Thursday, October 29, 2009

Vampire Diaries: Episode 7: Haunted

A random dude walks to his car...looks like we're back to opening with cheesy horror movie cliches. Oh Kevin Williamson, we missed your signature scenes these last few episodes.

I sense a vampire nearby. Now is it Vickie? Or Damon. Ooh its NOT a random guy walking! It's Tyler. That must mean...

Oh HAI Vickie!

She's sitting in Tyler's car and she is STARVING!

Tyler: OMG Vickie, what are you high on NOW?

Vickie: Vampire! AUGH!

Vickie wigs out and tries to vampirize Tyler, but...

Stefan: Super vampire interception! Tyler is saved.

Tyler: Dude.

Damon Giggling: Dude?

Stefan: Dude? What is this dude? What does that mean?

Damon: Step aside while I compel the little guy.

Damon's Eyebrows: Wiggle

In Elena's Room:
She wakes up in the bright cheery morning of her room as she usually does. Will we hear a diary entry? No! You know, I kind of miss those things. I mean this show IS called the Vampire Diaries! Right? Come on, Elena, write something, make it epic.

At the Salvatores:

Damon: Man, I totally killed Aunt Jenna's ex-newscaster boyfriend in the last episode and they didn't even put it in the newspaper. Where's my glory? Why do I bother?

Vickie: I'm hungry. Food?

Stefan: Here I have some veggie blood for you. Check out the menu. What would you like? Bambi? Thumper?  Simba? Take your pick.

Damon: You know, PETA doesn't appreciate you.

Vickie: Yum!

Someone's at the door! Oh HAI Elena.

Elena: Stefan, what do I tell people? Everyone is looking for Vickie. Jeremy's ready to call the National Guard.

Stefan: I know, I'm sorry. I'm trying to help her. She has all of these issues and her reaction to the bloodlust is like her drug addiction.

Elena: What did you like study with Freud or something? You were alive back then. Right?

Vickie appears at the top of the stairs.

Elena: Are you ok?

Vickie: Ok? OK! Are you freaking kidding me? I'm dead!

Elena: Oh right...sorry, forgot.

At Bonnie's Witch Grandma's House:
Bonnie: So we're really witches? Awesome. When can we stop with the history lesson and do some spells? I want to burn cars.

Grandma: Go to school, Carrie!

At the only restaurant in Mystic Falls:
Tyler's parents plot and Damon ovehears...

At Mystic Falls High School:
Caroline: Hey everybody. Glad to see me? I knew it. Now listen, you need to write to Kevin and tell him I'm absolutely necessary for every episode. Ok? Remember the bikini. Just upgrade my contract and...

Bonnie: Oh be quiet, will you? It's too early for this. I wasn't in the last episode either.

Caroline: Yeah but I'm blond. Anyway you got your own scene two minutes ago.

Bonnie: With my grandmom!

Caroline: Ugh! Fine. Here. Take Damon's sparkly necklace.

At the Salvatores:
Stefan: Here, drink coffee!

Vickie: Omg dead people pee! Why do I have to pee I thought I was dead. Oh wait I don't have to pee. I'm dead.

Elena: Listen, you need to leave Jeremy alone, you might bite him.

Vickie Vamp Face: You little priss! Don't tell me what to do, I'll rip your head off.

Elena: Oh crap! There's more than one bad ass in this episode now.

Outside the Salvatores:
Elena: She threatened me!

Stefan: Right now everything is mixed up, for her, hurt hunger, anger, love, lust.

Elena: Whatever Freud, just keep her away from my brother.

Vickie and Damon are Bored!

Vickie: Why did you kill me?

Damon: I was bored

Vickie: Seriously?

Damon: When you live forever you have to find new hobbies.

Vickie: Well Im bored.

Damon: Ok. Fun time!

Outside of Salvatore House:
Damon: here's how you go really fast! Go on live a little. No pun intended, NOT!

Vickie runs away!

Damon: Oops my bad!

Stefan: We're going to have to buy her a leash!

Vickie goes home:

But she can't go in. She needs to be invited. So Matt invites her in and makes her dinner and she complains the whole time until Stefan is at the door:
Vickie: Don't invite him in. PlzKthanx!

At Elena's:
Elena: Forget about Vickie

Jeremy: Huh? What? Wha? Don't you can't, you can't say those things to me. Are you even speaking in English?

Text Message from Vickie: Happy Halloween, lover. I want to suck your blood.

At the Coolest Halloween Dance Ever:
Everything is super colorful and awesome and Elena is dressed like a nurse?

Back at the only restaurant in Mystic Falls:
Tyler's parents are STILL there and now in costume and drinking dirty martinis.

Damon: Hello, sexy lady.

Tyler's Mom: Why helloooo, are you a gardener?

Damon: I look into my eyes.

Tyler's Mom: Why did you get something in it?

Damon: Why does everyone in this town have Anti-Damon jewelry on!

Back at the Coolest Halloween Dance Ever:
Elena: Where's Vickie? Is she here?

Matt: Yeah, you know she was missing for a few days and dissapeared and died and got made into a vampire after she did this awesome dance and all these campers are dead and the police want to talk to her, not to mention the hundred people in the search party, but we came to the dance instead. Anyway she's here somewhere. She's a vampire.

Elena: You have NO idea.

Back at the Only Restaurant:
Damon: Ooh you like Anti-Damon? I can get you more, wink wink.

Tyler's Mom: Oooh lalalala. You're a flirt!

Damon: You're a cougar.

Tyler's Mom: Your 150 years old!

Damon: Touche!

Meanwhile at the Dance:

Matt and Stefan go at it over Vickie: This bromance is over!

Stefan yells at Matt, "I'm trying to help her" and he has the most emotion in his voice I've ever heard him use.

Vickie, finds Jeremy finally. Kiss kiss baby, lets blow this joint.

Hey you guys remember Mr. Tanner? He died at the football game? Yeah. Episode 3. If we were following the book he would have died tonight...which makes me think someone else might...but who could it be?

Damon: Where's Caroline. OMG Bonnie, that's my crystal.

Bonnie: No! Mine, mine, mine, mine.

Damon makes a grab for it and it burns his hand. Bonnie's eyes widen as they do whenever she has a witchy moment. She runs away.

Jeremy and Vickie are going to do it by the school buses...
Vickie: Come away with me, we can be together FORever..

Jeremy: K!

Vickie: Like really for eternity.

Jeremy: K!

Vickie:Chomp Chomp!

Jeremy: WTF Vickie! Ow!

Elena runs at Vickie with a bat!
Vickie and Elena throw down.
Stefan comes and overpowers Vickie, but she has some sneaky super vampire stealth and escapes and vampirizes Elena.


Stefan Stakes Vickie! OMG. Jeremy is crying. Elena is horrified and Vickie dies slowly and suddenly has decayed a few days.


Break to a commercial and close up AGAIN on Vickie's several days old dead body. Ewww!

Damon shows up to deal with the mess because Stefan can't. Dude Stefan, what can you do? Elena tries to beat up Damon and avenge Vickie's death, but Damon can't be moved. He tells her he doesn't care and to LEAVE NOW because she is bleeding and smelling tasty but then he kneels by Vickie's dead body and that remorse? Oh Damon!

Bonnie goes to see Grandma witch to confess her latest Carrie moment with Damon's sparkly necklace which is actually Bonnie's great great great great great great great great ancestor super witche's necklace!

Back at the Dance:
Matt: OMG where's Vickie?
Elena: She's dead! I don't know.

Matt: You're bleeding, are you hurt?
Elena: No, its Strawberry syrup, same stuff they used in Carrie.
Matt: Really?
Elena: Well yeah Kevin Williamson, remember. They're even showing Scream on HBO, right now.
Matt: Oh right.

Elena leaves, beats the crap out of her steering wheel and comes home to find Stefan sitting like a watch dog on her porch.

Where is Aunt Jenna?!?

Inside the house Jeremy is having a total meltdown
Jeremy: Why does everybody die on me???????

OMG poor Jeremy I am so sad. First his parents, now Vickie and he is so confused!

Stefan sits alone on the porch, with swelling music to show how emo he is, probably rueing the day he became a vampire, and wishing he could have finished his psycho-therapy twelve step program with Vickie until Elena comes back outside.

Stefan: I wanted to help her

Elena: Jeremy is CRYING. I dont want him going through this again. You need to compel him, make him forget.

OMG Stefan is going to drink Elena's blood to get strong enough to use his vampire powers and compel Jeremy!

Oooh no Damon is here, Damon will do it.

I don't know Kevin Williamson, my idea is better...

Anyway, now Stefan is so sad because he lost Vickie and couldn't help Vickie and Elena is still not his girlfriend.

Elena: This sucks. I want to forget everything too, I want to forget meeting you and everything that happened.

Stefan: You do?

Elena: No...if that happened, there wouldn't be a show.

Stefan: Or it would be like one massive rerun. We'd meet, you'd fall in love with me again, I'd be careless, you'd discover I was a vampire, someone would die...

Elena: Yeah, like the second half of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Good point.

Damon: Good night. Jeremy can't remember a thing.

...And that was episode 7!

Wooo- next week it looks like the fun is back when Stefan's ex, who is NOT in the book comes to town.

Let us all take a moment to mourn more moments like these...

What'd you guys think?


  1. As usual, recap gave me the teehees.

    It would've been SO MUCH BETTER if Stefan drank Elena's blood to have the power to compel Jeremy to forget. I was thinking the exact same thing!

    Damon was in his prime tonight. He gave me such giggles. The him + Vicky combo was superb. Except for when they overdid his remorse and he randomly is like "hey I'll compel your bro because I'm feeling charitable" ... which SHOULDN'T have happened.

    And I love the random Elena & Matt "Oh HAI remember how we were together last year and did a couple costume thing?" moment. Awkwarddddd.

    Bye Vicky! We'll miss you!

  2. I know seriously! Stefan should have done it! Damon was like super evil one episode ago and now he's all decent again. What is that? He should be super villain all season. I don't know, I still love it, but the show is getting weak...nothing tops the episode when Damon read Twilight! Nothing!

  3. You actually make me wish I watched this show. Something unbelievable!!! I laughed really hard at your description, it was awesome :)

    And... totally epic... Elena as a NURSE, nonetheless LOL

  4. Okay, Donna was right. This is pretty hilarious. :)

  5. I missed the second episode and I refuse to watch the rest without seeing that one episode. So now i'm so totally out of the loop.

  6. LMAO! That was pretty funny.


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