Friday, April 22, 2011

The Vampire Diaries: Klaus Recap

Salvatore Mansion Elena's New Pad The Dungeon of You Brought The Bad Guy Back to Life AGAIN You Idiot!

Elena: Wakey wakey Elijah!


Elena: Nevermind, go back to sleep! Go back to sleep.

Elijah: Katerina?

FlashBack To The Year When Elijah Wears a Curly Wig That is Hideous and Yet Still a Step Up From His Current Haircut: AKA England 1492

Elijah: Hello Katerina. Love the hair. You remind me of a doppelganger.

Katerina: Giggles.

Return to Dungeons

Elijah: *body snaps*

The Flashback: *has broken Elijah*

Elena: *checks for a pulse* (Because you always want to make sure a dead thing has one of those)!

Elijah: I can't breathe! 

Elena: Oh snap! You're in my pad now and not invited.

Elijah: *vampire-door-race* Ok, that's better.

Elena: Great, now that I've brought you back to life and allowed you to escape, we can be bffs? Also shhhhhh, the Salvatore vampires are sleeping.

Elijah: Are you serious? Why should I trust you? You killed me dead.

Elena: *hands over originals-killers-kit*

Elijah: What's this?

Elena: It's my Too Stupid To Live Trophy. I won it in Episode 5!

Elijah: All right. Let's go. Mani/pedi? Death wreaked havoc on my nail beds.

Salvatore Mansion Elena's Pad This is the last time we wear those Vampire Ear Plugs to Bed!

Stefan: Elena? Elena? ELENAAAAA???????????? Where are you? Where did you goooooooo?

Damon: Andy...stay really still. I'm inserting my straw for some breakfast...

Andy: But I have work!

The Dungeon of You Can Put That Original's Face on a Milk Carton Because He is M.I.S.S.I.N.G.

The Dungeon: *Is Empty*

Stefan: FML

Damon: Ditto

KlausAlaric's Corner

KlausAlaric: Surprise Warlock, I'm really tired of this dude's body. Go out and fetch mine?

Surprise Warlock: As You Wish

Katherine: Now that you have the moonstone and killed the witch dead and can easily get the doppleganger, and I think there's a werewolf in the next town over, let me go?

KlausAlaric: Remember that one time when I slaughtered your whole family? That was fun.

Katherine: *whimpers*

Elena's Car of Seriously, WHY would my boyfriend care that I ran off with another man who previously tried to kill me dead? 

Elena: Ok, so I want Klaus dead and you want Klaus dead and I think we ought to be on the same team. Also I totally trust you.

Frankie: TOO (cough) STUPID (cough) TO LIVE (cough)

Stefan (oh phone): OMFG where are you and where is Elijah and why didn't you kiss me goodbye this morning?

Elena: You had blood breath--sooo not sexy. Also Elijah is right here and even though he tried to kill me and everyone I know, he's totally changed now and on our side. He totally showed me his boyscout badge and I know without a doubt that he is a man of honor.

Stefan: ELENA! Are you high?

Damon (in background): I'm going to come and find you Elijah and KILL you again and kill anyone else who gets in my way!

Elena: Ok gg, bye! *gives Elijah phone* You won't kill me, right? Pinky swear?

Stefan: Hmmm yeah, well in the interest of letting this episode run its course, I guess we better let Elena do her thing.

Damon: *eyes explode with emotion*

Flashback to the Year When Klaus Meets Katherine For the First Time and He is NOT Played by Alaric!

Klaus: Hello. I'll be playing the role of Klaus from this point forward.

Katherine: Oooh la la.

Elijah: :-(

Lockwood Estates/Plantations/Colony/Island

Mrs. Lockwood: Oh hi, Elijah and Elena. What are you two doing here? I'm really quite busy, what with that scandal last week when Uncle John fake died in the middle of my event but oh you want to borrow some clothes and hang out here all day, ya that's cool. Come on in.

Salvatore Mansion Elena's Mansion

Aunt Jenna (on phone): Stefan, do you know where Elena and Jeremy are this episode?  I suddenly remembered I'm their guardian and have no effing clue where they are. This couldn't possibly have anything to do with the fact that I ran away for a few days.

Stefan: You seriously should have studied Party of Five before you took on this role, Aunt Jenna. Charlie Salinger was boss!

Aunt Jenna: Oh well, so I'm about to go meet Rick for lunch at The Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls.

Stefan: Didn't that place burn down?

Continuity: *has no place in this episode*

Caroline: I know, right. What about my storyline with Matt and my mom learning all my secrets and betraying me?

Bonnie: Oh be quiet--I'm not even IN this episode.

Jeremy: That's cuz we're doing it in the dead witches safe house of fake death.

Bonnie: Oh yeah :-)

Aunt Jenna: K, well I'm home now and need to get ready for my date.

Stefan: WAIT! Don't meet him! Whatever you do, do not hang out with Rick! I'm coming over RIGHT NOW!

The Lockwood's Mansion of Let's Recap Things For The No Longer Dead Guy

Elena: So then we fried Luka to a crisp and his dad was all like raaawwwwrr and we were like dude, just die already. And Bonnie was like All your powers are belong to me. And then the dead witches were like oh HAI Bonnie, magical powers that kill you dead--want more? And she was like yah.

Elijah: I see.

Flashback to the Year When Klaus Speaks Bulgarian

Klaus: Katerina-a, I-a think-a you-a are-a very-a pretty-a

Katerina: *Bulgarian giggle*

Elijah: Dammit! Why does my brother always have to pull out the Bulgarian just before I make my move!?!?

The Lockwood's Mansion of O.M.G.

Elijah: In case the Bulgarian from the last flashback confused you, let me reiterate. Klaus is my brother.

Elena: ...

Elijah: O.M.G. Right?

Elena: The flashback was in English...

KlausAlaric's Home of Damonic Investigations

Katherine: Klaus didn't compel me to stab myself. Ergo, I am SO freaking bored. Ooooh. Booze. *dance*

Damon: Katherine? Are you alive?

Katherine: My rescue squad is here! But...can' Freaking compulsion!

Damon: *Vampire-Door-Slam*

Andy: OMG, she really is a doppelganger.Cool.

Damon: I've come to deliver you Anti-Damon so you can find a loophole and escape--shouldn't be too hard. KlausAlaric's the lamest villain ever. Also remember last episode when you betrayed us? Don't do it again. Obviously Team Damon is WINNING. DUH!

Aunt Jenna's House of For the Love of Twilight Please Clue This Woman in On the Plot

Stefan: Aunt Jenna! I found you.

Aunt Jenna: Um, yeah. Rick is here too.

KlausAlaric: Boo!

Mrs. Lockwood's House of We Are Family

Elijah: So I was one of 7 and we're all the Originals. But we were human first.

Elena: So how did you all become vampires?

Elijah: Sorry. Too much information for one episode.

Kevin Williamson: Crap! Someone get to work on inventing vampire origins stat!

Aunt Jenna's House of This Is What Happens When Your Ex-Boyfriend's Body is Possessed By An Original

Aunt Jenna: WTF is going on here? Who are you? Where's Elena? Why is Stefan here?

KlausAlaric: Let me explain. No wait, that will take too long. Let me sum up. I. Love. Twilight.

Aunt Jenna: ...

KlausAlaric: What about you, Stefan? Twihard?

Stefan: ...

KlausAlaric: Well?

Edward Cullen: Well?

Stefan: The books, not the movies.

Flashback to the Year When Klaus's Book was a Best Seller Translated into Over 60 Languages

Klaus: Look, my publisher just sent me a translation of that sun and moon curse I invented in Aztec! Harry Potter pwnage!

Lockwood Plantations/Woods/Gardens

Elena: So the whole curse was totally fake and made up and OK I think I need to lie down now.

Aunt Jenna's House of When The Vampires Fight That Means You EXIT The Scene

KlausAlaric: So being here really serves NO purpose at all. In fact, I've done nothing of any purpose since I've arrived. So just in case you were starting to think I wasn't scary....

Frankie: Starting?

KlausAlaric:  *mean eyes* I'm going to stab Jenna through the heart!

Stefan: *Vampire-Wall-Slam*

Aunt Jenna:...

KlausAlaric: Rawwwrrr

Aunt Jenna:...


Aunt Jenna:....

Stefan: He wants to kill you! He's a vampire and wants you dead. LEAVE!

Aunt Jenna:....

Stefan: *vamp face*

Aunt Jenna: Oooh, you mean I should leave. Right. Ok. Bye...

Lockwood Gardens of Hold That Thought

Elena: Hold the phone Elijah. You're explaining way too many things in one episode. So right before it gets interesting, I'm going to leave and comfort Aunt Jenna. That way it'll be like an intellectual cliffhanger. BRB...

Flashback to the Year When HEY...We Already Saw That Scene in Season 1 with 2 Different Brothers...Ooooooh

Katherine: Elijah... *bats eyelashes*

Elijah: ZOMG!

Katherine: Klaus... *bats eyelashes*

Klaus: *come hither finger*

Elijah: FML

Damon: Dude, I know.

Elijah: Why are you in this flashback?

Salvatore Mansion Elena's Mansion of True Confessions

Aunt Jenna: Vampires are real? I mean, I know you were always funny about inviting people inside and wanting me to wear that anti-vampire perfume and adding extra garlic to our dinners, plus there was the time a vampire compelled me to stab myself and then another one tried to bite me and you were mumbling in your sleep "vampires are real, vampires are real" but I never ever thought it was true.


Aunt Jenna: Well who else knows about this? Jeremy?


Aunt Jenna: Andy? Damon? Caroline? Bonnie? That weird guy down the street that took a vow of silence 5 years ago?

Elena: Pretty much everyone not named Aunt Jenna knows.

In the next room...

Elena: Well now that that's taken care of, I need to go back the spending the afternoon with the man who might kill me.

Stefan: Ok.

Damon: WHAT! ELENA! If I wasn't trying so hard to save you, I'd kill you right now.

KlausAlaric's Corner

Katherine: *DANCE PARTY*

KlausAlaric: I'm home!

Katherine: *Non-Dance Party*

The Lockwood Mansion of Here's What You've Been Waiting For

Elena: I'm back! Now explain how this is a fake curse.

Elijah: So there IS a curse, only it's just a curse on Klaus. See...even though he's my brother...he's only my half brother. Mama Original was quite a babe back in the day. And his father was a werewolf.


Elijah: Yes. Klaus is a werepire.

Elena: !!!!!!!!

Elijah: But he can't turn into a wolf because the withces cursed him.

Elena: He wants to be a werewolf?

Elijah: He's always a had a thing for running under the moon naked and covered in fur. But also, he really wants to give birth to a bunch of cubs.

Flashback To The Year When Elijah Is In Love and Klaus is a Douche

Elijah: Guess what! Katherine can live through the sacrifice!

Klaus: Guess what! I'm killing her anyway!

Salvatore Mansion Elena's House of OMG What Is Happening

Damon: Andy! Go away when I'm feeling testy and waggling my eyebrows above 5 mph.

Stefan: Stop playing with her. She's a human!

Damon: No, she's all that's keeping me from doing your girlfriend!

Stefan: Ok that's it. You finally acknowledged The Elephant in the Room

The Elephant: Guys...I've been around all season...

Stefan: Oh yeah! Well I have the one thing Damon, that you'll never have.

Damon: What's that?

Stefan: Her virginity!

Matt: Actually...that's mine.


Elena: STOP fighting, Elijah and I are here and he has something he wants to say to you.

Elijah: You guys really hurt my feelings when you killed me. *tear* Say you're sorry.

Stefan: My bad. Would the deed to a house cheer you up?

Damon: I hate you all. *storms off(

Damon's Room of Worse Compulsion Ever

Andy: Look I'm naked! Let's cuddle.

Damon: *vampirizes Andy* When I say leave, you leave!

Andy: But I love you.

Damon: I compel you to leave!

Andy: ....

Frankie: No one is very good at following directions in this episode

KlausAlaric's Klaus' Corner

Surprise Warlock: So I got your body!

KlausAlaric: Do the spell!

Alaric: Oh wow dude! I'm myself I'm...why do all of my bones hurt.... *collapses*

Katherine: This is NOT awesome!

Klaus: HIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!



  1. This is awesome, best recap out there !!

  2. That was the most amazing recap ever! I especially like the part where Aunt Jenna is supposed to be their guardian but she never knows where they are because that happens all the time!

  3. LOLL it's so late, I should probably go to bed. But you've tempted me to stay awake for another 20 minutes. XD

    best part:

    "KlausAlaric: What about you, Stefan? Twihard?

    Stefan: ...

    KlausAlaric: Well?

    Edward Cullen: Well?

    Stefan: The books, not the movies."

    I totally thought about the same thing at that scene! hahaha. If that was the case, I think I would've better understood why Jenna was so horrified. :p

    And I wished I could hug Damon in that episode. I hate seeing him all man-teary! ;3;

    Vampire Diaries is my guilty pleasure.

  4. Laughed very hard through this recap, brilliant!

    And best part of the actual episode was definitely Elijah with the 'I think what you're looking for is OMG' - cracked me up :D

  5. @Yani, YAY! You made my day!

    @pook555, thank you. Im glad you enjoyed!

    @Crystal, hehe Aunt Jenna NEVER knows where they are!

    @Brigitte, totally agree with everything you said. Sorry I kept you up late;)

    @Vine, thank you!

    @Girl Friday, aww yay thank you so much. And Yes OMG was classic!

  6. Hahahahaha this really made me laugh. I love Elijah, by the way. Not all that impressed by Klaus but whatever. I love Damon, but sometimes he can be a real brat. And Stefan . . . ugh. Your recap was hilarious. I LOL'D.


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