Monday, May 3, 2010

Vampire Diaries Episode 18: Under Control

Opening Credits: Salvatore Mansion

So Stefan is showing off his vampire muscles in a boot camp style, human-blood-detox workout regime.

Stefan: Does Pull Ups: 1,001, 1,002, 1,003...

Damon: Dude, enough with the workout already. It's bo-ring!

Stefan: I have to work out, everyday for 3 hours a day. Besides, its in my contract to show my biceps this episode at least 3 times.

Damon: *rolls eyes* *wiggles eyebrows* *takes a swig from his glass o' blood*

Stefan: Do you mind? I'm trying to get away from that stuff. My sponsor at Blood Lovers Anonymous doesn't want me so close to temptation.

Damon: You know you're wacked, right? Because vampires drink blood and you could totally drink from the blood bank and not kill anyone and still be all holier than thou if you want.

Stefan: No! No blood for me!

Damon: Ok Mother Theresa. Got to go.

Damon leaves...and leaves his blood glass behind...

The Glass of Blood: Eyes Stefan

Stefan: Eyes the Glass of Blood

The Glass of Blood: Drink me!

Stefan: You have no power over me. You are a glass of blood.

The Glass of Blood: DRINK ME! You'll like it!


Stefan leans toward the glass and inches closer and closer and...Damon walks back in.

Damon: Oops, didn't mean to leave that there. It didn't try to tempt you, did it? *takes a drink* YUM!

Stefan: Vampire Pout

At The Gilberts:

Aunt Jenna: Jeremy!! Let's go, it's time for school.

Elena: Nice job acting like a parent this episode. And we're only 3 minutes in. I'm impressed.

Aunt Jenna: *Beams* Oh doorbell.

And at the door is...Uncle John! We know immediately from the look on Elena and Aunt Jenna's faces that we do not like Uncle John at all!

Uncle John: Hi everyone!

Elena: I have school.

Jeremy: I have band practice.

Uncle John: You don't even know how to read music.

The door: Slams

Aunt Jenna: Ok hi I hate you, what you do want?

Uncle John: All your plans for my dead brother's monies are belongs to me!

Aunt Jenna: WTF! I should have stayed out of this episode.

Mystic Falls High School

Elena: So my Uncle John is in town for an undesignated period of time.

Matt: Oh yuck.

Elena: BTW I'm sorry your sister was vampirized and killed and then I lied to you for months about if she was alive and covered up the hiding of her dead body died.

Matt: Thanks.

Elena: How's Caroline?

Matt: She's not in this episode.

Elena: Where is she?

Matt: *shrugs* Went to stay with Bonnie.

Elena: Why?

Matt: Because Uncle John's in this episode--too many extra's would have killed the budget.

Elena: I HATE Uncle John.

Outside Mystic Falls:

Tyler: Joint?

Jeremy: No. BTW Vickie's death makes no sense

Tyler: They said she ODed

Jeremy: But she was clean and even so, why cover up the body?

Tyler: Maybe she saw something? Like a werewolf... I don't know.

Jeremy: Like a...vampire...yeah I don't know.

Mystic Falls: Founder's Hall

All the super secret members of the Founder's Council have gathered to discuss the fact that they are covering up Vickie's death and then Uncle John--who is ALSO hated by the founders--announces that blood banks are being robbed! Yes, ladies and gentlemen...there are vampires in town.


Mystic Falls High School:

Alaric: Look, Elena, here's the vampire paper Jeremy wrote.

Elena: Crap, he doesn't believe they exist does he?

Alaric: No teenage boy is capable of this many footnotes unless he believes they do!

Elena: Well...he still might not know anything.

Alaric: BTW, even though your boyfriend is a mostly good guy and never tried to bite me, he's still a vampire, so I'd watch my back if I were you.

Elena: Yeah, ok, whatever....

Dramatic music plays so we know Elena feels uncertain about this....dun, dun, dun...

Dinner at the Gilbert's with Uncle John!

Uncle John: In case there was anyone at home in the audience who was still unsure of whether or not I was a likable character, let me set the record straight. I'm not. And I used to screw Aunt Jenna. BTW all Founder's activities are AWESOME! Gilbert's Rule!

Elena's Room:

Elena: So Jeremy probably believes in vampires. But I'm not sure. I mean, I never talk to him or anything, so that might be why I don't know. Because maybe if I asked him if he believed in vampires he might tell me, right?

Stefan: Like the way you'd answer if he asked you if you believed in vampires?

Elena: Crap, you're right. Let's have vampire-sex.

Stefan: Ok!

The sexy-time music kicks in and things are getting heated...

Stefan: Vampire-Growl-Kiss *rolls Elena over*

Since I do not foresee any sort of furthering of the plot or character development through vampire sex at this time, I sense something bad coming in....3...2...1...


Stefan: STOP! *Flings himself back into the wall*

The Wall: Oooomph! Oomph I say!

Edward Cullen: Dude! You stole my move!

Stefan: I like INVENTED the emo lovelorn vampire, so step back!

Edward: Grrrrrrrrr! It's not over between us! *Flies through the window*

Elena: WTF was that?

Bella: Oh honey, we need to chat.

Then Elena goes to answer the door and it's Damon!

Damon: You want me to go upstairs! Into your room? How scandalous!

Elena: Shut up and go!

Damon flings himself on the bed and cuddles with Mr. Snuggly and then ransacks Elena's bra drawer and is all kinds of inappropriate making kissy faces and checking out her butt and stealing pictures from her bureau. I think they might be discussing something about Stefan, but Damon's being so bad and cute at the moment, who really cares. They are SO going to get it on before this season ends.

Then Elena goes to talk to Jeremy and admit that she's adopted and BTW do you believe in vampires? No. Really, truly? No? Ok, sweet!

Salvatore Mansion:

Instead of a vampire, Stefan is now an alcoholic

Mystic Falls Anniversary Founder's Ball:

So now that Stefan is totally full of whisky and vodka and whatever else was lying around the mansion it's time to party! Damon taunts Stefan a little more about his true nature and Stefan goes off to find Elena...and another drink! Be careful there, Stefan! Your license says your 17...not 107!

Edward Cullen: *Still does not approve* Alcohol is just a goblet of sin!

Meanwhile Douche-bag Tyler's dad, Mayor Lockwood greets poor old Matt and his Mom who are now more than welcome at the ball since their daughter, being dead, is no longer in danger of getting knocked up by their son and thus creating a scandal on the mighty house of Lockwood!

Then Matt's Mom goes to get drunk and now Tyler is there getting drunk with Matt and Edward Cullen sulks off to the bathroom muttering about how vile and corrupt these people are, as well as the fact that Stefan brought the last bottle of his favorite hair gel at the store!

Back in the dance room, Stefan finds Elena and admits that's he totally drunk, but BONUS! Elena can take advantage of him and also drunk Stefan=Fun Stefan. Drunk Stefan is SO fun that he actually compels the DJ to play something everyone can dance to and then grabs Matt's mom for a dance.

Elena: Don't look now Aunt Jenna, but Alaric is totally behind you!

Aunt Jenna: Sweet!

Alaric: Hi, sorry I've been MIA, I kind of died two episodes ago and was saved by my magic ring from my dead wife that actually isn't dead but is a vampire and Elena's mother and then had to go on a mission to kill vampires and save Elena's boyfriend from vampire torture and  I had a lot of papers to grade. Let's dance.

And since Elena is standing all alone, who should come over to dance with her? Not Stefan! Not Damon! It's Matt! Oh boy...

Damon: Officer Forbes! Bow chicka wow wow! You look hot.

Officer Forbes: BTW Uncle John was right....someone IS stealing blood from the blood banks!

Jeremy: Officer, is there any news on Vickie's death?

Officer Forbes: She ODed.

Jeremy: Anything else????????

Officer Forbes: She was drained of blood and a vampire and seriously decomposed and there was this horrible smell coming off her. No.

Damon: *Eyes Jeremy and now we know he knows that Jeremy knows vampires are real!*

Back on the dance floor Stefan begs Elena to dance with her sad pathetic drunk vampire boyfriend because now that he's drunk he's his fun self again and quite possibly the vampire that once partied with Bon Jovi in a hot tub of fudge. Elena concedes and then Stefan promptly spins her into the biggest jack a$$ at the party who then insults Elena's honor by callin her out on her mad dancing skillz.

Stefan: That is NO way to talk to a lady!

Edward Cullen: Now we're talking! Protect her virtue!

Jack A$$: Whatever

Stefan: *Vampire compulsion* Say you're sorry!

Jack A$$: Sorry.

Stefan: Like you mean it! Say it like you mean it!

Jack A$$: My, your hair smells like strawberries!

Stefan: I said say it like you mean it!

Jack A$$: Thou art more beautiful than a summer's day, rough winds do shake the darling buds of May.

Stefan: Now get out of here.

Elena: Stefan, that was SO uncalled for.

At the Founder's Ball Bar

Elena: Are you aware that your brother has become a complete psycho-path?

Damon: Are you aware that your brother believes in vampires? Dude, he wants to know who buried Vickie's body.

Elena: So?

Damon: I buried Vickie's body.

Elena: Crap

At some corner of the ball

Matt's Mom: Is that a potted tree? Or a trash can?

Potted Tree: I'm a tree! I'm a tree!

Matt's Mom: Trash can! *drops her drink in it*

Potted Tree: Seethes

Tyler: You know that's a tree right?

Matt's Mom: Whatever, I need another drink. Come on tiger.

Tyler: I prefer wolf...

Matt's Mom: Come on, I need to get smashed so I can't grieve over my dead daughter

Tyler: BTW I used to date your daughter

Matt's Mom: *Sexy eyes Tyler*

Tyler: And I was mean to her

Matt's Mom: *licks lips*

Tyler: And I'm your son's best friend.

Matt's Mom: Kiss me!

Founder's Hall Balcony

Damon stands outside looking at the stars and then Uncle John appears and starts babbling on about the vampires and the tomb and OMG the vampires have been freed and...Damon! You're the one who freed them!

Damon: I did not!

Uncle John: Dude, you're such a vampire. Admit it.

Damon: I can kill you in two seconds you know.

Uncle John: Go ahead and try.

Damon: *rolls eyes* Let me guess you drink vervain?

Uncle John: Makes my blood taste spicey

Damon: win...I'm leaving...

Damon heads for the door and turns back to give Uncle John a withering and pathetic look and then...vampire-run, vampire-neck snap, and Uncle John is thrown off the balcony and totally dead. I think...

Then Damon takes a swig.

In some closet at the ball:

Elena: Jeremy, are you ok? You don't believe that Vickie was a vampire involved in foul play, do you?

Jeremy: If you knew the truth you'd tell me, right?

Elena: No Yes.

Back on the dance floor

Elena: Thanks for the dance, Matt.

Matt: Sure no problem, I love you and want to have your babies I think I need some air. Want to come?

Elena scans the room for Stefan who is drinking and swiveling his head from side to side in a totally creepy unStefan way that I do NOT approve of and OMG Stefan you're so sullen when you're good, but you're bad self is getting hard to stomach unless you become fun again like now. I like fun-dancing Stefan, but checking out chicks at the ball with that wierd pinch in your mouth is NOT okay! And so Elena agrees to go with Matt and then Matt mentions not having seen his mom in awhile and oh no this will end bad.

They round the corner and O.M.G.

Matt: You A-HOLE! You're kissing my MOM!

Tyler: Whoa bro, just chill out!

Matt: How am I supposed to get over my Oedipal Complex! Huh! *Teenage-Boy-Punch*


The Table: Gets Punched

The Glasses: Gets Punched

Matt's Mom: Gets Punched (but indirectly, she's just standing too close to the brawl)

And Elena is shrieking for Tyler to stop killing Matt and then Alaric pulls Tyler away and Matt's Mom is sitting on the floor with her forehead bleeding and Alaric is like DUDE, what is your issue? And Tyler has no idea there is a WOLF inside him. Then Mayor Lockwood comes.

Mayor Lockwood: Everything is fine, this was just part of the show. Carry on, carry on.

And then Damon meets up with Stefan:

Damon: This is the best party I've been in like...a whole week! And guess what? The Council is totally on our case again AND for dessert, I killed Uncle John dead.

Stefan: WHAT!

Then with Stefan's super vampire senses he hears Matt's Mom crying AND....he smells blood.

Stefan: Are you ok?

Matt's Mom: I'm crying and my whole forehead is bleeding! Do I look all right?

Stefan: Let me look at that for you.

Stefan then proceeds to smear Matt's Mom's blood all over her forehead and then she's like WTF are you doing and somewhere he remembers his own mother telling him not to play with his food and be bolts outside far away from the ball and far away from anyone who might possibly see his shame and stares at his bloody fingers and thinks...MUST NOT SUCK FINGERS! MUST NOT SUCK FINGERS! And then he totally sucks on his on his fingers.

Oh Stefan.

Back on the Dance Floor

Attention: Uncle John is not dead

Damon: WTF! Does nobody die anymore?

Frankie: Um, you realize how ironic that statement is considering you never died, right?

Damon: Frankie, I have WAY bigger problems to contend with. Now go back to recapping.

Frankie: Yeah, yeah

Then Uncle John gets to ring the Founder's Bell and Damon whispers to Alaric to check out Uncle John's ring...

Damon: Where did you get your ring?

Alaric: Isobel, dead wife limited edition

Damon: Yeah...Isobel....who gave birth to Elena...under the care of Dr. Gilbert who is Uncle John's brother....

Alaric: So Uncle John knows about vampires?

Damon: Dude, try and keep up.

Outside the Ball: Some Sidewalk

Jack A$$: *shoulder bumps Stefan* Oh! Woops. I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry.

Stefan: Back off

Jack A$$: *Bumps Stefan again* Oh no! I'm sorry! So sorry. WTF is that about? All I can do is apologize.

Stefan: Just go away!

Jack A$$: Oh you wimp! No girl to show off for now huh? *Draws arm back for a punch*

And Stefan crushes his fist in his hand and the Jack A$$ sinks to the ground and whimpers and Stefan's vampire face is ON, and the guy is like OMG What are you and Stefan is thinking...BLOOD!

And then Elena comes looking for Stefan and he vampire-speeds-away and she sees the guy who is now all compelled and crap and thinks he fell. And SMUSHED his hand!

At The Gilberts:

Jeremy scours Elena's room and uncovers....her diary! Oh, so that's where it was hidden all these episodes. And now...Jeremy knows Elena lied and that Vickie was a vamp and Elena covered everything up!

Back at the Ball:

Tyler: Dad, I'm SO sorry about before, I didn't even know what happened.It's like there's a wolf inside me. I lost control.

Mayor Lockwood: *FACEPUNCH*

Tyler:*wolfish glare* OMG you guys, if Tyler is not a werewolf I don't know what I'll do with myself.

At La Casa De Matt:

Matt's Mom: Mattie! What are you doing? Why are you packing my clothes in a suitcase? Hey! Victoria's Secret bras cannot be folded!

Matt: You are leaving! You're going on a permanent vacation! I'm better off without you. Plus since Uncle John can't die, I doubt Caroline will come back until another supporting actor leaves the show.

Matt's Mom: Noooooooooooooooooo!

Outside the Ball:

Damon: Uncle John, let's chat.

Uncle John: Want to kill me again? Or do you prefer Mr. Salzman to do it?

Alaric: It's Alaric.

Uncle John: Yes I've heard of you Alaric, or do you prefer AlarIc? Anyway I know more than you and more than the council and hell, I know more than even Kevin Williamson. I know the true story of the Salvatore brothers and I sent Isobel to Damon to get vampirized and I even know Katherine!  Have a nice night Damon. ALaric!

At the Gilberts:

Aunt Jenna: Boo, too many Founder's events! Those always put a strain on my plotlines.

Elena: Jeremy, are you okay? You look sort of funny.

Jeremy: No I'm fine. I totally didn't just read your diary and find out that you're a big fat liar and covering up everything there is to know about vampires and Vickie.

Then Elena goes to her room and looks in the mirror and BOO! Stefan scares the crap out of her!

Elena: What is wrong with you? Tell me!

Stefan: There is a pounding in my head. There's a fire in my heart! There is thunder in my breath!

Elena: ...

Stefan: All I want to do is drink blood. But I don't want you to know. But I have to tell you anyway! There is a hunger inside me so strong I could eat anything. ANYTHING. RIGHT NOW.

So THIS is a good moment for Elena to get closer to Stefan. But he jumps from the bed.

Stefan: I am the world's best predator. Everything about me draws you in, my looks, my scent, my voice. You're like a drug to me.

Edward Cullen: I swear to God, Stefan! Stop using my lines.

Elena: I'm not afraid of you.

Stefan: Be afraid of me! Rawr!

Edward Cullen: Yes, tell her to fear you! Tell her to run.

Bella Swan: *Smacks Edward on the head* Stop it my Adonis-Butterscotch-Cupcake! Go Elena! Go get him, girl!


Salvatore Mansion:

Damon: Stefan. we have a problem! Like Majah Problem here! Uncle Jo-oooh you don't look so good, what's wrong?

Stefan: I got cut off by some guy driving a volvo. And the blood lust!

Damon: Yeah man, you're totally screwed. Well good night.

And then Damon leaves and leaves behind his glass o blood.

Glass of Blood: Oh come on, drink me. You know you want to! Just give in, just do it...

Stefan: Oh shut up!

And then...Stefan drinks!!!!!!


  1. Ah, I love whenever Edward and Bella cut in! Too funny! "Adonis-butterscoth-cupcake." LOL! And YES, SOMETHING is up with that Tyler kid. There has to be a reason why they always show his dad hitting him... there's some underlying subplot that has yet to be revealed!

  2. I'm with Pirate Penguin--Bella/Edward interruptions are EPIC. XD "Stop stealing my lines!"

    *falls over giggling*

  3. I've been missing these (and, sadly, I've been checking every day for updates). I can't wait for the next episode's recap.

    Bella and Edward are totally too much fun in this edition of the recap. I loved the argument between Stefan and Edward about stealing "the move."

    Excellent as always!

  4. May I say it was a mistake to read this while drinking hot tea? :) I haven't laughed so hard in a long time - I've never even seen the show, but I absolutely loved this post. Hilarious!

  5. The Glass of Blood: Eyes Stefan
    Stefan: Eyes the Glass of Blood

    Stefan: STOP! *Flings himself back into the wall*
    The Wall: Oooomph! Oomph I say!
    Edward Cullen: Dude! You stole my move!
    Stefan: I like INVENTED the emo lovelorn vampire, so step back!
    Edward: Grrrrrrrrr! It's not over between us! *Flies through the window*
    Elena: WTF was that?
    Bella: Oh honey, we need to chat.

    Edward Cullen: *Still does not approve* Alcohol is just a goblet of sin! that he's drunk he's his fun self again and quite possibly the vampire that once partied with Bon Jovi in a hot tub of fudge.

    Tyler + Matt's Mom + Potted Tree = amazing

    ... stares at his bloody fingers and thinks...MUST NOT SUCK FINGERS! MUST NOT SUCK FINGERS! And then he totally sucks on his on his fingers.
    Oh Stefan.

    Edward Cullen: I swear to God, Stefan! Stop using my lines.

    *** Ok, so I couldn't even paste everything that made me laugh because this comment is long enough. But thanks for letting the Wall have a cameo!!! hehe. Can't wait for 19 and 20!

  6. I think they might be discussing something about Stefan, but Damon's being so bad and cute at the moment, who really cares. They are SO going to get it on before this season ends.

    Glad I wasn't the only one not focusing on the conversation, lol.

    But the best part of this one for me is Bella telling Elena to "go get 'em, girl!"

    Love it, as always. I'm amazed that you find the time to put these together.

  7. Thank you guys!!! Your comments all make me smile sooooooooo much:)

  8. Way too funny! Better than the actual episode, love it. Still laughing.


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