt Jenna? And flirting with her? Ok…

Damon: Oh my dad never approved of my girlfriends.

Aunt Jenna: Yeah, parents suck.

Damon: Aren’t you like Elena and Jeremy’s “parent” now?

Aunt Jenna: Oh…right...yeah….everybody should totally listen to their parents…

Damon: So they ever find the body of your ex-newscaster boyfriend?

Aunt Jenna: Huh? He’s like in the Bahamas getting a tan. The jerkwad.

Damon: Riiight….oh hi Elena! So where is my dear brother, Stefan? He’s missing family night which is SO much fun. Are you having fun? Because I am!

Elena: He’ll be here.

Damon and Elena alone in the kitchen…

Damon: moves super close to Elena and looks into her eyes. Can I trust him? Is he trustworthy?

Elena: I’m wearing my Anti-Damon collection.

Damon: Fall?

Elena: Spring actually. So you can’t compel me.

Damon: I’m not trying to compel you. I’m asking as a friend, who never ever tried to kill you and only ever killed one of your friends who you were only sort of friends with, if my brother is a big fat liar or not.


Damon: Because once I used to trust him. I even let him borrow my snuggie in 1885 and it was brand new and my favorite color--Afternoon-Sky-Blue…matches my eyes;) Anyway I still can’t talk about the stain situation I found when he finally returned it to me. And I’ve never looked at him the same.

Elena: Um, I don’t think snuggies were around in 1885.

Damon: You’re 17. What do you know? Anyway the point is I love Katherine and I’ll do anything…ANYTHING to get her back.

Elena: That’s hot.

Damon: I know. And if you’re lying to me, I will totally kill you—club secretary or not. Capiche?

Then Damon and Jeremy play video games together while Aunt Jenna gushes over Damon unaware that he has super vampire hearing powers. Elena remembering that he can hear her, calls him an ass. And then Anna calls Jeremy and he ignores the call even though Damon swears being a hottie trumps being weird and Jeremy ought to tap that.

At the Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls:

Ben and Bonnie bemoan the fact that Metallica is never a good choice for karaoke. Obviously he should have gone with a Wham! Song. Next time, next time. And then they launch into a five hour conversation about who's Bonnie’s best friend and how she’d die for her, because we can’t possibly have a scene where Elena’s name isn’t mentioned 30 times.

Back at Elena’s:

Stefan tells Damon the bad news…another vampire stole the journal before he could get there. But Damon’s not having it.

Damon: Jeremy, who did you tell about your great great Gilbert’s journal? Who else knows?

Jeremy: OMG, you want it too? I must have totally missed the porn in there. Damnit! I just told that weird chic Anna.

Damon: Anna? OK come on Jeremy, we’re going on a date tonight.

Jeremy: You guys are SO weird.

Damon and Jeremy leave and then Stefan reveals that he stole Alaric’s photocopy of the journal. Sneaky, sneaky! Man, I’m trusting Stefan less and less these days. And then Damon gets to the Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls and sees Jeremy with Anna and OMG he knows who she is! While at Elena’s, Stefan reads from the photocopy.

Stefan: “The secret for how to get into the tomb is in Emily’s spell book. A secret I will keep and a secret that Giuseppe will carry to his grave.”

Elena: I take it that’s not a figure of speech.

Stefan: Flashback…to the conversation that gave him his daddy issues.

Giuseppe Salvatore: Ah my son, come in, come in. I’m thinking very grave thoughts. Thoughts that have left me in a grave mood.

Stefan: So you packed everything you want to be buried with?

Giuseppe Salvatore: Well you don’t want to be unprepared. Just need to fit this spell book into my suitcase for when I travel to the great beyond. But what about you, my son?

Stefan: Dad…I have a dream. A dream where vampires and humans can be friends. A dream where you can shake a vampire's hand on the street and not fear they will bite you. A dream that one day I will become a celibate vegetarian vampire and have my story written down by some woman in the 1990s in a popular book series that will be resurrected in a tv show when vampires become all the rage 10 years later and I will stand out among the masses because I look the best without a shirt. I believe that some day, vampires won’t be considered the villains, but the heroes. They won’t be scary. They will be sexy. It’s time for the world to know the truth: not all vampires are evil. Some are just emo. This is my dream, Dad.

Giuseppe: You moron! They are demons from hell and no woman will ever write a story about them! And so help me God, Stefan if you become the star of a vampire tv show than I will haunt your thoughts with this conversation for the next 200 years. Now if you’ll excuse me. I need to fit the wine glasses into my grave-site suitcase.

Flash to modern day Stefan…

Stefan: I know where the spell book is!

Elena: rolls eyes. Was a flash back really necessary for that epiphany?

At Anna’s Joint:

Anna comes home and waiting in the doorway for her is Damon! He vampire-grips her neck and she vampire-grips him back.

Anna: Say uncle! Say uncle!

Damon: No you! You!

They both let go and rub their necks. OW!

Mystic Falls: The Year Katherine and Stefan were Sexually Active

Stefan: Is that a new necklace? Did Damon give it to you?

Katherine: Why do you care? Jealous?

Stefan: Obviously. Just pick me, Katherine, I want you to myself.

Katherine: But I get to make all the rules, because I know exactly the way you like it. And then she vampirizes him and falls off the bed! AAAAAh! Pre-Damon-Anti-Damon.

Giuseppe: I knew it! Stefan, I fed you full of Pre-Damon-Anti-Damon to expose her and now I did! Go get the police! (oooooh so that’s where you learned that trick in episode 4) And then Stefan runs off.

Mystic Falls: Present Day: Anna’s Joint

So basically we find out that Anna has been hanging out in Mystic Falls since episode 2, but she kept a low profile and also, she’s the one who turned Logan into a vampire thinking if she got her hands on the Fell journal she’d be able to open the tomb and release her mother. But now she has the Gilbert journal and Damon takes that away from her because he works alone thank you very much. Also, no one invited her into the SSDPC.

At The Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls:
Bonnie: calls Elena. OMG, Ben is like so totally hot and yummy and a perfect gentleman and I just want to kiss him.

Elena: Bonnie, I’ve got to go dig graves. Just kiss him already sheesh.

Bonnie: Ok! Goes to Ben and Lip Smack….psychic witch senses start to jump around and Bonnie pulls off some massively good acting. Oh darn I should have waited to the end of the night to kiss you and I’m tired, but let’s keep going and have some coffee and hold on while I pee….and Ben vampire speed runs behind her and drags her away.


Mystic Falls: The Year Elena and Stefan Open Graves

Elena and Stefan dig deeper and deeper and then…Houston we’ve hit the coffin. Stefan opens it and there are gross daddy dead bones and…Emily’s spell book. Huzzah!

OMG Stefan GTFO of there! You know Damon’s going to be there ANY second and…ooooh crap, there he is.

Damon: I knew it! I knew you weren’t really ordering secret club buttons. How could you lie to me?

Stefan: I’m sorry. I couldn’t let you bring her back. Some vampires are emo, but she’s just evil.

Damon: Whatever. I knew you were a liar. But you, Elena…I want my pink shirt back!

Wow Damon kind of looks like he’s going to cry…but then he grabs Elena. He means business. Stefan if you destroy that spell book he’ll see how good her blood really tastes.

Elena: Stefan, now is the time for you to kill and torture and control people to save me and prove you love me.

Stefan: Just hand her over.

Damon: Ok fine! I won’t kill her. I’ll do worse and then he cuts himself and is bleeding all over Elena’s mouth and ewwwww she has to drink it…

Stefan: Nooooooooooooooooo. Fine take the spellbook!

Elena: Is thrown back to Stefan and they leave in a huff and are taking their toys home with them.

Mystic Falls: The Year the Vampires were Locked in the Tomb

Katherine is unconscious and all muzzled up in Jonathon Gilbert’s muzzle thing and they’re rounding everyone up

Damon: This is all your fault! You told dad. I can’t trust you with anything. I want my snuggie back!

Stefan: But…but…I didn’t think this would happen!

Mystic Falls: Present Day: Gilbert House

Stefan: It’s all my fault. I thought my dad would understand and he didn’t and Damon trusted me and I broke that. I destroyed his faith in everything.

Elena: Vampire blood makes my head hurt

Stefan: So no crazy vampire sex tonight?


Stefan: I’ll get aspirin.

I have a baaaaaad feeling about this…. 2 minutes of episode time remain...

Jeremy: Oh hey! Where is she?

Stefan: Where’s who?

Jeremy: Anna. I invited her over OMG!!!! Jeremy should not be allowed to talk to people ever!!! First Black Hoodie and now Anna!!???!!??? Dude! Anybody could be a vampire!

Mystic Falls: The Year the Vampires Are Locked in the Tomb

Pearl: Anna get Emily, she’ll help!

Pearl then goes to get help or something…she might just like the way her dress swishes in the moonlight when she runs and she finds Jonathon Gilbert.

Jonathon Gilbert: Pearl! Check it out. We’re rounding up the demons. Awesome, right!

The Vampire Compass: Points to Pearl

Pearl: Oh crap!

And then the founders shoot her down and muzzle her up and throw her in with the other demon abominations of Mystic Falls while Emily holds Anna back who is screaming and now Stefan KNOWS, he KNOWS who Anna is and she’s in the house and Elena has vampire blood in her and oooooooh crap! She’s gone!!!!!!!!!! Aaaaah! Elena is MISSING!


Bonnie: WTF!!! I was dragged away by an angry vampire and there’s been no resolution to my storyline and no one even knows I’m gone. FML.

Caroline: Quit whining. At least you were in this episode.

Elena: Can you two shut up? I’m the one in danger of becoming a vampire  here and check out the preview for next week.



Elena: See, it’s all about me.

Bonnie: I am SO screwed!


  1. HAH!!! you're right, Caroline wasn't in the episode. And what's with Damon's curly hair back in the day? LOVED your recap again :D

  2. Thanks Christina, Im glad you enjoyed it!! :-)

  3. LOVE IT (as usual). I cracked up when I read, Mystic Falls: The Year Elena and Stefan Are Sexually Active. So great. Keep em' coming. I look forward to these!

  4. Ok... FTW:
    The scene titles.

    Stefan's "I Have a Dream" speech. Amazing.

    And your little epilogue... bahhahaha. Brilliance. Seriously. More Caroline!

  5. Kelly, Yay thank you!!!

    Donna, hehehe, Im glad you enjoyed that. Stefan's speech was maybe the most fun to write.

  6. Just noticed your link to these on your blog. I use LOL alot, but I literally was laughing out loud in this case. I love "the only restaurant in Mystic Falls". It's the Vamp Diaries version of the Peach Pit from old 90210 or The Max on Saved by the Bell.

  7. Roni, totally! And so glad you laughed and enjoyed:-)


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