Mystic Falls Hospital: Caroline’s Room
Caroline wakes up in the middle of the night and wanders out of her room.
Night Nurse: Excuse me, but you need to go back to sleep.
Night Nurse: It’s the middle of the night.
Caroline: But I can see just fine.
Caroline: And I’m STARVING! Right now!
Night Nurse: Well breakfast is in 5 hours. Go back to sleep.
Caroline: I’m SO confused. Also WHAT’S that smell?
Night Nurse: Go to sleep!
Caroline: It’s blood! I smell blood. It smells so good. WHY? *wanders over to the blood bag*
Night Nurse: ROOM! BED! NOW!
Caroline then goes into her room and produces the blood bag. It conveniently has a straw in it, looks like an oversized juice box. Caroline takes a sip and…
Caroline: Pffft! EW! O negative! What the crap! I want some B positive. *eyes the bag warily* Oh whatever *slurp Slurp SLURP*
Caroline is totes a vampire now, you guys!
Mystic Falls High School Carnival
Bonnie: So it was so weird how Katherine looked just like you last week.
Elena: Well you know we’re both played by the same actress.
Bonnie: I wonder why they never hired me to play Emily. I could have doubled my screen time but they always hired Kendra the Vampire Slayer. Whatever happened to her?
Elena: She moved into some dead girl’s house in Pennsylvania.
Bonnie: Oh. So have talked to Damon since he killed Jeremy.
Elena: He didn’t kill Jeremy.
Bonnie: Right he not-killed him. He tried to kill him. Except he did kill him. He just didn’t die.
Elena: No more talking.
Mystic Falls High School: Inside
Stefan: So Jeremy, here’s some Anti-Damon so Damon can’t kill you and also read this book, it’ll teach you every single way to kill a vampire.
Jeremy: Nice! Now I can kill Damon.
Stefan: Um…yeah, don’t bother. His contract isn’t going to be up anytime soon.
Jeremy: K. BTW I’m totes feeling better now. I mean I’m kind of freaked out that a vampire killed me and I was brought back by a magic ring, but you know.
Ummm excuse me! Let’s not forget that the day before you tried to commit suicide by vampire rebirth and now you’re all mad that a vampire killed you? Btw you had 2 girlfriends die last season and all a year after your parents died. DUDE! You are NOT ok! Why isn’t anyone acknowledging this? Put the Jeremy in therapy!!!!!!!!
Elena: Hey Stefan, do me a favor and take me to the top of the ferris wheel tonight and kiss me.
Stefan: Um…ok, but it’s going to have to wait until the very end of this episode.
Elena: Whatever, just do it.
So apparently Mrs. Lockwood is the new mayor and Damon’s going to be her first lieutenant or spy or undercover lover. He’s something. And Mason—that’s Uncle Lockwood’s name! and Tyler come in for a run….shirtless. Apparently they just ran like 100 miles. And HOLY CRAP Tyler is ripped! Obviously they are competing for shirtless time with Damon and Stefan.
Damon listens as Tyler goes on and on about how he’s always angry and has episodes and even working out 20 hours a day 7 days a week doesn’t help.
Mason: I see. You’re either a very angry kid. On steroids. Or….suffering from Teen Wolfitis.
Tyler: Or what?
Mystic Falls Hospital
Caroline: OUCH! *burns her hand in the sun* OUCH! WTF! How am I supposed to tan?
Matt: Oh hey, I brought you food.
Caroline: EW! I don’t eat food.
Matt: Riiight. So you’ll be released tomorrow morning.
Caroline: Morning!?! Like with the sun!?!?
Matt: Yeah…the sun tends to be out then.
Caroline: Oh no no no no no! I need to get out of here tonight. In the dark!
Matt: It’s too dark in here. Let me open the windows.
Caroline: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Close the window!
Caroline: CLOSE THE MOTHER EFFING WINDOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Matt: *backs slowly out the door*
Damon: Pours himself a cup of blood
Damon: Oh hey Stefan, want some?
Stefan: I already ate.
Damon: Dude, one day those bunny rabbits are going to revolt and you’ll go hungry.
Stefan: Nah, I’m really into skunk lately.
Damon: You need therapy. Also I think the Lockwoods are supernatural. And Katherine isn’t in this episode but she’ll be in another and she LOVES you.
Mystic Falls Hospital
Caroline: Gosh it’s so hard to get dressed with that pesky sun always in my way. Thank goodness I still have my reflection. I could not survive eternity without being able to check my hair. I need some more blood. *Slurp* MMmMmmmm! *VAMP FACE* OMG! WTF! Botox can’t fix that! *VAMP TEETH* Noooooooooooooo!
Night Nurse: Why are you screaming?
Caroline: Why are you still here? Didn’t you work the nightshift?
Night Nurse: Budget cuts wouldn’t let them hire more than one extra for the hospital scenes.
Caroline: Man, that sucks for you because I am STARVING!
And Caroline totally vampirizes the Night/Day Nurse
Bonnie: So this carnival is pretty sweet except the ball toss booth ran out of Team Jacob Tees.
Elena: That’s weird.
Edward Cullen: *stuffs the Jacob tees under his coat*
Then Bonnie eyes some cute guy she likes who’s also working at the carnival and oh man, whenever Bonnie likes someone it ends badly. Poor guy.
Mason: Snoops in the dead mayor’s office
Tyler: What are you doing?
Mason: I’m trying to find your dad’s moonstone. Do you know where it is?
Tyler: Noooo. Ask my mom.
Tyler totes knows where that stone is! You liar!
Damon: Hey Jeremy. You’re not dead.
Jeremy: Go away or I’ll expose you.
Damon: *chokeholds Jeremy* Don’t threaten me. I’ll kill you again and this time you’ll be dead-dead. Like really dead.
Jeremy: *Magic Ring Flash*
Damon: Oh puh-leaze *Ring Steal* Run along *Ring Throw*
Mystic Falls Hospital
Caroline: OMG I am SO sorry about your neck. Now tell me the story we rehearsed.
Night/Day Nurse: My husband likes to get kinky.
Caroline: Ok, I’m audi! Man, this compulsion thing is AWESOME.
Damon and Stefan watch Tyler and Mason arm wrestle and Mason is so super strong that he practically breaks Tyler’s 10 varsity sports arm.
Damon: Something is up with that guy. Go arm wrestle him.
****Arm Wrestling Match: Vampire versus Werewolf***
Damon: WTF, you didn’t even try!
Stefan: Ow. Yes I did. He’s strong.
Damon: OMG WHAT are they? Zombies? Aliens? Oversized bunnies?
Damon: Hahaha yeah good one. Werewolves don’t exist. Hey! Guy that Bonnie liked 15 minutes ago, yeah you.
Bonnie’s Guy: ??
Damon then compels him to go fight with Tyler and no matter what, he’s not to back down.
Stefan: Why’d you do that?
Damon: Because Tyler will get pissed and then we’ll see what kind of supernatural thing happens.
Stefan: This is the worst plan ever.
Inside Mystic Falls High School
Caroline is walking and runs into Damon.
Caroline: I totes remember when you used to bite me and feed off me and manipulate me.
Damon: No you don’t. You couldn’t unless you were becoming….Oh CRAP!
Caroline: I have a message for you from Katherine.
Damon’s Eyebrows: Go wide
Caroline: I know what you did last summer?
Caroline: I mean…GAME ON! *Damon-Vampire-Toss* Also girls rule, boys drool!
Back outside at the carnival
Damon: Elena, you need to come see something.
Elena: No! I hate you!
Damon: Yah yah I suck. You need to come with me RIGHT NOW!
Damon’s Eyebrows: Convince Elena to come.
Meanwhile Stefan follows Bonnie’s Guy who picks a fight with Tyler.
Bonnie’s Guy: Sup!
Mason: WHAT is going on?
Then Mason’s eyes go all wolf-like and he Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Jumps in the air until the fight is over.
Bonnie’s Guy: OW!
Stefan: Dude, you shouldn’t pick fights with people.
Bonnie’s Guy: :(
Meanwhile Caroline goes to see Matt and breaks a bunch of bottles with her new vampire strength and goes through so many personalities in the course of 2 minutes he must totally think she’s psycho. Or a vampire!
Inside some classroom in Mystic Falls High:
Hey! This is the same room you had your secret meeting in when Elena, Alaric and Damon decided to rescue Stefan from the tomb vamps!
Elena: I can’t believe Katherine killed Caroline!!!! Why did she do it? WHY is this happening to me?
Damon: Um, might I mention it’s not happening to you. It’s happening to Caroline.
Elena: But it’s always about me.
Damon: Yeah…so look I think we need to go kill Caroline. Remember Vickie’s plotline last season. This won’t end well. Caroline isn’t cut out to be a vamp.
Elena: No! We’re not repeating the same storyline from season 1!
Stefan: We might have to.
Elena: No! No repeat plotlines. The audience gets restless. Plus, I like acting all agonized about this. Its good for my career.
Caroline: OMG! THIS IS BAD! I am FREAKING OUT and….and…and…I smell BLOOD!
Bonnie’s Guy: *dabs at his bloody nose* Hey, are you ok?
Caroline: I am soooooooooooooooo sorry! *VAMP FACE*
Bonnie’s Guy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Caroline then throws him down and bites his neck and man is she a messy eater!
Meanwhile Matt goes to see Bonnie for some love advice on Caroline’s crazy moods.
Matt: She was being so weird.
Bonnie: She’s always weird.
Matt: No, she was REALLY weird.
Meanwhile Elena and Stefan argue about who Katherine was sending a message to when she killed Caroline.
Elena: I’m the main star of the show.
Stefan: But it’s called The Vampire Diaries and I’m a vampire.
Elena: But you don’t even keep a diary anymore.
Stefan: Neither do you!
Elena: Yah but my diary was crucial in a small plot twist toward the end of season 1.
Stefan: It isn’t always about you, Elena.
Elena: Then why is the camera focused on me?
Tyler: WTF was with that Ninja jump you did? It was like you were some kind of wolf or something.
Damon finds Caroline over Bonnie’s Guy and she has blood everywhere.
Caroline: Waaaaah! I can’t believe this! I finally get an entire episode devoted to me and this is how I’m treated by hair and make up!?!?
Damon: It’s ok. I’ll clean you up.
Caroline: You don’t even know how to apply eyeliner!
Damon: You’re right. I’m just going to have to kill you.
Caroline: What? No! I don’t want to die. I have my calendar cleared for a year’s worth of appearances on this show.
Damon: Come here. It’ll be ok. *pulls out stake*
Stefan: *swipes the stake*
Caroline then goes into shock and is having the freak out of all freak outs and Damon keeps trying to kill her but Elena blocks him and then they run into Bonnie.
Bonnie touches Caroline’s arm and feels she’s a vampire and then sees her guy is all dead and then…Bonnie is not Caroline’s friend anymore!
Bonnie: Why can’t I have a single romantic storyline on this show!?!?!?
Inside the boy’s bathroom:
Caroline: I’m a murderer. And a monster. I’m going to have Vickie’s storyline!
Stefan: You won’t have Vickie’s storyline. I’m going to take care of you. It’ll be ok. Just take some deep breathes. I’ll clean the blood off you.
Caroline: WHY is this happening to me?
Stefan: :( I don’t know. I’m sorry.
Caroline: *VAMP FACE* AAAAH! Why does this keep happening to my face?
Stefan: It’s ok, it happens to mine too. See? Don’t worry. I’ll teach you everything I know about being a vampire which is a lot because I’m 200.
Caroline: *sniffles* Ok.
And suddenly I am SO Team Stefan+ Caroline!!! Get together! Forget Elena!!!!
Bonnie: Damon, I warned you what would happen if anyone else died!
Damon: You are totally overlooking the fact that YOU made me give her blood and also I did not kill her. I didn’t even not-kill her. I didn’t touch her.
Bonnie: *WITCH HEADACHE*
Bonnie: *Witches gasoline all over Damon* *Witch Fire*
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHhh! DAMON IS ON FIRE!!!! MAYDAY MAYDAY!!!!
Elena: STOP! BONNIE DON’T KILL HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bonnie stops and Damon looks at Elena with the most intense look in his eyebrows that might mean:
A) OW! Fire effing hurts!
B) If this fire singed my eyebrows you’ll be hearing from my publicist
C) You really DO love me!
D) All of the above
OMG! I hope it’s C! Forget Stefan, Elena!
Back inside the high school:
Stefan: So I cleaned up Caroline. She’s ok.
Elena: I can’t believe this happened to me.
Stefan: Um, ok, actually it didn’t happen to you.
Elena: Why is everything about me? My bff is a witch, my bf is a vampire. Katherine wants to kill me and I can’t even find my diary!
Stefan: Ok seriously Elena. Your brother was just not-killed a day ago and your friend was murdered and vampirized. Even I need to step away from this self-pity party.
Elena: No! Me first! *flounces home*
Mason: Thanks for looking for that moonstone for me Mrs. Lockwood.
Mrs. Lockwood: *seductive smile*
Tyler: Goes into his dad’s office and finds the moonstone inside a box, under a pile of papers inside a safe, beneath a loose floor board under the rug in his dad’s office.
Damon: Jeremy, why are you hiding in a corner?
Jeremy: Came to kill you. You killed me. So I figured it was my turn. *STAKE*
Damon: LOL! Dude, this is the worst stake I’ve ever seen in my life. Didn’t you ever take woodshop?
Jeremy: *pouts* I was too emo.
Damon: Ok, whatever we’re cool now. See you next episode.
Matt: *sneaks through her window* I want you! I need you! Oh baby, oh baby. Also I love you.
Caroline: I love you too! *VAMP FACE* *Deep breaths* *No more vamp face* OMG! I can do this! I can totes be a vampire and survive. I don’t have Vickie’s plotline!!!!
La Casa De Elena
Elena is woken from her slumber by her prince charming—Stefan
And he whisks her back to the carnival.
Stefan: Remember when you said you wanted to go to the top of the ferris wheel and kiss at the start of the episode?
Elena: Yeah….but the ferris wheel isn’t on. How are we going to get to the top?
Stefan: *winks* You better hold on tight, Spider Monkey! *Vampire Jumps to the top of the ferris wheel*
Edward Cullen: *stops making out with his Team Jacob tees* STOP STEALING MY LINES!!!!
Stefan: Shut up, Edward Cullen!