Klausalaric: Thanks for the crash course in Mystic Falls 101. But do I really need to dress like Alaric to pull this off? Ugh, clothes are so lame after 1980.
Katherine: So you'll kill me now?
Katherine: So that's a no?
Klausalaric: I'll kill you. But it's going to last a few centuries. Start by stabbing yourself in the leg while I'm out. Over and over again.
Katherine: *stabs* FML *stabs*
Elena: So I just sign here and this whole place is mine? Cool! Do I need to worry about the mortgage or taxes or anything like that?
Bonnie: You don't worry about things like going to school enough to graduate. Why worry about this?
Elena: Good point! *signs deed*
Outside Elena's House of You Can't Come In Without An Invitation
Stefan: So can Bonnie kill Klaus?
Damon: Nah. She'll nose bleed to death first. Anyway, I predict I'll sacrifice myself to kill him in the season finale earning me at last a goddamn passionate kiss from Elena where she'll realize she's actually in love with me and not you and it'll be super sad, but they'll find a way to bring me back and then next season I get the girl!
Damon: Oh...didn't mean to say that out loud...
Elena: Stefan, won't you come inside my house?
Stefan: *has golden ticket*
Damon: What about me?
Elena: Only if you swear to stop leaving the freaking toilet seat up.
Elena: Ok, let's go to school.
Stefan: Are we even still enrolled?
Bonnie: *checks the script* Yep!
Stefan: Absolutely not! You're being tracked by the meanest craziest evilest vampire ever and we just made you a safe house worth a bazillion dollars and you want to leave it?
Elena: I expect to find a plot point at school.
Stefan: Well at least that's better than finding your education.
Caroline's House of Matt and Her Mom in Cahoots is Creepy
Matt: So about the fact that your daughter vampirized my sister?
Officer Forbes: I think the best thing to do is pretend we know nothing at all. Also you totes need to take her to the school dance halfway through the episode.
Klausalaric's Class of WHAT? Teachers Teach?
Klausalaric: So this is a classroom? You kids like learn and stuff here?
Some Student: We're studying the 60's. Because we're having a 60's themed dance.
Klausalaric: Good to know your curriculum has its priorities in place. Now...which one of you is Elena?
Elena: Rick...you know me.
Elena: I mean...Mr. Salzman, my teacher who has never been in my house and who I've never accidentally seen naked during a midnight ice cream in the kitchen.
Klausalaric: Right, the girl who looks like Katherine. Ok enough learning for today. Class dismissed.
Mystic Falls High Hallways:
Caroline: Matt! Yay! So happy we're back together.
Matt: Sister-Killer! I mean...*KISS*
Mystic Falls Cafeteria Of Klaus Has Entered The School:
Jeremy: Bonnie, I'm really worried about the whole using all the dead witches powers will kill you dead thing.
Bonnie: I think you worry too much. Now shhh, don't let Elena know about my maybe-dying. She thinks she's the only one with a martyr-complex.
Some Girl: Hey Elena, this super-duper hottie wants to date you.
Edward Cullen: This is not true. I am taken.
Some Girl: Not you, Edward. Klaus!
Damon: I guess we need to go to the dance tonight and lure Klaus out.
Bonnie: Good, and then when he appears I'll witch him dead.
Klausalaric: *steps inside no invitation needed* How can you witch the most powerful and handsome vampire ever dead?
Bonnie: *witches Damon across the room*
Klausalaric: I see...
Klausalaric: I need to find some cool clothes for the dance tonight. *searches in drawers* Whoa? Crossbows? Anti-Damon shots? Who is this dude?
Katherine: *stab* Local Vampire Hunter *stab* Except he hasn't killed any since season 1. *stab* FML!
Klausalaric: Ok so I need to kill this witch tonight. Surprise Warlock, you want to do the honors?
Surprise Warlock: Won't work, she'll sense me miles away. And actually considering how small this set is, I'm surprised she hasn't sensed me already. Anyway, if she uses all her powers to kill you, it'll kill her too.
Klausalaric: So I just need to get her to use all her powers and she'll self-avada kedavra and I need to not get dead.
Surprise Warlock: I'll prepare the Not-Get-Dead potion.
Caroline's House of Caroline Is The Most Awesome Character Ever WTF Is Up With This Story-line CW?????????
Caroline: I look awesome!
Officer Forbes: Yes. You look just like
Elena: Can you remember our last kissing scene?
Stefan: No...maybe like 3 episodes ago?
Elena: Let's kiss!
Damon: *cock blocks*
Team Dalena: YES!!!!
Mystic Falls High School Dance of Man Does Klaus Likes To Convolute The Plot
Klausalaric: Hey boy--want to earn some extra credit?
Some Boy: At a school dance? History teacher appears to be coming onto me... Nope, this isn't weird at all. What do I do?
Jeremy: Bonnie, wear my magic-ring-of-I-can't-die
Bonnie: It's a don't die by supernatural death ring, and being supernatural myself we cancel each other out, or something like that.
Jeremy: Why are you trying to sacrifice yourself?
Bonnie: I heard the CW might make a show about just witches and I figure if I act more like Elena I'll get cast there and be the star and they might have more than one restaurant I can eat at.
Some Girl: And now we have a special dedication from Klaus to Elena!
Elena: Seriously? He spent half a century tracking down the doppel-what's-it and his first move is a song dedication?
Stefan: I think he's been watching reruns of Buffy--the season when Angel went bad. Oh Caroline's here! Let me leave you alone for the psycho vampire to find while I fill her in.
Damon: Elena, shall we dance? *waggles eyebrows*
Damon: Excuse me for a second, I need to dance with the witch. So Bonnie...you're totally gung ho on the killing yourself plan to save Elena.
Bonnie: Totes! And don't try and stop me!
Damon: Oh trust me, I won't. Best. Plan. Ever. *eyebrow waggle*
Mystic Falls Hallway of This WILL End Badly
Jeremy: I has a sad. Bonnie is totes going to kill herself dead from a witch-power OD when she kills Klaus.
Stefan: Oh crap! I have to tell Elena.
Jeremy: Wait...I think this was a secret...
Mystic Falls Dance of 60's Music That Was Not Around In The 60's
Elena: Bonnie! You were going to kill yourself to save everyone? Don't you know I have dibs on that story line?
Damon: STEFAN! You have the biggest mouth ever!
Bonnie: Come on, Elena, wouldn't you do the same thing for me if our roles were reversed?
Elena: Ummm, I don't know...I'm kind of the star of the show...
The Hallway of Klaus is The Oldest Vampire Ever but He Hires High School Boys To Do His Dirty Work Instead?
Some Boy: Hey, Jeremy Jerkwad *facepunch*
Some Other Boy: Hey, Vampires! *crossbows*
Damon: OW! Ok! NOW I'm angry.
Klausalaric: Elena! Bonnie! Come quick. Klaus is here and he has Jeremy! Follow me. He's down this dark hallway.
Bonnie: Is it just me or has Alaric been totally weird all episode.
Elena: I think we're just not used to seeing him in so many scenes and forgot what a crappy actor he is. Let's go! *stops* On second thought...wait...you're wearing the shirt you hate. You never wear the shirt you hate! You're not Alaric, are you?
Klausalaric: Muahahaha! I am Klaus!
Bonnie: Seriously? They hired Alaric to play you? I thought they'd hire another actor. I thought he'd be hot...
Klausalaric: Budget cuts. Anyways...time to die!
Bonnie: *witches Klausalaric against the wall*
The Wall: FML
Bonnie: Elena! RUN!
Damon: So Bonnie...you're still totally good with the dying thing?
Bonnie: Yep! *witches Klausalaric's bones broken*
Klausalaric: Is that the best you can do?
Bonnie: *witches busted kneecaps.*
Bonnie: *witches light show*
Stefan: Bonnie! Stop!
Elena: Bonnie, NO!
Bonnie: *witches the door shut*
Bonnie's Nose: I haz a bleed! I haz a bleed. Pull back, Bonnie! We're out of tissues!
Klausalaric: *Is the broken*
Bonnie: *is dead*
Damon: Stefan, get your screaming GF out of here so I can deal with the body.
Frankie and Donna: WHAT? NO! No way is she dead! Fast forward through commercials!!!!
Commercials: HEY! What are you---
Mystic Falls Body Disposal:
Damon: *dead Bonnie toss*
Damon: Let's have a chat...
Stefan: It's okay! It'll be okay.
Damon: Hey, so...you look sad.
Elena: *faceslap* How could you let my best friend DIE?!!!!!?!!!?!?!!?!? I HATE YOU!
Damon: Bonnie's not dead. She's only mostly dead. She took a rufie from a priest and she's totally going to wake up, so CHILL!
Stefan: You couldn't have told us this plan? Look what you did to Elena!?!?!? You made her mascara run and that stuff was waterproof!
Damon: Klaus HAD to see her die and believe it so we can use her as our secret weapon--though most likely she'll still nosebleed to death first. Your big mouth would have ruined everything. Also, I make the toughest choices and thanks to me--not you--ME--I'm keeping Elena alive! *EYES*
Damon: *can barely contain the amount of awesome he owns inside*
Bonnie's Secret Cave Of Fake Death
Bonnie: Hey Jeremy, I'm back to life.
Jeremy: Sweet! I really hated it when you were mostly dead. You're just in time for some product placement pimpage. Also Elena's on skype! Yay!
Commercials: And you THOUGHT you could fast forward! Muahahaha!
Elena: Bonnie cannot go dead! Ok.
Damon: If it comes down to it I will Always. Choose. You.
Team Dalena: *faints*
Frankie: Ok seriously....HIT THAT! WHY are you still with Stefan?
The Dungeon of You Brought The Bad Guy Back to Life Again
Elena: Damon thinks he can make hard decisions! I'll show him hard decisions. I signed the deed. This is my house now. *pulls knife from Elijah's body*
Alaric: Um, guys? I think I fell...