Elena’s House of Woe
Aunt Jenna: *
Is not in this episode Will NEVER be in another episode ever again*
Damon: So just wanted to say I’m sorry that Aunt Jenna died, even though I fought relentlessly to put Bonnie in her place for several episodes. Also I’m sorry that I forced you to drink my blood. Also that I used the last of your favorite hair conditioner, The peach kind. Can you forgive me?
Elena: I need some time. Like maybe not until midway through next season.
Damon: So not in the next 47 minutes before I die from a wolf’s bite.
Damon: Right. Kay. Take your time.
Folky Girl Music: *Is Playing*
Damon: Seriously? They’re playing folk girl music? As if my wolf’s bite wasn’t bad enough? There goes my masculinity. I’m going to kill myself. *removes ring* *steps into light* *BURNS*
Stefan: *Suicidal-Vampire-Brother-Wall-Slam* Come on, man. Didn’t last week’s episode teach you anything?
Damon: Never trust a vampire who claims he’s a boyscout?
Stefan: No! That the writers can create season 3 contracts out of anything. Trust me. We’re getting you a cure. But in the meantime….
Damon: *is locked in the dungeon*
Edward and Bella’s Meadow of Love
Klaus: Werewolf hangovers? YES!
Elijah: Not mooning your brother? Yes! *tosses clothes*
Klaus: Being able to change into a wolf whenever the writers find it convenient? YES!
Elijah: Taking me to the bodies of our siblings? Yes?
Klaus: Invincible werepire here. I do what I want!
Elijah: But our agreement…
Klaus: *zips up pants*
The Only Restaurant In
Alaric: *drinks* I am officially the most useless character on this show.
bit Damon and he’s going to die. So become useful. Tyler
Alaric: I’ll try…but my script says otherwise…
Jeremy: Why does
plan so many crazy events? Mystic Falls
Elena: Well it’s either that or bore the residents enough to realize they attend funerals every other day for people who died of vampire, werewolf, witch, or warlock. And one car accident.
Caroline: Also costumes! Yay!
Salem Witches Plot Point Redux
Stefan: So just ask Emily to give you a cure, kay?
Bonnie: *speaks in
witch freshmen level Latin*
Bonnie: *eyes widen*
Bonnie-Emily: It is I. Emily.
Stefan: Sup? Can you give Bonnie Damon’s Season 3 Contract?
Bonnie-Emily: No! The producers are already pissed we stole Elena’s season 3 non-vampire contract last episode.
Stefan: That’s not fair!
Emily: *witch headaches Bonnie*
Bonnie: AAAAAAAAH! Crap! They locked me out of the file room, said I’m abusing their power. But…if you find Klaus that might work too.
Mrs. Lockwood: So I have officially run out of ideas for events to host in
which means people are going to start realizing the actual death toll around here. Fix the whole vampire situation! Mystic Falls
Officer Forbes: Once I figure out how to kill my daughter I’m on it!
Gone With the Wind
Elena: Stefan! I KNEW this was your favorite movie.
Stefan: Actually I came here to tell you that Damon’s dying and Klaus may have a cure, so I have to go find Klaus and do whatever I can to save Damon and further my quest for redemption. Also can you baby-sit the rabies infested delusional dying vampire because you were so good at it the last time that happened?
Flashback to the Year When Damon Gets a Load of Katherine’s Cleavage
Katherine: My corset is loose. Will you tighten it?
Damon: Hehe! I’ve never even seen a woman’s ankle before! Don’t tell Stefan.
Katherine: But I want you both. Elena? Why are you in this flashback?
Elena: To prove that Damon is delusional.
Damon: I’m still dying, aren’t I? Crap!
Klaus-Alaric’s Apartment of Katherine Still Can’t Leave
Stefan: I need to find Klaus.
Katherine: Why am I still stuck here?
Klaus: I’m here!
Stefan: Klaus! Help me save my brother.
Elijah: Yeah, help him save his brother. And reunite me with our family.
Klaus: Kay. *stabs Elijah* You are now reunited! *Stefan-wall-slam-stab*
Katherine: Yay! I love it when not-me is being tortured!
Stefan: Help me get Damon his season 3 contract and I’ll get you a season 3 contract as well.
Klaus: Hmmmm. I did spend most of this season being played by Alaric. I have more facial expressions I’ve been working on and an array of nude post-wolf scenes.
Damon: I’m dyinnnnngggg. But I deserve it. I vampirized your wife. And got Aunt jenna killed. Also, I kick puppies.
Alaric: Yah, sorry. Not going to assist in your suicidal tendencies this episode.
Damon: I want Elena to baby-sit me!
Elena: I’m here!
Frankie: Dude, Elena heard about Damon in the morning and now it’s night. What on earth has she been doing all these hours?
Officer Forbes: Gotcha! Where’s Damon?
Alaric: Oh crap. You don’t want to see Damon now.
Officer Forbes: *burst into the suicide chamber*
Damon: Hi Liz! *Wall-Slam* *Escapes*
Gone With the
Mystic Falls Marathon
Call from Alaric: Dying Damon escaped!
Bonnie: Crap, I better go find him. Wait here, Jeremy.
Jeremy: If you trick me into staying behind again we’re breaking up!
Peeta Mellark: You tell her!
Klaus-Alaric’s Apartment of Vampire Let’s Make a Deal
Klaus: I once heard of a vampire who was the awesomesauce and killed everyone he saw. He would burst into a town and eat everyone. He turned white-blond British men into vampires named Spike, and drove virgins insane until they became crazy vampires named Drusilla.
Klaus: Oh, wait…wrong show. I mean, there was this one vampire who was so bad ass he once partied with Bon Jovi in a hot tub full of fudge.
Stefan: That was me!
Klaus: Yeah, so if you become that super bad vampire again…I will make you a deal!
Gone With the Delusions
Damon: Am I in a flashback? Katherine?
Jeremy: Gotcha. Come on, Damon.
Officer Forbes: All vampires must be killed!
Random Officer: Damon’s been spotted at the TORIMF.
Elena: Let me come with you. He’s sick. I can help. Oh ok…yeah, I’ll just stay here…I'm only the STAR of the show... *pouts*
The Only Restaurant in
Officer Forbes: Freeze!
Damon: *does not freeze*
Officer Forbes: *shoots*
Jeremy: *is hit*
Officer Forbes: OMG!
Caroline: It’s okay, he’s wearing his not-dying ring.
Bonnie: It won’t work!
Caroline: UGH! Those rings never work! Here….have some blood.
Jeremy: *is dead*
Alaric: WTF!?!? Ok let’s get our boy to the witch’s cave of secret spells and find his season 3 contract.
Elena: Chair, meet Window. *Smash*
Klaus: So here’s Damon’s cure…my blood. But I’ll only trade you for 10 years of mayhem.
Stefan: In my quest for redemption to save my brother, I will kill everyone I see for 10 years.
Frankie: Dude….this so won’t redeem you.
Klaus: *throws blood bag* Drink up!
Stefan: *slurp slurp* RAAWWWRRRR
Bonnie’s Secret Cave of Salem Witch Burial Plot Points
Bonnie: AAAAAH! The witches are mad I came back. They won’t save Jeremy.
Alaric: Jeremy can’t die! Fans won’t want to watch Elena do a funeral scene two weeks in a row!
Bonnie: The witches say there will be consequences. AAAAH! Help! I’ve never had a romantic storyline before! Don’t take it away!
Bonnie’s Nose: *bleeds*
The Lights: *go off*
Jeremy: *Is alive* Oh hey guys.
Bonnie: My romantic storyline is back!
Flashback to the Year When Damon Frolics In the Woods With Katherine
Damon: Katherine! Wait! The oak tree is supposed to be base.
Katherine: Tag, you’re it!
Damon: I love you, Katherine.
Elena: Damon! It’s Elena. Why does every rabies-infected vampire always mistake the two of us. I mean I know we’re played by the same actress, but hello…when I’m Elena I have the boring hair.
Damon: I want to be a vampire, Katherine. I’m going to bite you.
Damon: *nom nom nom*
Elena: WTF! Washing blood from my hair is really hard!
The Only Restaurant in
Caroline: Don’t worry mom, Jeremy’s alive. You’re not a cold blooded killer.
Officer Forbes: Phew! For a second I thought I had killed him.
Caroline: Oh you totally did. But unlike you stupid humans and your murdering guns, us supernaturals have healing powers. Also, I think it’s about time you stop wanting to kill me.
Officer Forbes: *hug*
Jeremy: *skypes Bonnie* Thank you so much for saving my life, Bonnie!
Bonnie: You’re welcome. Sex tomorrow? And the day after that? And the day after that?
Jeremy: I love being alive!
Alaric: Since some vamps and a werepire are still in my apartment, I’m sleeping over.
Jeremy: Ok. Thanks for carrying my dead butt around to be saved.
Alaric: You’re welcome. Sex tomorrow? And the day after that? And the day after that?
Frankie: That was officially Alaric’s best moment ever!
Damon: Leave me, Elena. I’ll hurt you.
Elena: No! I demand a death-bed cuddle!
Damon: Ok. Mumble mumble sorry….mumble…my fault…mumble mumble always thought you were hot….mumble redemption
Klaus’s Apartment of Devil Deal Making
Stefan: No more blood! I’m full!
Klaus: One more baggie….
Stefan: This is going to kill my diet!
Klaus: Here Katherine, go bring the cure to Damon.
Stefan: She’ll never take it to him!
Klaus: And you think I care?
Damon: I’m sorry Elena.
Elena: I forgive you.
Damon: I love you, you know.
Elena: I know.
Team Dalena: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Damon: If you had met me in 1864 you would have really liked me.
Elena: I totally like you now.
Katherine: Hey guys, brought your cure! Also Stefan ran off with Klaus to kill people for a decade. So I guess you have a new boyfriend now. Man…the thing about death bed love confessions…is you should wait until people are ACTUALLY on their death bed. Toodles.
Damon and Elena: *awkward*
Klaus: Ok now to prove me to you’re really Angelus, not Angel…I mean Stefan…eat this girl.
Stefan: *nom nom*
Elena’s House of Season 1 Contracts Renewed
Jeremy: *wakes up* Did you hear something? *walks downstairs…*
Jeremy: OMG! I see dead