Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The Ultimate Vampire Diaries Survival Guide

There's a lot of advice out there nowadays for people. Advice on how to study, how to dress, how to eat, how shop. All good stuff to know, but there is some advice out there that I bet you don't have, that I guarantee you will need one day if the unthinkable happens.

Should you ever find yourself one day in an episode of the Vampire Diaries, I have all the tips you'll need to survive, except in a few cases when you might find yourself alone with Damon, in which case, most likely you're totally screwed and even my awesome advice won't save you.

But I will do what I can to help.

Opening Credits:

Oh you poor, poor thing. Found yourself in the opening credits, have you? Unfortunately, there is a 100% chance of something scary happening within the next two minutes, and there's nothing you can do to stop it, but your actor/actress status in this scene will be the key to your survival.

In order to make it to the next scene, you're going to need to ask yourself some questions.

If you answer yes, you can skip ahead to the next section, but if you answer no....stick around for more.

1) Are you a vampire?
If you answered yes, then congratulations. You have a 100% survival success rate and will make it to the next scene. Unfortunately, you are not immune to having someone jump out and the scare the crap out of you. There is also a 25% chance that you will have your vampire brother shove a knife in your stomach or you may be completely locked up and starving to death. But the good news is I can guarantee you'll live.

If you answered no... proceed to question 2.

2) If you're not a vampire...Are you a main character?
If you answered yes, then congratulations. You're going to make it to the next scene. Yay! Unfortunately, it is quite likely you will have the absolute crap scared out of you. Most likely this will occur in a dream sequence. Phew! If you are a main character and you find yourself in the opening credits and you are NOT dreaming, then you may be forced to partake in a cheesy montage scene that ended the previous episode. But luckily for you, it will all be over soon. The important part is you're still alive.

If you answered no...proceed to question 3.

3) If you're not a vampire and you're not a main character...Are you indoors?
If you are not a main character, your chances of survival in these opening credits have decreased dramatically, like by 75%. But there are things you can do to insure you survive.

1-Stay indoors! Do not go outside, especially if it's night time.
2--Do not under any circumstances, invite your dead ex-vampire boyfriend into your house. Stay inside and keep the doors shut! I don't care how cute he looks, no he can't come in!
3--Do NOT go outside. Don't go running, don't take out the trash, don't pass go!

If you answered no...proceed to question 4.

4) If you're not a vampire, not a main character and not indoors...Are you an extra who is outside at night time?
If you answered yes...dude, you are so totally dead. I can't help you. Your only hope of prolonging your life is to get involved in a love scene, preferably in a tent or a car. If your love scene is hot, your death will wait about 30 seconds to come for you, though it will be gruesome. Expect to die in a cliche horror movie/urban legend type of way. If your love scene is not so good, or you're not even kissing anyone--your death will be coming for about 10 seconds.

Exception to the rule: If you are an extra outside at night in the opening credits, but you're a crabby old man--Congratulations you have beat the system! Also you have no further significance in this episode. You can go home now.


Bye bye!

The First Half of the Episode:
Congrats! You've made it to the first half of the episode alive. Woohoo! This means you're either a vampire, a main character or were smart enough to stay in your house. Go you.

Good news! No matter who you are, or what you do, even if you're a pretty extra with questionable morals, you can't die in the first half of the episode. Awesome!

However, you can still get bitten and/or beat up, and this can lead to bad things, like death in the second half of the episode or in the final scene, where all bets are off.

Here are some questions to ask yourself to determine whether or not you will remain unharmed until the second half of the episode.

1) Have you woken up alone?
Yes? Good. Being chaste is the key to surviving any episode of the Vampire Diaries Also staying away from drugs. If your vampire boyfriend comes over early in the morning, it's recommended you end things quickly otherwise you place yourself in danger of getting a little bruised up in the second half of the episode. If you've woken up alone but find you're being haunted by your great great grandwitch, proceed to your grand-witch's house and you will be safe.Also, writing in your diary keeps you safe in this scene too. You may pass to the second half of the episode.

If you answered no....proceed to the next question.

2) If you did not wake up alone, check your neck, were you bitten by Damon the night before?
No? Well then move onto the next scene. You're safe. Also, how did you spend the night with Damon without a bite, you freak!

But if you answered yes...unfortunately waking up next to Damon means you're in for a score of trouble and you have one more question to ask.

3) If you did not wake up alone and you were bitten by Damon, ask yourself if you slept with Damon the night before.

No?  Yikes. Sorry, but waking up with a Damon bite after a night of non-sex with the wiggly eyebrows will lead either to your immediate death, or your turning into a vampire followed by your immediate death. Either way, death is on the way. Sorry.

If you answered yes? Well, you'll probably be a bit worse for the wear, but congratulations, you have made it to the second half of the episode. Sleeping with Damon is the one exception to the no sex rule.

Please note that sleeping with Stefan does not gain you the same level of clemency, in fact sleeping with Stefan will lead to car accidents or possible entombment in a church for over a hundred years.

The Second Half of the Episode:

Bad news. We have left the safe zone of the first half of the episode. Unfortunately now all bets are off for who can get hurt, and who can die and who can be vampirized.

Some questions to ask yourself.

1) Have you consumed any amount of alcohol?
If you answered no, proceed to the final scene of the episode and keep your fingers crossed.

Yes? Proceed to the next question.

2) Have you managed to piss Damon off in any way? Either by liking Stefan better, being near him when he's angry, withholding his sparkly necklace or letting Elena see your bite covered body?
If you can answer no to any of these questions, than congratulations, you have made it to the final scene of the episode.

But if you answered yes, then you're about to get the crap beatn out of you and a MAJOR bite. You may or may not die at this point and that all depends on the answer to the next question.

3) Are you a vampire?
If you answered no, you're safe, move to the end of the episode. Also if your name is Stefan, you're safe, move to the end of the episode.

If you answered yes...sorry, game's over. All vampires outside of Damon who end up on his bad side inevitably die in the second half of the episode. Damon himself will do the honors of staking you most of the time, but if he doesn't, then he will be there to clean up after your death. If you managed to not be near Damon at this point in the episode, then you will still die by the hands of Alaric, AlAric, ALaric, AlarIc unless you can escape before he finishes pronouncing his name. But most likely you won't and're dead.

The Final Scene of the Episode:
If you have made it this far in the episode, congratulations!!! However, unfortunately for you, being in the final scene means ALL bets are off.

There's only two questions for this scene.

1) Have you recently had sex, are you about to have sex, are you drunk, are you about to drink, are you high, are you about to be high, are you considering or thinking about doing any of the above mentioned things?

If you answered no, then wow, go get the hell out of here. You made it, you survived. Now you must pray that you don't end up on another episode. Otherwise wear as many cute dresses as possible, follow the above mentioned rules and pray pray pray that Kevin Williamson renews your contract.

But if you answered have recently had sex, are drunk and/or high....

2) Is Damon nearby? ;)

Hope you all enjoyed! I'm going through some serious Vampire Diaries withdrawal. Can't wait to return to writing the recaps!


  1. Hahaha its almost kind of sad how predictable each episode is, but I love them anyway =D

    One more week to go! YAY!

  2. well, now I do feel like I would never survive an episode. :-)
    SOrt-of like Lily said, I think it's almost funny how predictable every episode is. . . though I love it!

  3. Hehehe this is hilarious. Brilliance, Frankie, brilliance!

  4. Ha! This is so funny. Thanks for making my day!!

  5. Lily, haha I know, but I Love it! Cant waity for more.

    Brizmus, I dont know if Id survive.

    Donna, thank you!!! I love hearing how brilliant I am!

    Mandy, aww thanks for making mine. Glad you enjoyed!

  6. Funny how predictable the show can get. But that might change in the next few episodes. At least we all know not to go on an episode of Vampire Diaries unless we wish to die.

  7. This is hilarious and I can't wait until VD is back on and I can read your recaps again!

  8. Vampire Diaries Fan, but thats part of what makes it soooo good and it lets me write posts like this, hehe.

    Alexa, thanks! ANd I can't wait either!!!!

  9. Such a fun way to spend a snow day! I loved your take on one of my guilty pleasures. Yes, the show is predictable, but I think that makes it fun. Thanks!

  10. This was awesome! My daughter and I are fans of the show so I had her read it with me. We cracked up because it's so true! We're looking forward to the series continuing next week.

    Love your blog!


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