Friday, January 22, 2010

Vampire Diaries, Episode 11: Bloodlines

Last time on the Vampire Diaries...

At Salvatore Mansion:
Stefan's calling Elena, begging, pleading, crying, desperately trying to get her to listen. There is a reason why you look like Katherine so much you could play her if they ever made her life into a movie and there's a reason why I never told you even though she's my ex-lover, and the reason I'm a vampire and oh yeah...we just had sex...

Elena: Crazy Teary Drive Down the Highway!

And then BAM! Elena CARSMASH!

Elena: AAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! My car turned upside down! And OMFG that thing is getting up! What is it? WHAT IS IT? AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Damon: Boo!

Elena: Aaaaah!

Damon: Need AAA?

Then Damon uses his super vampire powers to turn the car over and pick her up as she totally swoons. Because having your car turned upside means you no longer have the use of your leg muscles.

Elena: I look like her, Damon. Why do I look like her? Faints.

Damon: Smiles Kidnapping time!

At Alaric, ALaric, AlAric, AlarIC's House:

Alaric: Staring in the mirror I am Alaric the vampire slayer. I am AlAric the vampire slayer. I am AlarIC the vampire slayer. Sigh. I miss my wife.

Flash back time to...

The Year Alaric's Wife Wasn't Dead:

Alaric's Wife: Peekabo! Can you find me under the covers?

Alaric: Um...yeah...can you come out from under there? I'm trying to forge an image of your face for me to remember forever in case you get vampirized.

In Damon's Car:

Damon: Good morning!

Elena: OMG! I just woke up!

Damon: Observant first thing in the morning, aren't ya.

Elena: No. You don't understand. I always wake up after the credits roll-- in my bed, to happy girl music. I used to write in my diary too. Now I mostly wake up in slinky tank tops. Where are we?

Damon: Kevin Williamson decided to switch things up this week.

Elena: frowns I miss my bed! Where are we?

Damon: Georgia

Elena: What! No.No we’re not! We’re not in Georgia! That's like really far away!

Damon: Look out the windows. Do you see the only restaurant in Mystic Falls?

Elena: No....

Damon: Exactly! Welcome to Georgia.

Elena: But I need to go back home. No one knows where I am. I haven’t checked twitter in 5 hours! We have to go back

Damon: Nope.

Elena: You Kidnapped me!

Damon: Wiggles eyebrows You are such a drama queen!

And then Elena's cell phone rings, from Damon's pocket! And it's Stefan! And Elena won't take the call, because she is NOT speaking to him!

Stefan: Damon, if you touch her, I swear!

Damon: All operators are busy. Have a nice day.

Stefan: Angry vampire phone-throw. Epic clutching of Elena's Anti-Damon Necklace--Which she is conveniently not wearing BTW!

Elena: Fine, Damon. I'm hanging out with you in Georgia. Am I safe with you?


Elena: Well? Am I safe with you?

Damon: My. Name. Is. Damon.

Elena: FML

At Mystic Falls High School:
Stefan finds Bonnie outside.

Stefan: Hey, Bonnie. What's up?

Bonnie: Do you even go to this school?

Stefan: Nope. Just needed to order a witch-spell. Got any in stock?

Bonnie: No can do. I haven’t accepted my witchyness yet.

Stefan: Look, Elena's missing. She was in a car accident and is off somewhere with my psycho-killer brother. I just need you to touch her Anti-Damon necklace to see if she's ok.

Bonnie: Holds the Anti-Damon Necklace I don't feel anything!

Stefan: Are you sure?

Bonnie: All right let me try something. Tell me if anyone's watching.

Bonnie then proceeds to try and levitate things. In broad daylight. In the middle of the campus. In front of the whole school!

Also, she doesn't seem to be the least bit concerned about Elena missing.

Stefan: Um...people can see you.

Bonnie: Shhhh! I'm concentrating!

Stefan: The principle's watching, and so are those girls, that guy...oh and that guy too.

Bonnie: Don't rush the witch!

Stefan: Yeah...and now that teacher's watching and WTF Bonnie! Everyone can see you.

Bonnie: I said shhhhh!

Meanwhile in Georgia:
Elena: So that thing that I ran over with my car....was it vampire?

Damon: I guess.

Elena: Well don't you know him?

Damon: No. It's not like there's a vampire club house or something where we all hang out and get to know each other. Because if there was, I'd totally be president.

At a Bar in Georgia:
Some bar tender leaps over the counter and kisses her honey pie-Damon-Snickerpoo and announces free drinks for EVERYONE in honor of the man who ripped her heart out and dragged it through the dirt.


The Rest of the Bar:....

Bartender: (to Elena) Oh honey! What's he done to you? Roped you? Whipped you?

Elena: Kidnapped me.

Bartender: Damon! You never kidnapped me!

Damon: Didn't need to. You always came willingly.

Bartender: Well you were really good in the sack. Ain't he, Sugar Plum?

Elena: Awkward...

Also, the Bartender is a witch...and should I be concerned that so far every witch on this show has been African American? Or are they all related? Just saying...

Mystics Falls High School:
Jeremy: Ohhhh so this is a library! Wow! It has books in it and stuff. Library-Book-Attack! Ow! And they throw themselves at you!

Girl: OMG I'm sorry, I pulled this book and it pushed back and bumped another and then they twisted and tangled and fell and went Kerplow and Kaboom and Kathunk and...

Jeremy: You stopped making sense like...from before you started speaking, FYI.

Jeremy then helps her pick the mean books up and they bump heads and it's almost too cute. Also her name is Anna and she's homeschooled, but the really smart type who reads lot of books, not the freak kind that they show in the beginning of Mean Girls. Also she totally believes in vampires.

Back in Georgia:
Elena: Finally calls Aunt Jenna to tell her she's alive. So last night, I was totally not sleeping with my undead vampire boyfriend, and then I totally did not crash my car and wake up in Georgia. Nope. Actually I slept at Bonnie's. And I'm at school!

Aunt Jenna: What? Where are you!

Elena:  Um, Aunt Jenna...since when do you act like a parent?

Damon: So Bartender,  you need to get me into Katherine's tomb.

Bartender: Oh honey pie, sweetie bunch, sugar plums, I helped you get into the tomb 20 years ago. I told you the recipe. Dash of comet, sprinkle of crystal and a teaspoon of Emily's spell.

Damon: Yeah well I don't have the crystal. Can't you get me a new spell?

Bartender: Want a shot instead?

Meanwhile Back at Emily's Tomb:
Bonnie has gone to explore in the hopes of reawakening her magic powers.

Bonnie: Come on leaf! Float! Levitate. Magic away! Ugh! I need to unblock whatever it is that's holding me back or Ill never be a witch again and my life is over!

Big Hole in the Ground: Growls

Bonnie: Falls in

Back in Georgia:
Stefan tries to call Elena again, but she's not having it and hangs up the phone and then Damon's behind her wiggling his eyebrows and she's all like " Get away from me, you kidnapped me and don't pretend you care!" And Damon's like but I do care! And inside the Bartender turns on the blender and calls someone to announce Damon's visit and so now we know she's bad!  Or good...because Damon's bad...eitherway...only bad can come of this phone call.

Back in the Hole in the Ground By Katherine's Tomb:

Bonnie: OW! Did I say OW! Because Ow! Walks around Hello!!! Can anybody help me? Crap! If Damon hadn't eaten all of those townies in episode 6...nah....they would have been too stoned to help me anyway.

Back in Georgia:
Elena: BUT why do I look like her? Am I related to her? I am half vampire? That's kind of cool. Do I get super powers?

Damon: Didn't Stefan explain anything to you in episode 7? Vampires can't procreate. Eyebrows wiggle But we love to try! Also what do you have against pickles?

Elena: I need a beer!

Back at the Mystic Falls High School Library:
Anna: Look this is the vampire section of the library.

Jeremy: I didn't even know libraries had those.

Anna: Well you've never been in one before. Anyway look, these are all the books that prove vampires are real.

Jeremy: Vampires aren't real. They're a historical metaphor for the demons of the day--demons attack at night. Its all an allegorical, metaphorical, hidden meaningful, message-full-of-all made up fairy tale.

Anna: Metaphorical? Sounds literal to me. Demons attacking at night are vampires! Hello!

Jeremy: A country at war doesn’t want realism, they want fantasy…they want vampire fiction.

Frankie: Did Jeremy just say something...intelligent?

Country: What?

Every Publisher of Twilight: Oooooooh, that’s why it sells!

Meanwhile back in the tomb:
Bonnie: Cell phones don’t work down here! What do I do? Pentagram on the wall? Must be Emily's doing.

Someone grabs Bonnie and she screams! But it's ok it's just your friendly neighborhood vampire come to jump you out of this hole to safety.

In Georgia:
Elena: Round of shots for everyone! WOOT! Ew, Damon, you need a bib!

Damon: You should see me drink blood.

Random Bar Customer: How come you're not on the floor passed out?

Elena: Because my tolerance is through the roof!  Then she jumps up and down to show just how high that roof is. not very high.

Meanwhile a foreboding looking man walks into the bar, makes eyes at the Bartender, who nods at Damon and Elena and then he looks at them too in the least obvious set up ever, thank you very much, Kevin Williamson.

Meanwhile at the Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls:
Anna: Vampires are real! Why don't you believe me?

Jeremy: They're not…Ive seen the Lost Boys, and Interview with the Vampire and Twilight and this tv show that comes on…like…on Thursdays around 8….can’t remember what it’s called…something about know?

Anna: Homeschooled kids don't watch tv.

Jeremy: Whatever. Anyway you know what all of those things have in common? They're movies. And movies are about things that aren't real.

Anna: Want to come over and cuddle?

Jeremy: I uh...don't think so?

Anna: Oknevermindbye!

Back in Georgia:
Elena stumbles outside ALONE...DRUNK...and FALLS! Elena don't you know anything! Read the Survival Guide! You're totally going to get attacked by a...


Inside the bar...
The Bartender, because she's a moron, tips Damon off that Elena is missing. SO he goes outside to find her.

Damon: Oh no! Elena's cell phone. Ugh. Do I have to play the good guy now? FML.

Elena: Damon. NO! It’s a trap!

And then the other vampire jumps out and starts beating the crap out of Damon with a stick and pours oil all over him because his girlfriend went to visit Stefan and Damon killed her! WHY! WHY! OMG his girlfriend was Lexi! Aww that's too bad. And then Elena convinces the vampire to be a better person than Damon and please don't kill him because he's my ride home from Georgia, Ok?

Lexi's Vampire Boyfriend: Fine! Damon-Vampire-Throw

The Wall: Why do vampires always throw things at me?

Mystic Falls:
Stefan brings Bonnie home and apparently knew her grandwitch when she was a teenager in the 60s! Her name is Shiela! And Stefan took a big risk coming there, but its ok bc I sense 40 years worth of sexual tension brewing and the grandwitch's family always kept the vampires' secrets.

Back in Georgia:
The Bartender: I'm totally full of vervain Honey-pie Snookums. I add it to everything I drink!

Damon: YOU. ARE. DEAD.

Bartender: You jerk! Lexi was my friend!

Damon: Growls

Bartender: No...please don't hurt me. I know how you can get into the tomb...Emily's Grimoire...I...

Damon: Remember how you said I ripped your heart out and threw it on the floor.

Bartender: It was a figure of speech! I was being dramatic:

Damon: Rip!

Bartender's Heart: Is on the floor

Bartender: Is dead.

In the Car on the Way Home From Georgia:
Elena: I can't believe we went to Georgia and all I got was this stupid t-shirt that says, I drank at the only bar in Georgia

Damon: You loved it! Also I kind of like you.

Elena: Like me? Or like like me?

Damon: What are you 5?

At Salvatore Mansion:
Elena: Is in Stefan's Doorway!

Stefan: My love! My life! My heart!

Elena: Why do I look like her, Stefan? Are you trying to replace her with me? Am I your Katherine stand-in?

Stefan: No. You're nothing like Katherine, you're the opposite of Katherine. She was a real B. I. T. C. H. and you're not.

Elena: When did you figure that out? Before or after we did the sex?

Stefan: I knew before I met you.


Stefan: See...I was there the day your parents died. I rushed to the car...sinking into the water and your dad was conscious and I tried to help him but he wouldn't let me until I helped you. So I saved your life and then I went back for your parents but they were totally dead and drowned by that point, which you know...I guess I should have realized would happen because people can't usually breathe under water.

Elena: OMG

Stefan: Anyway, afterwards I stayed around and totally watched you and watched you sleep and realized that you weren't like Katherine at all.

Elena: Because that's not creepy at all. But WHY DO I LOOK LIKE HER!!!

Audience: Yeah! Tell her Stefan because we're tired of hearing her ask!

Stefan: Will you butt out of this, I'm trying to have a moment with the woman I love.

Kevin Williamson: Actually's in the script...

Stefan: Oh! reason you look like Katherine is because....Katherine is your great great great great great great great Aunt! You were adopted!

Elena: O.M.G.

At Elena's:
Aunt Jenna: Where were you? I thought we were close! I thought we were BFFs! Why would you lie to me?

Elena: Oh yeah BFF? Tell me this! Was I adopted?

Aunt Jenna: parents made me promise not to tell you!

Elena: We are NOT BFFs anymore!

Meanwhile at the Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls:
Alaric drinks at the bar...a few stools away from Damon and....flashback to the year Alaric's Wife Was was DAMON!


  1. Oh, Frankie, how I missed these. And it's SO STUPID that Elena doesn't tell Stefan where she is when she's totally vulnerable to being complusion-ed or vampirized or... dead. But I guess that woulda killed the Damon and Elena Road Trip Extravaganza. Which I enjoyed.

    My faves:
    Damon: Look out the windows. Do you see the only restaurant in Mystic Falls?

    Girl: OMG I'm sorry, I pulled this book and it pushed back and bumped another and then they twisted and tangled and fell and went Kerplow and Kaboom and Kathunk and...

    ***(though Anna's totally cute)

    Big Hole in the Ground: Growls

    Anna: Homeschooled kids don't watch tv.

    The Wall: Why do vampires always throw things at me?

    And PS, I think KW hit his like monthly quota for life-changing revelations in the last five minutes of the episode. I was waiting for: "And Jeremy's an alien!" Also, I miss Caroline!

  2. OMG--laughing my butt off. Do have a good memory or do you take notes--geez that was near perfect. This was probably the first time I really thought some stuff seeemed stupid (like the whole road trip thing). But damnit, I am so team stephan that when he tells her loves her at the end... oh le sigh :D

  3. Donna, hehehe Im glad. And I just tell Stefan where you are already! Nice faves:-) And seriously the end was like OMG...OMG...OMG R U SERIOUS!

    Christina, yeah I type the whole time the show is on and then I go back and edit it afterwards. Glad you enjoyed:-) I love Stefan too!

  4. I have to say that I look forward to these as much as I do the show in general. Once again, you've done a brilliant job of capturing the essence of the show (as well as poke fun at some of the more awkward moments).

    Thanks for taking the time to do this again!

  5. Yay for your recaps and Vampire Diaries being back on! There was a total overload of information at the end there hey (in a good way tho of course)? I can't wait for the next one!!

  6. Whoohoo! Brian has asked me since Thursday night to check this to see if you posted a parody yet..He will be pleased! My favorite...The only restaurant in Mystic Falls. Too funny and SO true. I never thought about it!!!

  7. I love your recaps! I was kind of excited to see a little start-of-heat between Elena and Damon because Stefan is a geek. I hope they go in the Elena-actually-tries-to-date-Damon-and-hopes-to-change-him direction. How awesome would that be? Every time they kiss they could rapidly show an extreme close up shot of Caroline tearing up.

    I will run out and watch episode 12 JUST to read your recap! I'm a little behind.

  8. DKB, awww thanks! That makes my day!

    Lily, OMG I know, the ending was like And then!! And then!!!!! And then!!!!! WHEW! Intense.

    Kelly, hahaha yeah, its the only there! Im sure of it.

    Mandy, you are totally awesome! Thank you! And yeah I cant wait for some Damon-Elena action, it's going to be very interesting....and hot!

  9. Arghh im so glad your back i missed your parody'! just watched this ep today and omg damon totally got his ass beat i love the guy but he had it coming, tut tut i wanna read the others so bad but i gota watch it *sighs* keep it up girl! :)


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