Alaric, ALAric, AlaRIC: Well hello there season 2! It’s been a few episodes but I’m finally considered a relevant side character again. Woot!
Damon: What do you know about Isobel’s research on vampires and folklore in Mystic Falls? Particularly, did you ever hear her say, “I think the Lockwoods are werewolves?”
Alaric: Well, I never heard her utter those exact words…
Elena: Yah, but we think the Lockwoods are werewolves. So are they? Do you know?
Stefan: Well we think it is highly probable and highly possible that the Lockwoods are werewolves, or might be werewolves, or are probably werewolves, or may be something that is like a werewolf, or maybe not referred to as a werewolf but is essentially a werewolf.
Alaric: Well…probably considering the heavy moon foreshadowing and the way the camera keeps switching off of us to Mason and Tyler Lockwood acting shady and like they are werewolves, I’d say yes, yes they are.
Damon: Nah! They’re not…
Elena: You are such an idiot!
Alaric: So roadtrip?
Elena: I’ll bring the sandwiches. Let’s go to Duke!
Lockwood Mansion/Estate/Land/Plantation/Half of Mystic Falls:
Tyler: Wow! I never even knew we had this torture dungeon. What are all the chains for? Dude, claw marks! *pulls out camera phone* This is SO going on youtube.
Matt: *knock knock* Caroline! Open up!
Caroline: *burns hand in sunlight* CrapCrapCrap
Matt: *calls Caroline’s cellphone*
Caroline: *ignores call*
Matt: *leaves Caroline’s*
Caroline: *wall slump* I hate the sun! *glances in camera's reflection* Although I must say this lighting is excellent for my complexion. And Make Up and Hair, you’ve really come a long way since painting blood all over my chin last week. Kisses! Love ya!
La Casa De Elena:
Elena is in her room packing for her road trip with Damon and Alaric to Duke. It’s important to pack at least three changes of clothing, an extra pair of underwear and a month’s worth of shampoo because this trip will take less than a day.
Elena: Maybe I shouldn’t go away while Caroline is so unstable.
Stefan: Aw, that’s so nice of you to remember Caroline’s having a more difficult time than you are. But Elena, if I ever saw you do anything that wasn’t at least 99% selfish, I’d die of shock.
Elena: No! No dying! Caroline can fend for herself!
YES! TEAM STEFALINE!
Aunt Jenna: WOOT! I’m in this episode and my make up looks fantastic.
Alaric: I’m in this scene to re-establish the awkward state of our romantic relationship.
Aunt Jenna: Oh phew. I was worried I might have a decent storyline this season.
Alaric: *beams* Where’s Jeremy?
Aunt Jenna: How should I know? What do I look like his Guardian?
Elena: He’s not in this episode.
Outside, Elena and Stefan have a totally crazy make out session right in front of Damon.
Elena: My intense kisses for Stefan are total proof that I love him and I don’t love you.
Stefan: My intense kisses for Elena are total proof of NANANABOOBOO! Vampire Champ!
Damon: You are both 12!
The Lockwood’s Incredibly Epic Sprawl of Land:
Tyler: Hey Mom, can I have a history lesson about the creepy chain dungeon underground that I never once before have seen even though its totally not hidden and I’ve lived here my entire life.
Mrs. Lockwood: Sweetheart, if they didn’t teach you about slaves in the South when you were in middle school, I can’t help you now.
Tyler: So it’s not to hold down Lockwood men when they turn into werewolves?
The Only Restaurant In Mystic Falls!!!!!!!
I missed this location! So glad to see it’s back!
Stefan: Bonnie, you have to make Caroline a magic day ring. She’s going to go nuts if she can’t pretend to tan during the day and then she’ll really kill some people.
Bonnie: I’m not helping her! That bi-atch killed my almost boyfriend last episode.
Stefan: Bonnie! You know that there’s no romance in your plotline. Come on!
Epic Road Trip to Duke aka the plot point that gives hope to Team Dalena!
Damon: Elena, you don’t like really hate me, do you?
Alaric: Dude, you killed her brother.
Damon: I not-killed him.
Elena: But you meant to kill-kill him.
Damon: No I meant to not-kill him.
Elena: You did not. You didn’t know he was wearing a magic ring. You did mean to kill-kill him.
La Casa De Caroline aka It's Always Sunny in Mystic Falls
Caroline: This is the fugliest ring I’ve ever seen and you want me to wear it for the rest of my immortal life?
Bonnie: Do you want to be in scenes with decent lighting for the rest of the season or not?
Caroline: FINE! But just so you know it matches NONE of my earrings.
Team Stefaline: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH!
Bonnie: *witches the ring into a magic ring* Done!
Caroline: Are you serious? That’s it? Are you sure you did the spell? Because you’ve lied about spells before and I want to make sure this worked because if you’re lying to me I will so befriend another witch and—
Bonnie: *opens the window*
Caroline: Oh. It worked. Did you know it had worked?
Bonnie: I was pretty sure.
Caroline: Pretty sure?!?!?!? Bonnie! WTF! *glances at camera reflection* Oh I look good. Never mind. Magic ring, you are my FAVORITE.
Alaric: I’m here to collect Isobel’s things.
Grad Student: K! Here’s her office. BRB…
Damon: Uh-oh! We should go...
And then the grad student returns holding one of those old fashioned wooden crossbows that Alaric loved shooting with in the first season and she aims for Elena but Damon vampirizes himself across the room and takes the hit.
Then Damon throws the Grad Student against the wall and somehow she ends up in another portion of the office with Alaric.
Elena: Hold still while I take this bow out of your back.
Damon: OW! OW I say! And did I say Ow! Because OW! Having an arrow in your back SUCKS!
Elena: You are such a baby. *pulls out the arrow*
Damon: *Shakes* *Shudders* *Jumps* WTFJKDIDJNSJDJHWTFTWKDODDUFJ
Elena: Also don’t kill the grad student or I’ll hate you forever
Damon: You already hate me forever
Elena: Yah, but…I…well…I… I’ll double hate you forever.
Damon: *Rolls eyebrows*
Meanwhile the Grad Student is having an all-out freak-out session. I saw Katherine! Katherine’s a vampire! Damon Salvatore died! Vampires are bad! I’ve seen Twilight! Please don’t kill me.
Mystic Falls Woods: Be VERY Quiet! We’re Hunting Wabbits.
Caroline: Are you serious? I haven’t seen the sun in days. My make up is perfect and this lighting is awesome. I’ve been doing the math and I’ve somehow managed to get equal screen time with Elena in this episode and you want to screw it all up and have me EAT BUNNIES?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Stefan: You’re so adorable as a vampire.
Team Stefaline: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stefan: Here’s the thing, according to Twilight mythology, which apparently we’re now borrowing though I never once remembered L.J. Smith saying anything about this, we take our strongest personality traits into immortal life and they become amplified. I cared very deeply for people when I was alive, so now I have super compassion, freaky blond hair, and I’m a medical doctor who saves lives.
Carlisle Cullen: Excuse me?!?!?!?
Edward: STOP STEALING OUR LINES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Caroline: CRAP! So I’m an insecure neurotic control freak on crack?
Rosalie: Back off, sister! That’s my life!
Caroline: Move it, bi-atch. I’m going bunny hunting!
Team Stefaline: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Grad Student: In this box is everything Isobel found out about her descendant Katherine.
Elena: Dusty. Oh and here’s some Anti-Damon so he doesn’t kill you.
Grad Student: Does Anti-Damon really work?
Grad Student: Can he hear us?
Frankie: Excuse me, I thought you were smart! You’re a grad student at freaking Duke University who researches vampires and you’re telling me you don’t know they have enhanced hearing!?!?! Bitch please!
Grad Student: Oh…well, can he read my mind?
Edward Cullen: *growls*
Damon: Well, I’m sure you’ve thought about me naked. *wink*
Heath Ledger: STOP stealing my lines!
Lockwood Mansion/Estate/Retreat/Town/Farm Swimming Party
Tyler: Girls have asses and asses are hot. Therefore girls are hot. OMG, I understand geometry.
Uncle Mason: Yo, Tyler, everyone needs to be off of our property before the full moon comes out.
Uncle Mason: Because I’m going to turn into a werewolf and everyone’s going to die.
Uncle Mason then drives away in his big bad truck and GLARES, wolfishly at Stefaline.
Stefan: Dude, did Mason Lockwood just Billy Black us?
Billy Black: If you cold-ones loving hooligans start stealing MY lines, there will be HELL to pay!
Mason: Chill out, Billy and hold onto your wheelchair. *VROOM*
Also STEFALINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *swoon*
Some Girl Named Amy: Hey Matt, I was hired as an extra so I could hit on you.
Caroline: *compels Amy to go after Not-Matt*
Matt: Caroline, what’s you’re deal? You ignored me all day and now you’re jealous? I thought we were over the drama but you’re acting super jealous now.
Caroline: It’s my vampire power. *pouts*
Damon: Too bad you hate me Elena, because I know something you don’t know.
Elena: Oh really, and what’s that?
Damon: That I am not left handed! Also, I have the info on Katherine you want but you have to promise to be my friend again.
Grad Student: Here’s some Aztec book with indigenous pictures because all werewolf legends come from South America. Also being a vampire is obviously awesome and being a werewolf is a curse. P.S. They bite and kill you dead, especially if you’re a
Lockwoods Werewolf Dungeon
Uncle Mason locks himself up in chains. Also, he is shirtless. NICE!
Then the moon rises and people start leaving the Lockwood’s massive property, except for Caroline, Stefan and Matt. Of course!
Stefan: *cell phone ring* Elena? My Lovely Love! I love you.
Elena: Mason is a werewolf and if he bites you, you die!
In the Woods:
Caroline: Matt, are you mad at me?
Matt: As long as you stop acting jealous and crap because I told you I loved you last episode so that should be enough.
Caroline: You’re right. Let’s make out.
Stefan: OMG! WHERE is Caroline?
Mason is running late. WHY is he running late? He’s a grown werewolf, he knows the schedule of the moon. There’s a lot of writhing and moaning and moving and some weird concoction he drinks that looks suspiciously like something Snape once brewed for Lupin and then Tyler is there bringing Amy INTO the dungeon because he's an idiot!
TYLER! You fail at life!!!!
Mason then escapes to his truck and tries to chain himself to a tree, because that’ll work and then the moon is too strong and he’s screaming in pain and he’s going to SHIFT! He’s going to totally shift and then…
Mason crawls in the van.
The werewolf shifting graphics: Have been cut for budget purposes. Please enjoy the view of the truck.
Elena: Hey Grad Student tell me about doppelgangers?
Grad Student: They torture the ones that they look like.
Damon: I know something you don’t know.
Elena: If you want to be my friend then tell me.
Over the Lockwood Wolf Dungeon
Tyler and Amy KISS!
Amy: Oh wait a second. I don’t like you. My head feels so strange. I like Matt. But you’re not-Matt.
Stefan: WHAT was that?
Frankie: I think it’s a wolf Stefan.
Stefan: It’s coming from the van!
Frankie: Yah! So DON’T GO NEAR THE VAN!!!
Stefan: Goes Near The Van
MasonWolf: Jumps through the van and over Stefan.
Stefan: The wolf is out of the van.
So the research day is over, Duke University is surprisingly quiet and empty—aren’t you kids studying? And then the Grad Student tries to pick Alaric up, down, left and right. But he isn't having it. She should talk to Aunt Jenna—the boy is dense.
Then Damon helps Elena into the car and gives her a Katherine book with Katherine’s real name Petrova on it.
Damon: Please tell me I haven’t lost you forever,
Damon’s Eyebrows: Wiggle, waggle, swerve, rise, fall, shake.
OMG, his eyebrows deserve an oscar!
Caroline: I love kissing Matt! It makes me so….horny. No. Hungry. Wait no, I’m horny! AH! I’m hungry! *tree shove*
The Tree: Don’t shove your man into me! *cut*
And then Caroline goes Vamp face and vampirizes Matt’s wrist and then his neck!
Stefan: Caroline! Nooooooooooooooooo
Caroline: Mine! Mine! Mine! Mi—ooooh crap!
Stefan: Matt, stay on the ground and play dead.
Stefan: Caroline, let’s run and get the werewolf to chase us and lead it away from Matt.
Tyler: Hey guys, what are you doing here?
Masonwolf leaps through the trees and jumps on Caroline.
Caroline: EEEEEEEWWWWWWWW! Wolf slobber!
Stefan: Here wolfy wolfy wolfy.
And Masonwolf runs away. He doesn’t seem so dangerous.
Then Caroline totally compels Matt to think he was bitten by a wolf---right… like Vickie was in season 1. Matt, you’re deductive skills are seriously lacking.
Caroline: I can’t believe I hurt Matt. I suck. I should leave him forever.
Stefan: Maybe. I should have left Elena. But I saw what happens to girls when their vampires break up with them in that movie and it was NOT pretty.
Tyler: Finds Mason’s shorts in his truck.
Mason: Is Naked. And Covered in Dirt!
Mason: Can you hand me my shorts?
Tyler: Dude! OMG! You’re…
Mason: I know. I’m a wolf.
Tyler: No man, you’re hung!
The Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls
Amy: Oh Matt! I can’t believe
Caroline: Seriously? SERIOUSLY? SER-I-OUSLY??????
Matt: That’s it, we are breaking up!
Caroline: *pouts* Oh hey! Camera! *Checks script* I got more screen time than Elena! It's a miracle!Yaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!!
La Casa De Elena:
Alaric: Aunt Jenna! *KISS*
Aunt Jenna: YAY!
On the Porch:
Damon: Road trips rule!
Elena: Not when you’re involved. I hate you. Unless you tell me the truth. Did you know Jeremy was wearing a magic ring?
Elena: Ok thanks. FYI I hate you!
Damon: Then what was the point of today?
Elena: To give false hope to Team Dalena.
Team Dalena: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Caroline’s Room: It’s Always Sunny In Mystic Falls
Caroline: *wakes up and rubs eyes* Elena? Get out of my room! You just upped your screen time!
Katherine: Not. Elena.