Elena and Stefan are hanging out in his room which kind of breaks all the rules for opening credits. Someone has to have the crap scared out of them and if it’s Stefan then another vampire will be in the scene. But if it’s Elena, we’re going to need a dream sequence to start. And so far…I sense neither…
Elena: Who was that masked man? He tried to kill me. I mean, I totally ran him over with my car and splattered him. But really! He got back up and everything. All I know was he was wearing a black hoodie.
Stefan: Black hoodies are always a bad sign. Here. Opens up a treasure chest.
Elena: Oooh. What’s this?
Stefan: It’s my latest collection, should be in catalogs this spring. I’ve got Anti-Damon necklaces, Anti-Damon earrings, Anti-Damon rings, and here’s some Anti-Damon underwear.
Elena: Sexy! For me?
Stefan: Oh, woops, forget the underwear. Anti-Damon key chain. Wear everything you can and what doesn’t fit on your fingers and wrists…I guess you can give to Aunt Jenna and your friends.
Jeremy opens the door for pizza delivery and totally doesn’t have the money to pay for it.
Jeremy: Damn…when I was dealing I always had cash…ELENA! Pay the pizza guy.
Elena: Is not there
So Jeremy totally invites the guy in OMG! Doesn’t he know not to invite strangers into his house?!!!???! Elena how could you let him open the door! It’s totally the black hoodie guy!
Is this where we get the scare?
Elena: Yay! Pizza. Here keep the change.
Then the pizza guy black hoodie vampire leaves. The door closes and….he pulls up his hoodie! OMG!
At Salvatore Mansion:
Damon’s throwing books on the floor.
Stefan: Last time I checked, you have to read the books to learn what’s inside them.
Damon: Yeah, yeah what do you want? I’m busy.
Stefan: You’re just bitter because I get to look longingly into the eyes of the woman I love.
Damon: We totally bonded in Georgia you know.
Stefan: We totally had sex two episodes ago.
Damon: Touche. Now go to school!
At Mystic Falls High:
Alaric is handing back papers and OMG Jeremy got an A!
Jeremy: Whoa…what is that? There’s like this line and then this other line and then another one in between.
Alaric: It’s called doing your homework instead of getting stoned all day, you got an A. Also, you don’t actually believe all that stuff you wrote about vampires do you?
Jeremy: Nah, although in my great great great great great Gilbert’s diary it said they were totally real.
Alaric: Really? Could I…um…could I see his journal.
Jeremy: It’s really old and weird and stuff
Alaric: It’s history teacher porn!
Jeremy: Whoa! Okay…here ya go.
Elena and Caroline walking around outside…
Caroline: Elena, I know you totally missed me in the last episode. I mean, I missed me too and it feels like we’ve been away for a really long time even though no time seems to have actually passed, but really, even though I am your bestest friend in the whole world, no need to give me a lesbian necklace.
Elena: Your welcome?
Caroline: So anyway I guess you totally heard all about me and Matt. I mean finally I have a half decent storyline, except that like things are totally weird between us because we peaked as friends because he’s totally not over you.
Elena: Who’s Matt?
At the Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls:
Matt is totally applying for a job as a bus boy and talking to some guy who works there…named Ben? Is he…he the hoodie guy? And Elena and Bonnie are hanging out on the couch.
Bonnie: I can’t believe I never saw you were adopted
Elena: Yeah, you’re kind of failing at that whole teen witch thing lately. Anyway, I’m going shopping. Bye.
Damon: Bonnie, You know…I think we need to start over. We sort of hit a rough spot when I tried to kill you.
Bonnie: Get away from me!
Damon: Oh come on now. I totally didn’t kill you. That counts for something.
Bonnie: Just watch it. Because I make fires in my head when people piss me off and I think that fire might kill you.
Ben: Hi Bonnie. You’re so pretty and I totally always remembered you even though I’m totally older and out of high school and that’s not weird at all, right?
Meanwhile Elena has gone outside of the only restaurant in Mystic Falls. Alone. In the Dark! Elena what is wrong with you!
Elena’s Cell Phone: Rings
Black Hoodie: Do you like scary movies?
Elena: Oh crap!
Elena: I don’t understand? Why me? Why is it always about me?
Stefan: You’re like the main character of this show.
Elena: But why call me? Why not just kill me?
Stefan: Because the show would be over. Anyway take this.
Elena: OMG! Jeremy’s pocket watch from episode 4! How did you get it?
Stefan: Damon, who got it from Caroline, who got it from Bonnie, who got it from Matt, who handed it to Alaric who passed it to Jenna who left it on the table and then it was picked up by…
Elena: Ok. I get the point.
Stefan: Also, it’s not a watch. It’s a compass. It points to vampires.
The Compass: Points to Stefan.
Stefan: Take it. It matches your Anti-Damon Spring Collection.
At Mystic Falls High School:
Matt and Caroline are totally flirting with each other while they paint a sign for the sock hop. Although there seems to be more paint on them than the sign.
Caroline: Isn’t it great when we have screen time together?
Matt: Yeah, although I get more screen time when I’m pining for Elena.
Caroline: Yeah but if we color coordinate at the dance, the camera will totally notice.
Matt: Whoa. We’re not even a “we.” Plus I have to work.
Caroline: Since when are you a bus boy?
Caroline: Oh no. I didn’t mean it like that. I mean I did. But…oh crap. Our scene’s over.
At the Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls:
Anna: How did your paper go? Did he believe the vampires?
Jeremy: Nah and I don’t believe it. But I got an A.
Anna: So do you want to get married now? Or like next year? Or the year after that? Or the year after that?
Jeremy: Prays he never sounded this pathetic when he was pining over Vickie.
At the Gilbert’s:
So Elena is sort of on speaking terms with Aunt Jenna now but only if Aunt Jenna agrees to tell her the truth about being adopted and OMG she never thought she’d have to tell her because her parents said they would but they died before they could do that and she didn’t mean to lie and ok so your mom was some 16 year old girl off the streets that stumbled into your dad’s office and totally had you all over his floor and then he cleaned it up and she disappeared and one birth certificate alteration later, there you go!!
Elena: But what was her name?
Stefan: Here’s dad’s journal. I know you were looking for it. Although it won’t help you at all with your Diabolical Plans: The Sequel. Bahahahaha!
Damon: What are you up to?
Stefan: I want to help you.
Damon: Why should I trust you?
Stefan: Because I’m not a liar. You are.
Damon: Me, I'm dishonest, and you can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest. Honestly, it's the honest ones you want to watch out for, 'cause you can never predict if they're going to do something incredibly stupid.
Stefan: Please stop quoting Johhny Depp.
Meanwhile at the Gilberts:
Elena totally left her vampire compass on the bed so she could finish bump it-ing her hair.
Elena: Hmmm. Am I fifties fabulous? Or too Jersey Shore Snookie?
The Compass: Is Twitching!!!!
Elena: OMG!!!!! VAMPIRE!!! Calls Stefan.
Damon: Stefan’s phone. How may I help you?
Elena: Where’s Stefan, Damon! OMG! My compass is moving.
Damon: Relax, he’s practically at your house. Left his cell phone at home.
Elena: Oh ok. Man, Stefan is really going to make reading this compass difficult.
And the Black Hoodie vampire attacks from the ceiling!
Black Hoodie: Is gone
Stefan: How did he get in here?
Elena: He delivered a pizza.
Damon: What did he want?
Elena: Him trying to kill me kind of put a damper on our conversation.
Stefan: Great. So some random psycho vampire in a black hoodie wants to kill my lady love and can get into her house. What do we do?
Damon: Threesome at the sock hop?
At the Sock Hop:
Damon, Stefan and Elena show up together, looking totally weird and Alaric is totally giving Damon the stink eye thinking “you killed my love!”
Caroline: So what is this, a threesome?
Elena: No! Damon wanted to come and he’s Stefan’s brother. I have to learn to put up with him if Stefan and I are going to last. It’s like my Uncle Albert. You know the weird guy who always gets drunk at reunions and asks if I want to see his fluffy muffin.
Bonnie: You don’t have an Uncle Albert.
Elena: That would explain a lot.
Damon: Hi Bonnie! Want to dance?
Bonnie: No, you vampire!
Damon: Aw, come on.
Caroline: Jeez Damon! The camera’s finally on me and even I don’t want to be in this scene.
Stefan: What did you say to them?
Damon: Nothing! I was the epitome of charming, debonair and dashing. Elena, let’s daaaaaaaaaaaannnnce.
Elena: Only if your name is Stefan!
OMG Black Hoodie Vamp is totally at the dance!
Black Hoodie Vampire: Muahahaha. There’s no way my black hoodie will stand out in this sea of fifties letter jackets and popped collars.
Elena: I don’t get it. If there’s another vampire nearby, shouldn’t you able to sense them or something?
Stefan: What like Buffy cramps? I’m a guy!
Elena: No. I mean Twilight vampires can always recognize other Twilight vampires.
Stefan: Anyone with a pulse can recognize a Twilight vampire.
Elena: Not the people who live in Forks!
By the Punch Table:
Anna: OMG hi, Jeremy! I know you totally didn’t invite me to the dance and you also haven’t returned my last 5 phone calls or said a thing about the dancing leprechaun singing telegram I sent to your door, but I’m here!!
Jeremy: You’re doing that thing again, pretending we’re dating when we’re not.
Anna: You think I’m stalking you? I just wanted to go to a dance. The only dances home school kids go to are with their Uncle Albert and…
Jeremy: Don't finish that sentence
At the Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls:
Caroline and Bonnie have shown up to both drool over their respective bus-boy/jock crushes. Until Caroline refers to Ben as a washed up loser-face jock and then Matt hears and he is NOT happy.
Caroline: Stop eye-sexing Ben and just go talk to him.
Bonnie: Fine! I’m a witch. I can talk to boys.
Bonnie walks over to the bar.
Bonnie: Hi…um I…
Ben: Love you?
Meanwhile Matt tells Caroline that it’ll never work between them because he already imagined taking things to the next level with her in his mind and it didn’t work out because he still loves Elena and he doesn’t want to mess up what they have even though they kind of don’t have anything at all she called him a washed up jock bus boy even though she didn’t and Caroline is just like WTF Matt!
Back at the Dance…
Alaric sneaks over to say hi to Damon-his wife’s killer-and Damon explains all about his being Stefan’s big brother and guardian and sorry he’s missed your class so many times, we’re having family issues and btw did you hear that the last history teacher was killed. Yeah dude, I wouldn’t want your job. And Alaric, Damon is totally suspicious of you!
Anna: I need to see your great Gilbert’s journal!
Jeremy: You can’t. I gave it to my history teacher
Anna; WHAT! Why did you give it to him! Are you crazy! You can’t just…aaaah my eye! And OMG! Anna is a vampire!
Stefan: I cannot believe I just had to dance to all of these lame songs with you all night and there is no sign at all of the Black Hoodie.
Elena: You loved it! Now picture me in poodle skirt and teach me the hand jive!
Stefan: Throws Elena all over the room and catches her proving he did stay awake in the fifties and then he’s done. No more dancing! Dude, I don't care what Lexi, says. You never partied with Bon Jovi!
In the hallways…
Anna is on the move, looking for the journal and sees… Black Hoodie!
Anna: Black hoodie! What are you doing here? Can you leave that girl alone? Stick the plan.
Black Hoodie: She looks like Katherine.
Anna: You just said that in like a totally creepy way, even for a vampire.
Black Hoodie: She looks like Katherine.
Anna: You’re hopeless.
In Which We Hear The Song “My Boyfriend’s Back”…
Elena sees the Black Hoodie!
Elena: Stefan! Hoodie! Get!
Stefan: Stay here! I’m totally leaving you alone. By yourself. With a psycho killer on the loose. But it will be ok!
Stefan then chases Black Hoodie down the hallway and slams him against the wall…and he’s just some guy who for some reason thought it was a good idea to accept and wear black hoodies from strangers. Doh!
Then the Real Black Hoodie calls Elena and now he’s hoodie-less and standing right by Jeremy and calls Elena and tells her to go into the hall or her brother dies!
She runs down the hall! Where is Stefan? She runs some more! Where is Damon? Why was their big plan so made of fail? And now Elena is locked up in a room with No Black Hoodie and he throws her over a table and then Bam!
Elena totally stabs him with a pencil and then she does it again through his hand and then in a momentary mind swap between Kevin Williamson and Joss Whedon…
Elena: I am
Random Mop: Ow! Don’t snap me in half! Ow! I’m splintered!
No Black Hoodie: Tries to vampirize Elena and fails because Stefan and Damon to the rescue!
Damon: What do you want with Elena!
No Black Hoodie: She looks like Katherine
Stefan: You knew Katherine?
No Black Hoodie: What you thought you were the only ones?
Damon: Who else is working with you?
No Black Hoodie: No one!
Damon: How do I get into the tomb!
No Black Hoodie: Emily’s Grimoire!
And then they kill him! With the mop!
Elena: Why did you do that? How will we find out who he’s working with?
Stefan: You invited him into your house. Hello! He had to die.
Anna sees from the hallway and then runs off and Alaric walks by
Damon: Who are you and Why are you here and Do you know who I am?
Alaric: I’m Alaric, AlarIc, AlAric. I’m here to be a teacher. Your Stefan’s older brother.
Alaric: Was not compelled! He has Anti-Damon plants in his hand.
Ok I need to interject here! Anna! If you’re a vampire, can’t you use compulsion? Why are you totally failing at convincing Jeremy to love you? I never saw him wear the Anti-Damon and also, you didn’t even try! You are acting lame for a vamp. Just saying…
Damon and Stefan in the hallway
Damon: Are you sure you don’t want to try out for The Amazing Race? We’re pretty good together.
Stefan: Never mention that again and I’ll help you get Katherine out of the tomb and then you leave with her and all the other vampires are dead! Got it?
Aunt Jenna: Sorry I talked about your wife all night.
Alaric: Yeah…it’s kind of hard to date when my dead murdered vampirized wife is the main topic of conversation.
Aunt Jenna: Was this a date?
Alaric: No. But when I pick you up on Friday it will be!
Aunt Jenna: Oh Good we can talk about your wife some more.
Alaric: Um…do you even know how to date.
Aunt Jenna: What was her name? Was she prettier than me?
Alaric: Her name was Isabel!
Aunt Jenna: OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aunt Jenna: Quick! You're a history teacher. Tell me the baby naming stats for the year she was born! How many girls were named Isabel?
Alaric: Ah, that year. Strange year that one. There was only one. One. Only one Isabel that year.
AAAAAhhh!!! Alaric’s dead wife is Elena’s Mother! And...Damon killed Elena's birth mother! Oooh this is going to be good!
On the Streets of Mystic Falls:
Matt follows Caroline home andjumps out of his truck and kisses Caroline on the street even though things will totally not work between them and the fifties were so not her decade please change her hair. Although this scene is really cute and kind of looks like it stepped right out of The Notebook.
Outside the Only Restaurant In Mystic Falls:
Ben is leaving! Alone! Ben!!!! Don’t you know anything. You’re going to get vampirized! It’s the last minute of the show and you’re practically an extra.
And there’s Anna…
Oh Ben! She’s going to vampirize you and then you can’t go on a date with Bonnie and…
Ben: In full vamp face Wheres Black Hoodie?
Anna: He’s now the Vampire Formerly Known As Black Hoodie. The Salvatores killed him, tortured him with a mop. But don’t worry! We’ll get that journal.
And then they kiss and stalk off with their evil plans into the night…