An extra is hiking in the woods! An extra! Oh dude, you know the rules…and…yep, here comes the vampire. It’s Harper, one of the vamps who escaped the tomb and…oh the extra hiking needs to stop talking to him and run! NOW! But Harper seems so sweet and lost…and sooooooo not from 2010 and then…the hiker is vampirized and Harper has a brand spanking new wardrobe, except….what is this mysterious ringing device? Cell Phone Throw!
At the Gilbert’s
Elena is sitting outside on her cell.
Elena: Bonnie? Bonnie, listen I know your grandma just died and that’s totally sad and all, but um, why aren’t you in this episode? Did your contract run out? Did you piss off the Kevin Williamson? Are you pregnant? Do me a favor and stop the grieving and get back here right now missy, because if you’re not here you know what that means!?!
Bonnie: (Cannot speak because she’s not in this episode)
Elena: I’m going to have extra scenes with Caroline! UGH!
Aunt Jenna: Why are you outside? It’s cold?
Elena: We’re on a tv set, they control the temperature.
Aunt Jenna: Oh right.
Elena: Have you discovered anymore information about my birth mother?
Aunt Jenna: Actually, yes! But let’s go inside. I don’t care if we’re on set. I’m cold.
Aunt Jenna: So I found this journal entry in your dad’s medical records and blah blah blah, went on Bing.com and BAM! There’s your mom!
Google Search: Is pissed!
Bing.com: Suck it google!
Elena: OMG my mom was a cheerleader, just like me for one episode!
Aunt Jenna: So here’s the address for her bff Trudy. But there’s something you need to know. Mr. Salzman’s wife was from around here and her name was also Isabel.
Aunt Jenna: She was born In The Year When Only One Isabel Was Born. The year your mother was born.
Aunt Jenna: And she’s dead.
Stefan comes over and Elena fills him on what she’s learned only to discover Stefan already knew most of these things because Alaric told him the night he tried to stake Stefan.
Elena: So my mom might really be dead. Again.
Stefan: No, I don’t think so. It’s too much of a coincidence. I can’t believe there was an entire year where only Isabel was born.
Elena: This is a tv show, multiple characters sharing the same name only happen for one reason. Remember when I found your name at the founder’s ball?
Stefan: Touche. Ok. Well if you go see your dead birth mother’s bff, I’ll come too. But first, I need to see Damon.
Salvatore Mansion: Tri Delt Vampire Orgy
Damon is totally dancing around with rock music and low lighting with a bunch of have naked girls sporting bite marks everywhere as he bites another.
Damon: I LOVE buffets!
Stefan: Turns on the lights and shuts off the music.
Damon: I hate you.
Stefan: Let’s talk.
The Tri Delts lounge half-nakedly on the couch.
Stefan: Do you remember killing a girl at Duke a few years ago named Isabel?
Damon: No. Now can I go back to celebrating?
Stefan: Just try and focus even though you’re totally drunk and wasted and high from tri-delt blood. What happened to Isabel, this totally random girl you killed an unknown number of years ago in between killing hundreds of unknown girls in just as many unknown years? What?
At La Casa De Matt
Caroline and Matt are cuddling and watching sports on tv.
Caroline: Matt, seriously! I have the supporting best friend role all to myself this episode without Bonnie and I’m not going to get more scenes by sitting here like this. We need to do something different…
Matt: But it’s the play offs.
Caroline: ARE. YOU. SERIOUS. We’re talking about my career! And yours!
Caroline: Do I have to spell it out for you? Let’s have sex.
Make out scene between minor characters: commences
Shirts: Come off
Super Romantic Love Scene Music: Is reserved for the characters we actually care about.
Matt’s Mom: Is here! And she does not approve of the sex on her couch.
Pillow: Why do guys always use me to cover their you knows? So embarrassing. I need a better agent.
In the Town of Mystic Falls
Aunt Jenna and Alaric are putting up a sign for some kind of male bachelor raffle auction bidding war thing. And of course Alaric is for sale. And tormented about this. But then…he leans and ZOMG! Aunt Jenna-Alaric-Kiss!
And Aunt Jenna! I’m going to smack you! When the guy you’re crushing on finally kisses you, you DO NOT STOP KISSING HIM to bring up his dead wife! You hear me! NO! But she does…and shows him the picture and just as we suspected…Alaric’s wife Isabel, is Elena’s birth mother Isabel! And Alaric needs to go. Right now!
Outside Trudy Peterson’s House: AKA Isabel’s bff’s house
Elena: Hi, I’m your possibly dead, possibly vampirized bff’s abandoned daughter.
Trudy then invites Elena to have tea with her, without actually inviting her in and then she watches her feet go over the threshold suspiciously and so we KNOW she knows about vampires.
Elena and Trudy then have tea and have awkward conversation about Elena’s unknown father and how Isabel went to Duke and then Trudy checks on the tea and pulls out her cell phone to text someone: She’s here!
OMG OMG OMG! Don’t trust Trudy, Elena! Get out of the house. Abort! Abort!
At La Casa de Matt
Matt: Wow, so they finally cast my mom on the show. Never thought it would happen.
Matt’s Mom: Yeah whatever. So ewww Caroline is gross, why are you dating her? Also pour me a drink! And hey remember Vickie?
Matt: Yeah…I haven’t heard from her *tear* She might never come home.
Matt’s Mom: Who cares. Pour the vodka! Faster, faster!
In the Town of Mystic Falls
Stefan and Alaric meet for a secret rendezvous and discuss the fact that Elena is in fact the daughter of Isabel, Alaric’s wife, born in the year that only ONE Isabel was born. And maybe…Isabel isn’t dead…maybe she’s a vampire…and can you please get confirmation from Damon? No? Try harder!
Frankie: Um guys, we know all this already can we move the scene along?
Stefan: Yeah, but I didn’t know he knew that I knew what he knew about what I knew…
Frankie: Stefan, really? Come on.
Alaric: Will a flashback satisfy you?
Flashback to: The Year Isabel was Alive!
Isabel does research on her laptop while Alaric tries to sleep.
Alaric: Its nighttime, sleep!
Isabel: I like being awake at night.
Alaric: Come to bed.
Isabel: Shhhh. I’m foreshadowing my future turning into a vampire, which by the way, they’re totally real and they all live in Mystic Falls, Virginia….in case you ever need to go there for any reason.
Alaric: Ok baby, whatever you say…
Back at Trudy’s House:
Trudy: Drink your tea, dear.
OMG Elena, don’t drink it. Abort! Abort!
Elena: Drinks her tea and…OMG Trudy Anti-Damoned her tea! You know about vampires!
Trudy: Get out!
Elena: Wait, why? What does this mean? What aren’t you telling me?
Trudy: Out! My House! Out! Leave! Now!
Elena goes to her car and there is a creepy man standing there watching her!
At the Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls
Damon and Alaric drown their sorrows over whisky and Alaric gives Damon a strange look that makes Damon suspicious of you Alaric!
Then Officer Kyle XYs Caroline’s Mom shows up
Officer Forbes: I need a favor. We need another eligible bachelor to get raffled off for our fundraiser and you’re single and a catch and can you do it?
Damon: Get me the low down on Alaric Salzman and we have a deal.
Officer Forbes: Done.
Back at Trudy’s:
The creepy guy’s at the door!
Creepy Guy: Thanks for the text.
Trudy: You’re welcome. I didn’t tell her anything, but she was suspicious. So I’m done now?
Creepy Guy: Tries to go inside.
Trudy: You can’t come in! I’m not inviting you in!
Guy at the door: I’m not a vampire!
And then he comes in! And like some dumb big breasted blonde, she runs up the stairs when she should be running out the front door and then he un-vampire-throws her down the stairs and Trudy…thanks for appearing on the show. Your contract is now up.
At Salvatore Mansion
Elena comes in looking for Stefan and hallelujah! Damon isn’t wearing a shirt!
Damon: Look at me, I’m not wearing a shirt!
Elena: Yeah, so how are you doing? Are you sad?
Damon: I’m not wearing a shirt! I’m sexy! *wiggles eyebrows* Also…I’m drunk and this shirt I want to wear has all these buttons…
Elena: Let me dress you. And oooh. I discovered my birth mother.
Damon: Ew, who cares.
Elena: I do!
Then Damon gives her a look, and Elena gives him a look, and then Damon leans in, and then Elena leans in and then…Stefan is here everybody! Damon leaves, unbuttoning his shirt and totally knows he made Stefan jealous…
Elena: So I went to see Trudy today and she all tried to Anti-Damon me. What was that about?
Stefan: Isabel was killed by a vampire. And she might be one. But don’t say anything to Alaric about it. He’s sensitive.
Elena: Sometimes I hate my life.
The Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls: Bachelor Sale!
Aunt Jenna: So sorry I kind of ruined our kiss earlier by dropping the news on you that your late wife had a love child you never knew about.
Alaric: Yeah, that kind of sucked.
Aunt Jenna: So do you want to Elena, tell her all about her mom, what she was like?
Aunt Jenna: Ok…do you want to kiss me again? I won’t mention your dead wife this time.
Back at Salvatore Mansion:
Stefan tries again to find out what happened to Isabel from North Carolina from Damon and Damon is suspicious and not saying anything.
Back at the Bachelor Sale:
Matt’s Mom: OMG ELENA! I love you! You’re the best!
Elena: It’s nice to see you again…or for the first time.
Caroline: Hi Matt’s mom!
Matt’s Mom: Shut up rebound girl! I don’t get extra screen time for liking you, now give me some tickets. I need to win a bachelor tonight who is good in the you know what and has a you know that is the size of a you know what.
Caroline: She insulted ME! Where’s my close up?
Meanwhile Damon is getting his flirt on with Mayor Lockwood’s wife and then Officer Forbes shows up.
Officer Forbes: Alaric’s wife Isabel went missing a few years ago in North Carolina.
Damon: North Carolina…huh….
Oh crap, Alaric! Damon is onto you!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then Mrs. Lockwood interviews the bachelors and Alaric is all shy and quiet and unsettled because he’s standing next to Damon and then Damon is up…
Damon: I love to travel. Especially to North Carolina, and I was there a few years ago, Alaric, did you know that? I had a drink with your wife at the Duke campus. She was um….delicious!
Elena needs air! She runs outside and Stefan follows her and then she goes back in because the creepy guy is there again watching her!
Back inside The Only Restaurant: Bachelor Sale
Elena: Damon! You jerkface! How could you do that to Alaric?
Elena: Just so you know, his wife was named Isabel and so was my mom! You killed my mom! I need some air.
And then Elena runs right back outside and lo and behold, the creepy guy is still there!
Creepy Guy: Stop looking. She doesn’t want to know you. She doesn’t want you to find her.
Creepy Guy: This message will self destruct in five seconds.
And he throws himself under a truck! Elena and Stefan run to the scene of the crime, steal his cell phone and then are gone!
Back at the Bachelore sale, Aunt Jenna wins Alaric and Mrs. Lockwood wins…OMG, Damon!
But Damon is gone…and Alaric leaves too…
At La Casa De Matt
Matt: Mom, why are you here? Why did you come back? Why are you so drunk?
Matt’s Mom: Well, they were running low on characters to turn into vampires. But please don’t leave me.
Matt: Crap! Mom, if I have to promise you that I’m not going anywhere…it might mean I’m going to turn into a vampire.
Matt’s Mom: Hmmm, better than you me, sweetie.
At Salvatore Mansion:
Alaric shows up. He’s ready to kill Damon. The jig is up!
Damon: Really? Vampire-Throw!
Alaric: Where’s Isabel! What did you do to her?
Damon: Oh come on. I turned her.
Alaric: You turned her because you liked her?
Damon: No I slept with her because I liked her. Duh! She begged me to turn her. Come on, you knew that. You saw your flashbacks. She wanted to vamp it up.
Damon: *Stakes Alaric* Now I watch you die—it’ll be long and painful. And far more entertaining then watching Dancing with the Stars.
And then dude, Alaric dies FAST! Which makes me think he’s not done yet.
Stefan: OMG what did you do?
Damon: Told him the truth. And killed him. You know, she’s Elena’s mom and she’s related to Katherine and maybe Katherine sent her to me.
Damon leaves and then Stefan watches Alaric….and then Alaric…WAKES UP!
What saved him? It’s the ring Isabel gave him! A horribly large chunky ring that is like the magic rings of the Salvatore brothers and apparently every vampire around.
Alaric: Isabel’s ring saved me!
Stefan: That’s impossible.
Alaric: Dude, I know.
Elena calls a recent number on Creepy Guy’s cell phone
Isabel: Hello? Did you find her? Is there a problem?
Harper reunites with all the vampires from the tomb in a farm house. And there are a lot of them!
Dun dun dun!