Welcome to the opening credits, Elena Gilbert, this does not bode well for you. This does not bode well for you at all.
Elena: Ow my head hurts. Why can’t I wake up in my own bed anymore? I miss my diary. Sigh. Ew, sleeping vampire guarding me. Should I try and escape without my shoes? Nah
She makes it to the door and fumbles with the locks....Behind you, Elena! Look behind you! And …
Ben: Oooh look into my eyes. You’re feeling veeery sleepy.
Elena: You’ve compelled me.
She unlocks the door to run out and is blocked! By Anna.
Anna: What is wrong with you, Ben! I told you to watch her.
Ben: I was! I totally did the eye thing you showed me last night. You know when you wiggle your eyebrow just a little and bat your lashes. I even added a wink.
Anna: You idiot! She’s screwing Stefan Salvatore. You think your eye wiggle can compel her? You’re an extra! And you, Elena! Bathroom!
Elena is thrown into the bathroom where she finds… Bonnie! In the tub!
Stefan: Damon you have to help me. Anna has Elena and I can’t find her anywhere.
Damon: Where did you look?
Stefan: Everywhere! Everywhere I can think of!
Stefan: Yes, everywhere. First I checked The Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls! The Mystic Falls High School. And then The Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls!
Damon: You went there twice?
Stefan: 20xs actually?
Stefan: Well Mystic Falls only has 3 set pieces.
At Anna’s Lair:
Elena: Bonnie! Wake up! Wake up! Please wake up OMG!
Bonnie: I finally get a freaking date and then I got dragged off in the last episode and now I’m in a tub? Seriously? I want a new contract.
Elena: Look, they kidnapped you so you can witch Katherine’s tomb open.
Bonnie: I’ll never witch it open.
Ben: Oh yes you will!!!
Bonnie: Will not!
Ben: Bonnie, get with the program. Why do you think we kidnapped Elena?
Bonnie: Because she's the main character?
Ben: Exactly Captain Smarty Pants.
Elena is brough out of the bathroom so she can’t conspire with Bonnie on ways to escape and she meets Anna for the first time.
Elena: Are you an extra?
Anna: No! I’m a guest star. I’ve been in the last 3 episodes.
Elena: Well I’ve been in the last 13.
At the Only restaurant in Mystic Falls
Caroline: Hey Jeremy, where’s Elena? I’ve tried calling her, and texting, and facebook stalking and I may or may not have peaked inside her window…where is she?
Jeremy: Since when do you care where my sister is?
Caroline: Duh, I’ve always cared and I’m not at all asking because saying Elena’s name is the key to getting more screen time. Hmmm, you’re related to Elena, I wonder if I can stay in this scene longer by inviting you a party tonight.
Jeremy: You’re inviting me?
Caroline: Preens for the camera. OMG it’s working! It’s totally working. Jeremy let me tell you everything about this guy Duke who’s throwing the party, I mean Duke isn’t even his real name and…
The Camera: Moves on
Caroline: Ugh fine I’ll go and have some more awkward romancing with Matt. Are you happy now? Matt? Do you like me? Check yes or no.
At Bonnie’s Grandwitch’s:
Damon: Can I come in?
Damon: Oh yeah? Come out here and tell me that.
Grandwitch steps outside and she totally witches the meanest headache ever to Damon.
Damon: AAAAHHH! My eyebrows! My eyebrows! WTF was that?
Grandwitch: That was don’t mess with the witches Damon Salvatore. I have your number!
Meanwhile back at Anna’s
Elena: So why do you want to open the tomb? You like Katherine too?
Anna: No. I hate Katherine.
Anna: You know for being the star of the show you sure miss out on a lot. Like all of last week’s flashbacks.
Elena: There were flashbacks?
Anna: Yeah and my mom is in the tomb. Ok?
Elena: My mom’s in a tomb too.
Anna: If you try and hug me now, you’ll die.
Then Anna tells Ben to watch the hostages while she goes to meet Stefan to cut a deal and Elena asks for a glass of water and then Bonnie demands a sip but Elena only decides to give her the water after they make the most OBVIOUS eyes in the world at each other.
Elena’s Eyes: You’re going to witch the water?
Bonnie’s Eyes: Not for much longer! Stop looking at me like we’re making a plan! Use stealth much?
Elena’s Eyes: Not really.
Then Bonnie witches the water into something nasty and throws it on Ben and he’s burning and Bonnie escapes to the door but Ben grabs Elena and threatens to vampirize her if Bonnie doesn’t return.
Bonnie: Crap Elena, being your friend kind of sucks lately.
Mystic Falls Town Square:
Anna’s on her way to meet Stefan but before she can get there…
Anna: Oh Hai Jeremy.
Jeremy: Hey…so…look, you’re weird and kind of creepy and lurk around and stalk me and you’re not really all that pretty and totally the opposite of everything I like in a girl. In fact I don’t even think I want to introduce you to my friends, not that I’m sure I have any anymore, plus you read weird books and spend time in the library like a total loser, but basically what I’m trying to say is…I like you.
Anna: You finally like me and you decide to tell me this by insulting me?
Jeremy: It worked in Pride and Prejudice.
Jeremy: Great! There’s a big party. Tonight. Right by the tomb.
Anna looks totally perplexed, either because she really does like Jeremy, or wonders if her powers of compulsion are finally working, or because she doesn’t know what to wear to the party. Not sure. Then she sits on a bunch waiting for Stefan and…oh Hai Damon!
Anna: I work alone!
Damon: So do I.
Anna: Well I have the witch.
Damon: I have her book.
Anna: Fine! I’ll work with you.
Meanwhile back at Anna’s Lair….
Elena and Bonnie are sitting on the bed in captivity. When…EPIC DOOR OPENING LIGHT SHINES IN and Ben falls to the ground.
Elena: Stefan! Epic swoon.
Stefan: When it gets dark, GTFO of my town! The 3 set pieces aren’t big enough for the both of us.
Back at Bonnie’s Grandwitch’s:
Elena: Can we just open the tomb already? We’ve been talking about it since episode 6 and…
Bonnie: No! We can’t help Damon. Why should we give him what he wants?
Elena: Because if we don’t he might kill you the next time you piss him off.
Grandwitch: Ok I’ll do it. I’ll witch the tomb open. He gets his girl and all the other vampires die!
At Salvatore Mansion:
Elena: Damon, look I’m so super sorry I hurt your feelings in the last episode. I mean, I’m not sorry for what I did, but I…please forgive me and trust me even though I’m totally a backstabbing doppelganger of your ex-girlfriend.
Damon: Don’t make me utter some cliché line about fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Oh crap! I just did! Now I really hate you.
Elena: You can trust me. I promise. Look. I’ll even offer you my favorite piece from the Anti-Damon spring collection.
She takes the necklace off.
Damon: Puts the necklace back on her. It’s ok. I already have this in gold.
Elena: You do realize that the intense way you’re looking at me right now is totally foreshadowing a love scene between us.
Damon: Wiggles eyebrows. I foreshadowed that scene weeks ago.
Party Over the Tomb!
Elena and Damon show up to the party together and see….Caroline and Matt!!! Together!!! And holding hands… and its SO awkward.
Then Tyler-Douche-Bag who hasn’t been seen since his epic close up by the moon possibly foreshadowing his werewolf status like 4 episodes ago is at the party and wants to party with Jeremy and Jeremy’s all like umm no dude. We’re not friends. Remember Vickie? And the night your dad almost made us fight. Which btw was soooo weird. And Tyler-Douche-Bag is all like Whatever Man! You don’t even have any friends. Loser. And then Anna is there—let’s take a walk, baby!
Jeremy: You know…this area reminds me of…
Anna: Someone who died?
Jeremy: No, my ex-girlfriend. I see what you did thar Kevin Williamson! Anyway since I don’t have a girlfriend anymore and you’re still hanging around me…do you like me? Check yes or no.
Anna’s Eyes: Go all Vampire on her!
Jeremy: Your eyes….they’re all…
Anna: Shut up and kiss me!
Ben: Wonks Jeremy on the head and drags him away to be used as leverage for Anna.
And OMG! ELENA!!! Seriously…between you, Stefan and Damon…no one thought to warn Jeremy about Anna or put a watch on him? Vampires LOVE to use leverage and they love to go after you. The unprotected nature of Jeremy in this episode has officially put you in Too Stupid To Live Territory Elena! I’m putting you on notice!
Meanwhile….Bonnie and her Grandwitch are casting a circle
And Damon has a bag of blood to give Katherine…awwwwwww. And Ew!
And Back at the Actual Party which is Starting to Look Way More Fun Than This Tomb Business…
Tyler steals a drink from Matt and whines about him spending too much time with Caroline and I’m more and more convinced that Tyler’s hiding a secret bigger than being a furry creature once a month on the full moon.
Tyler Douche-Bag: Where’s Caroline. Honeymoon over already?
Matt: No…it’s just…I think she’s really clingy.
Tyler: But she’s not even with you right now.
Matt: I know!
Tyler: Right…so that’d make her the opposite of clingy. Hello!
Matt: Look man, Kevin Williamson won’t let me play the Elena card anymore so I need to find a reason to create tension in our relationship or I lose screen time.
Tyler: Yah I tried that and they vampirized my girlfriend and killed her off the show and now I’m hardly around anymore.
Matt: What’s your name again?
Caroline: Hi Matt! Got you a beer.
Matt: Stop crowding me, woman! OMG!
Caroline: Do you like me? Check yes or no.
Back to Witches Chanting:
Elena wonders what language the witches are chanting in. Is it Latin? Is it Greek? Is it Hebrew? Sanskrit? Gangsta Slang?
Then there’s a crash!
The Tomb: Opens
Stefan: I’ll start the fireworks.
Damon: I’m going in there and Elena’s coming with me!
Bonnie and the Grandwitch: NO!
Elena: It’s cool. He needs me as leverage so you don’t seal him in there. Also…the tomb scene will lose all of its tension if I’m not in there.Plus scenes without me are totally boring.
Bonnie: I think you’re starting to let this star of the show thing get to your head.
Elena: I know.
Then Stefan goes to the Vampire-Fire-Gun and sees Anna!
Anna: I’m getting my mom!
Anna: Well Ben’s over there and he’s going to eat Jeremy, so either save him or stop me. Your choice.
Stefan: My name is Stefan Salvatore. You kidnapped my girlfriend. Prepare to die. Vampire Punch.
Ben: Come at me bro!
Then back at the tomb, the witches let Anna through because….No One is coming out! OMG!
Inside the Tomb of Vampire Death!
Elena has lost Damon and is ALONE. In a Tomb! Full of Vampires. Starving Vampires. Vampires who haven’t eaten anything in 200 years. And now Elena is screaming and flashing her flashlight and OMG the minute Damon left you you should have gotten the hell out of that tomb. Elena! I already put you on notice. That’s it! Welcome to the township of Too Stupid To Live. Population: You!
And…Anna bites you.
Stefan: Where’s Elena?
Bonnie: Damon took her into the tomb.
Stefan: Are you serious? My lady love? In there. I’m going after her.
Bonnie: No! We only half witched the tomb. Vamps can go in, but no vampires can't come out.
Stefan: Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! And he runs into the tomb. Never to come out.
Inside the tomb:
Close up of Pearl, Anna’s Mom and OMG! I knew Vampires needed Anti-wrinkle cream!
Anna: Mom, here drink this…it’s essence of Katherine.
Then Stefan saves Elena and gets her the hell out of there, and Elena leaves the tomb but Stefan can’t come out…
Elena: Stefan…what are you…why are you still in there.
Stefan: I can’t leave. The witches only half-witched the spell.
Elena: You went in there for me…knowing you’d never come out?
Stefan: You screamed.
Elena: I scream in every episode.
Bonnie: Grandwitch! We have to witch the spell so he can leave! If we don’t-- I’ll have to listen to Elena whine and sob for the rest of eternity and I just can’t handle that kind of stress in my life right now.
So the witches get to work on re-witching the spell to reunite Stefan and Elena
Stefan goes in to get Damon…
Damon: Epic Blood Bag Throw
The Wall: WHY do vampires always throw things at me. These stains will never come out.
Damon: SHE’S NOT HEEEEEEERRRRRRRREEEEE! Katherine’s not in the tomb!
Stefan: WTF! We need to leave!
Damon: She’s not here! She’s not here! She’s not here!
Elena: WTF are you doing back in the tomb! Stefan imprisoned himself for eternity to get you out and now you’re back in! We need to leave Damon! Now!
Back at the Real Party:
Caroline: Matt? Do you like me? Check yes or no.
And then they kiss…almost.
Back at the tomb:
Poor Damon is crushed beyond belief. The love of his life that he spent 150 years making diabolical plans to save is not there and has betrayed him and his entire evil nature has now made him a fool.
Damon and Elena: Epic Hug!
Stefan: Is Jealous
Back at the Gilbert’s:
Jeremy: I don’t know how I passed out or remember anything. I know how this looks. And I’m sorry. I really wasn’t even drinking. Awwww if I could just reach through this tv screen right now and hug the crap out of Jeremy I would. He’s becoming my favorite character.
Elena: Gotta bounce bro. Glad you’re not dead.
Then Jeremy, who has graduated from reading really old journals and was attacked by his ex-vampire girlfriend and saw her staked and read all the proof of vamps in his Great Gilbert’s journal and saw Anna’s eyes changed and then was almost eaten by Ben…finally gets his google-search on and goes to the website: http://www.howtotellifyourentiretownisfullofvampires.com/
Back at Anna’s Lair:
Damon grabs Pearl as she and Anna come through the door.
Damon: You knew! You knew she wasn’t in the tomb! Where is she?
Anna: She bribed some guard who had a crush on her and she escaped. I saw her in the 80’s and dude, she totally fell prey to the bad fashion and hair. She even neon blue streaks and…
Damon: I. Hate. Everyone.
Scenes of Epic Sadness!
Damon sits by a fireplace, crushed. Stefan watches.
Bonnie’s Grandwitch Dies!!! And Bonnie is hysterical!
While the saddest version of the song Run is playing.
Meanwhile back at the tomb:
Some vampire licks Katherine’s blood bag remains off the wall…and is strong…and punches through the tomb wall and…dun dun dun!