Stefan drives to school in his nice newly running red vintage car (courtesy of Matt's mad car skillz) wearing sunglasses and a leather jacket, with his hair slicked back. Aside from the happy-boy music blasting from his stereo, he is the picture of sexy-centuries-old-vampire-who-attends-high -chool-perfection. And oh yeah, Stefan goes to high school again. I guess the scene when he re-enrolled was cut because...well who needs to see that twice.
Elena, wearing her matching vampire-jacket approaches.
Elena: So does this mean you're no longer into drinking human blood.
Stefan: Totally! I'm so over that phase. I mean, ew! It's all squirrels and bunnies for me now.
Elena: Hmmm, yeah I probably didn't need to know that.
Stefan: BTW thanks for being the best girlfriend ever! And trust me, I have no desire to bite you or anyone AT ALL. So go ahead and I'll catch up with you.
And Stefan opens his trunk and it is FULL of Blood! Stefan, you liar!
Officer Forbes, Damon and Uncle John pow-wow. More blood is being stolen from hospitals. Yeah! All the blood that's been stolen is in Stefan's trunk! Look there! Look there!
Mystic Falls High: Alaric's History Class
Alaric: Although you're going to need to know about WWII for your SATs, Mayor Lockwood has declared I only teach about the history of Mystic Falls for all the Founders Day events.
Bonnie: YES! I am IN this episode! And I am pissed about it.
Elena: OMG Bonnie! We missed you. Where were you?
Bonnie: Budget cuts. Too many extras.
Stefan: Sup Bonnie
Caroline (Offstage): Crap, Bonnie will you get over yourself? At least you're in this episode!
Bonnie: *dramatic witch sigh* If you'd actually read the script you'd see you are too.
Caroline (Offstage): I am? OMG! I am in this episode. Yay! I hope I get a love scene.
Bonnie: Sorry, Matt's not in this episode. Looks like your flying solo.
Caroline (Offstage): FML
Alaric: Ummmm, can I start class now?
Anna: Yo, so like my mom is really sorry and stuff that our minions kidnapped your brother and tortured him and almost killed him and then turned him into a raving blood-hungry lunatic after his girlfriend forced him to drink her blood. We like, totally didn't mean for any of that to happen.
Anna: Also, all the vampires but me and my mom and Harper left. So we're not stealing blood from the blood bank.
Damon: *stares off to side* OMG all the blood's in Stefan's car!
Outside Mystic Falls High School:
Elena: Bonnie, so like what's up with you?
Bonnie: If you'd gotten cut from 3 episodes for no reason, especially after you acted out this killer crying scene of doom to the soundtrack of a Snow Patrol cover...you'd be pissed too!
Caroline *rushes to Bonnie and hugs her* OMG Bonnie! You were right! I am in this episode, it's awesome and now since we've both been the victim of budget cuts, let's be bffs forever and ignore Elena.
Elena: Um, you can't ignore me. I'm the star of the show.
Caroline: Bonnie and I are going to totally prepare my awesome outfit for the Miss Mystic Falls Pageant.
Elena: The what, what?
Caroline: Ummm you know...that thing... *whistles*
Bonnie: Don't worry, Elena, you're in that scene, you'll wear a dress, and the camera will focus on you the entire time.
Elena: Oh thank goodness.
Caroline: What! Are you sure?
Bonnie: Seriously Caroline, read the script.
Caroline: *pulls out the script* Ugh!
Damon: You're looking mighty happy today.
Damon: It's because your drinking human blood.
Damon: Yes! You are. You spent the last hundred years being totally emo, except for those two nights when you allegedly partied with Bon Jovi and scored a playboy bunny.
Damon: Pssssh! Yeah...right.
Damon: Anyway, my point is, you're anti-emo now because you're drinking human blood.
Stefan: Nope. Not.
Damon: Oh Stefan, you liar!
So than Stefan calls Elena and agrees to be her escort at the pageant and then gets all twitchy because he IS a liar and is desperate for a blood fix and so he starts searching for his blood supply and then heads downstairs and opens up his icebox of blood and Damon is like right behind him because Stefan clearly has no vampire-stealth-skills and now his secret is exposed.
So Stefan is like ok, whatever so I'm a blood drinker, but so are you. And Damon's all like umm yeah, but at least I don't lie about it. At least I don't hide what I am. And Stefan is like whatever dude. And Damon is like, not whatever, you robbed a hospital! That is sick! People need that blood and Stefan is like yo dude, take a chill pill, I'm still totally the good guy and Damon is like you're so not and somewhere in the corner, sitting on a rocking chair stalking is Edward Cullen laughing because he just swallowed a mountain lion.
Founder's Hall: Pageant Prepping
Mrs. Lockwood. Girls tell me all about the stuff you've done that proves why you should be crowned Miss Mystic Falls.
Caroline: I am the president of the Vampire Diaries Extra's Union
Elena: I'm the star of this show.
Caroline: I express a range of emotions within minutes from happy to sad, to scared to bitchy, all without breaking a sweat.
Elena: I'm the star of this show.
Caroline: I'm the blonde, and we all know everyone loves the blonde, plus I havent gotten any airtime in one whole episode and I deserve this, and I'm even on twitter now, and two episodes ago I had to get stuck in the rain and actually touch Vickie's dead body.
Elena: I'm the star of this show?
Mayor Lockwood: Thank you, ladies.
Uncle John: What's up, Damon. You don't call, you don't write.
Damon: I um, hate you?
Uncle John: Anyway, I'm here for some invention that the original Jonathon Gilbert invented and then gave to some woman who turned out to be a vampire whose name was Pearl--ever heard of her?
Damon: Yeah, of course I heard of her, but the fact that you haven't proves to me that you don't know everything like you said you did in episode 18 and that makes you a liar and I don't like liars in this episode, so get out of my mansion or I'll kill you again and keep killing you until you really are dead.
Founders Hall: Miss Mystic Falls Dance Practice
So Mrs. Lockwood is teaching some sort of goofy Jane Austen-like dance where you flirt with your eyes, but not with your hands, and revel in the near-touch, but no actual touching because that would be too scandalous and wrong and Stefan and Elena I have to say are too cute for words right now because well, Stefan is drinking human blood and thus actually kind of fun for a minute and then we get a close up of some girl named Amber who we didn't bother naming in the last scene and suddenly we know now that she is going to become important later in this episode and is also quite possibly the reason behind Matt's budget cut and then Elena and Stefan touch and Mrs. Lockwood is all like no, no, no, this is about near-touching and somewhere in the corner, sitting on a rocking chair and stalking is Edward Cullen thinking, now THIS is dancing.
Caroline: So I've scouted out the competition. And really, the only two people on the court that anyone is even aware of are me and Elena, oh and that Amber girl, whose sole purpose to become a plot point later. So basically, I have a 50/50 chance of winning this thing.
Bonnie: No, it's more like 25/75
Bonnie: Elena's the star of the show.
And then Bonnie is all weird with Elena and Stefan and giving the girl-fight cold shoulder vibe and Elena is like come on, Bonnie, remember I totally called you two episodes ago? And Bonnie is like you're boyfriend is a vampire. I hate him and so I kind of hate you. So just deal.
Mystic Falls High School:
Some dude on the basketball court falls down and scrapes his knee and Stefan goes Crazy and tries to attack Alaric and Alaric is like OMG what IS it with you guys on this show and just FREAKING OUT and Stefan is like chillax, I'm cool, I gotta go and then super dramatic music plays and Alaric looks confused, but we know that deep down inside he's connected the dots and knows that Stefan is turning Eviiiiil.
At the Gilberts:
Alaric shows up to drive Elena and Aunt Jenna to the pagaent and Uncle John is like ummm, I have a car and Aunt Jenna is like, yeah but no one likes you.
Alaric: P.S. Elena, remember in the last episode when I said Stefan was nice, but he was mostly a vampire?
Alaric: I think he's mostly a vampire now.
Miss Mystic Pageant
Damon: Anna, so Uncle John wants some invention that his great great great great great great great great great great great great Uncle John gave to your mom.
Anna: Ok well you didn't accept our apologies for torturing your brother so I'm not going to tell you anything about it.
Damon: Girlfriend, I will totally kill you if you don't help me. Anyway we hate Uncle John. So you kind of have to be on my side.
Uncle John: So Jeremy, I guess you're the only one who will talk to me.
Jeremy: BTW I read our great great great great great Uncle John's journals about vampires.
Uncle John: Interesting. I've read his entire collection.
Jeremy: Oh really? So what do you think? Are vampires real?
And then Anna walks by and gives Jeremy an I-love-you-but-you-only-wanted-to-be-a-vampire-for-another-girl-so-I-hate-you look and he goes off to talk to her and Uncle John gives her the once over is all like, yeah....vampire.
Inside the Pageant Prep area:
Amber: I am FREAKING out.
Elena: Why are you nervous about the pageant?
Amber: No, but if I don't do something everyone at home will forget I'm a plot point.
Elena: Ooh, well, carry on then.
Then Damon shows up and is like, BTW your boyfriend is a liar and he's still drinking blood and Elena gasps dramatically. Also, because he spent too much time repressing his hunger, it's taking over him now. He is officially more dangerous than me. Ironic, huh?
Meanwhile downstairs...or somewhere else in the Founders Hall...
Jeremy: Hey Anna, let's talk.
Anna: No! You tried to use me to become a vampire for some other girl that was not me.
Jeremy: Well you tried to kill me 7 episode ago. So we're square.
Meanwhile back upstairs...or somewhere else in the Founders Hall...
Elena: OMG, I can't believe Stefan is drinking human blood. My life is over, my world is ending.
Stefan: What's going on?
Damon: I told Elena what you're keeping inside your icebox. Your welcome. Bye.
Elena: Stefan, I can't believe you lied to me!
Stefan: Are you really that surprised? I lied to you for the first seven episodes about being 17. This is nothing, Baby-doll-face.
Elena: Did you really just call me, Baby-doll-face? Stefan this is not ok! Human blood is making you all different. Squirrel-blood Stefan would never use a lame nickname on me.
So Stefan goes downstairs and he's in a total vampiric rage and locks himself in the bathroom and then looks at his reflection in the mirror and then ....MirrorSmash! And then Amber walks in on Stefan all vamp-faced out and bleeding and standing over mirror bits.
Amber: Crap! I guess this is where my plot point becomes the plot?
Amber: That'd be a yes! EEK!
Meanwhile at the top of some staircase at the Founder's Hall:
Caroline: Where's Amber?
Elena: The plot point?
Elena: I don't know, probably off having a plot somewhere.
Caroline: OMG Are you serious? She's in one episode and she gets a plot and I'm in like 16 episodes and I don't?
Elena: You got to show cleavage in your dress.
Caroline: *looks down and smiles triumphantly* I did, didn't I.
Elena: But where's Stefan?
Frankie: Come on, Elena, put 2 and 2 together, missing plot point, missing Stefan. I give you, the plot!
Elena: Crap, I need to get out of here.
Caroline: Oh no, no, no! If you leave the scene now, the camera is going to follow you and I look too pretty to be off stage.
Caroline: *sighs* This pagaent meant the world to your dead mother, so hang on for five more minutes and honor her memory or whatever.
Some Pageant Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Caroline Forbes, escorted by her escort, Mr. Not-Matt.
Caroline: *walks down the staircase* Stay on me, Camera, stay on me, look at my dress, look at my smile, look at my hair...
The Camera: Starts filming Mrs. Lockwood
Anna: Watch, Elena is coming down the stairs.
Jeremy: Who cares! She lied to me about everything ever. I'm totally mad at her. Although I'm kind of glad she erased the part of my memory where Vickie tried to hurt me.
Anna: I would never hurt you. Except the first day I met you when your blood smelled so--
Edward Cullen: Appears from behind a rose bush
Anna: I mean...dude, I wouldn't hurt you now. Ok? Stop looking at me Edward Cullen! That wasn't your line.
Edward Cullen: Just making sure...
Outside in the Founders Hall Parking Lot:
Stefan is dragging Amber away.
Amber: Dude, I'm supposed to be in the pageant right now. You're a real genius you know, picking me to kidnap...like no one would notice.
Stefan: No, you're an extra and a girl and pretty. No one is going to look for you. It's guaranteed.
Amber: But I was supposed to be in the pageant.
Stefan: *Vampire Compels her to think she's in the parking lot with him*
Amber: Ok, you're seriously the dumbest vampire ever. You just compelled me to think I'm standing in a parking lot with you. I'm already standing in a parking lot with you. Lamest compulsion ever!
Stefan: Just be quiet. I'm freaking out. I'm drinking the human stuff and I'm not supposed to and now Elena knows and I don't know what I'm doing and ugh!!!
Amber: Any idea how long this plot will last?
Back at the Pageant
Elena is announced and she is to be escorted by Mr. Stefan Salvatore and she heads down the stairs and Stefan is NOT there and this is going to be soooooo embarassing for her except that Damon steps in at the last second and he's looking fiiiine, tonight.
Elena: Shoot! You know I'm kind of in love with you now.
Damon: How do you know?
Elena: You were standing at the bottom of the stairs wearing a suit. So now I love you. That's the rule.
Damon: Says who?
Elena: Titanic. And She's All That.
And then they step outside and they do the Jane Austen dance only this time it's epic and Damon is totally sexing her with his eyes and Within Temptation is playing and SERIOUSLY every scene that involves Damon dancing is FTW.
Ok, I'm officially Team Damon. LOVE!!!!
Meanwhile in the woods....
Stefan is being 110% creepy and going into some overly detailed description of what he wants to do to Amber that is giving me the heebie jeebies and something about an artery that if he bites it just right, he won't make a mess and like seriously, Stefan! You haven't had human in over 100 years. You are SO going to make a mess.
Amber: Ok, so bite me already.
Stefan: No, I can't, this isn't me, I don't do this. I'm the good brother, dammit!
Amber: *rolls eyes* Am I your plot point or what?
Stefan: Oh I just want one taste, just one....VAMP FACE...
Stefan, I hate you!
Back at the Pageant:
Caroline: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OM OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG I WON MISS MYSTIC FALLS! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! This is the greatest moment of my life! And...hey! Camera! Where are you going?
Camera: Cuts to Officer Forbes and Uncle John in the bathroom where Stefan had his epic temper tantrum and kidnapped Amber.
Officer Forbes: Get me Damon!
And in the woods...
Stefan: I can't stop! I LOVE blood.
Amber: Ok, well keep drinking, this is why Kevin Williamson hired me.
Stefan: No, it's wrong, and I can't but your neck looks so tasty. And why aren't you scared of me right now?
Amber: Because you vampire-compelled me to be all cool with the situation.
Stefan: Ok I take it back. Be afraid of me, be very very afraid.
Amber: You know you're not really that scary. I mean, how much hair gel do you use.
Stefan: VAMP FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Amber: OMFG *and Amber runs like hell*
Back at the ball...
Elena and Damon have discovered the struggle in the bathroom. Little do they know Stefan was really just acting out a scene from Meatloaf's epic video "I would do anything for love (but I won't do that) when he smashed the mirror, but irregardless, he is missing and so is Amber and the plot is on and Elena must accept the fact that her vampire boyfriend, is (gasp) actually a vampire.
Also Bonnie follows them to find Stefan
So they run into the woods and Amber who is not too smart runs right back into Stefan who is like oh screw it, I'm still hungry and he vampirizes her and she's screaming and then Elena, Damon and Bonnie show up and Stefan pushes Amber away and ewwwww, Stefan you have blood all over your chin!
Even Elena is grossed out and that's saying something.
Damon: Dude, get it together.
Stefan: *vampire punches Damon into a tree*
Tree: Grumble, grumble, the casting director asked me to stand in for the Wall.
Damon: *gets into vampire fighting stance*
Stefan: *is ready for more vampire fighting*
Bonnie: *Witch-headaches Stefan*
And Stefan snaps out of his blood lust thanks to Bonnie and Elena is still looking totally disgusted and like she's thinking, dude, you totally need a wipey. And Damon is like, ok, let's chat. Everything's all right and Stefan is like NO! It's not ok! It's NOT OKAY! And then he runs into the woods.
Then we cut to Officer Forbes and the rest of the Mystic Falls police force who apparently took 5 hours to notice Amber was missing because it was totally daylight when they dissapeared and now its really really dark outside and come on, what kind of police force are you! Amber was so obviously missing!
Officer Forbes: So none of you girls saw anything? No
Elena: *looks at Bonnie to make sure she won't spill the beans* No...just saw her laying there all bloody and stuff and then we called Damon.
Officer Forbes: Excellent, well you all go back to the party and Damon and I will stay here.
Elena: Bonnie, can we talk about this?
Bonnie: Um, no! Your boyfriend is the reason my grandma died and I had to leave for 4 episodes.
Elena: I thought you only left for 3.
Bonnie: You see! I've been gone so long, I'm losing track! Anyway, here's the deal, your boyfriend is a psychopathic killer who never heard of a napkin. And I can't be your friend if he's around.
Elena: Bonnie, stop. You do realize that this will mean you're not likely to be in the episode next week?
Bonnie: Well, rumor has it neither is Caroline so whatever. I'm cool.
Caroline (Offstage): Are you serious!?!?! Ugh!
Back at the pageant:
Uncle John: Who's that girl talking to Jeremy?
Aunt Jenna: Anna, and her's mom's name is Pearl.
Uncle John: Pearl! Quick, tell me, how many women in the entire world right now are named Pearl?
Aunt Jenna: *googles on her iphone* Oh weird....one....there's only one.
Uncle John has found the source to great great great great great great Uncle John's invention.
Damon: Anna, Pearl...I'm not in the mood. Today was a horrible, terrible, no good very bad day and I think I'm moving to Australia.
Pearl: Well, Anna said you wanted the great great Gilbert's invention and so here it is.
Damon: *pulls the invention out, and it's come circular thing that looks like a pocketwatch or a compass that points to vampires except that it's not and no one has any freaking clue what it is*
Pearl: This is our I'm sorry our minions tortured your brother and tried to kill him and almost killed you and then almost killed Elena, present. Peace?
Damon: yeah, peace, whatever. We're cool.
Man, Pearl was vicious three episodes ago and now she's all soft.
Stefan is taking off his clothes and raging around his room like he is the scum of the earth and thinking Why didn't I pack napkins! Why didn't I think to pack napkins!
Stefan: Elena, you shouldn't be here.
Elena: No, that wasn't you before. You're not like that.
Stefan: Yes it is. I've never wanted to kill someone so bad in my life. I'm a monster, a predator.
Elena: I'm not scared of you.
Edward Cullen: *coughs*
Edward Cullen: I just read your mind and you were totally about to use ANOTHER one of my lines.
Stefan: *punches Edward Cullen over the head*
Edward Cullen: *slumps in his rocking chair unconscious*
Then Stefan gets all super ragey and starts screaming at Elena and calling her an idiot and OH NO HE DIN'T! And then he punches the wall around her.
The Wall: WTF! I thought the tree was standing in for me this episode!
Kevin Williamson: *coughs* Apparently he discovered what happened to his cousin, plotted tree and stormed off the set saying he needed to get back to his roots.
Anyway Stefan is like out of control abusive right now and serious Elena needs to dump his butt because his actions are NOT OKAY.
Elena: Close your eyes.
Stefan: *closes his eyes*
Elena: I love you
Stefan: I love you too!
Elena: *Stabs Stefan with Anti-Damon*
Buffy: Oh now you're stealing my season 2 finale, huh?
Elena: Buffy, I really don't have time for this right now.
Buffy: I'm telling Joss!
Stefan: Do you mind? I'm having an epic slump-fest over here as well as the shock of betrayal.
Buffy: Whatever, I'm going slaying.
Damon: Great, you anti-damoned Stefan, now let's lock him up.
Stefan is imprisoned and Elena sits down to wait until he's not such a vampire again and Damon sits down with her and...sigh... Damon...you rock!
Caroline (offstage): I'd better in the next episode.
Edward Cullen: Oh just shut up.