Opening Credits: The Lockwolfs Chamber of No Dogs Allowed in This Doghouse
! Calm the crap down! Tyler
Matt: *shoots gun*
Caroline: Matt! How many times do I have to tell you! Don’t shoot your friends.
Klaus-Alaric’s Apartment of Last Week’s Recap
Damon: So then last episode
came back and wolfed out and bit me and now I’m going to die. Also you suck because you called Aunt Jenna for Klaus even though I totally gave you Anti-Damon to prevent stupid crap like this from happening. Tyler
Damon: I hate you!
Pier of Werepire Making
Aunt Jenna: What the crap! You called me, Elena, but it wasn’t you, and then some vampire with a lion-like face grabbed me and made me drink his blood and insulted my shoes and now I can’t remember anything. Am I really a vampire?
Elena: Um, yeah. It happens to people who know me. A lot. But don’t worry. I’m going to save you.
Gretta: Hungry, Aunt Jenna? *wrist slash* Drinky drinky the nice blood.
Elena: I’m going to save you, Aunt Jenna!
Aunt Jenna: My vampire eyes suggest otherwise…
Bonnie’s Underground Cave of Witch-Sex
Jeremy: All of these spell books are totally useless.
Bonnie: I know. But at least we hit that awesome sale at Candle Barn!
Elijah: So at this point we’re pretty screwed unless Bonnie witches Klaus dead.
Stefan: I can’t let an innocent life, as well as our token black character go to waste.
Phone call from Damon: So ummmm, Klaus has Aunt Jenna.
Elijah and Stefan: *look at Alaric*
Alaric: What? Why are you all looking at me? I’m not allowed to say anything useful.
Pier of Werepire Making
Aunt Jenna: I feel like me, but way better. My pores are smaller, my skin is sparkly… I feel invincible, like nothing can harm me, like I'm made of marble.
Elena: Wrong vampire mythology.
Aunt Jenna: I’m going to die aren’t I?
Jules: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! What did you do to me? AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Gretta: Witched your wolfing to slow down. Also, according to the script you have no more lines. You’re only allowed to moan and groan.
Klaus: Hello ladies! *obligatory bad guy grin*
Caroline: Matt, how did you know about vampires and werewolves? I compelled you to forget all that stuff four episodes ago.
Matt: Your mom gave me Anti-Damon and I remembered everything.
Caroline: So you accept my vampireness?
Matt: It’s too early in the episode to relieve that much tension with an actual answer.
Damon: This wolf bite is SO not sexy.
Uncle John: WTF! Why isn’t Elena safe?
Damon: She’ll be ok. I forced her to drink my blood and it’ll vampirize her.
Uncle John: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Damon: Don’t get mad…but there’s more…
Pier of Werepire Making
Klaus: It took me 500 years to find this freaking moonstone. Who knew that all along it was just sitting in the back of the Props Department.
Gretta: Let’s start this spell!
Jules: Auuuuuggghhh! OOOOOH! EEEEEWWWW! AAAAHHH! OOOOH! *wolfs out*
Aunt Jenna: FML! FML! FML! FML!
Bonnie’s Underground Lair of We Swear It’s Not a Fire Hazard
Jeremy: Look, a resurrection spell in the spell books.
Alaric: Um, Jeremy… You know how characters you care about have a tendency to die?
Bonnie: OMG, Klaus has Aunt Jenna? Well I totally need to witch him dead, even if it kills me!
Stefan: NO! Even though it’s totally the way to save everyone’s life and my lady love and the lives of millions who will suffer from the existence of a werepire on the loose I will not let you die!
Bonnie: Stefan, you make no sense.
Stefan: I’ll just trade places with Aunt Jenna.
Pier of Werepire Making
Aunt Jenna: So when the lawyer was like oh hai! You’re going to be the guardian for these two nightmare children now, the correct answer was RUUUUUUUUUNNNNN! Worst guardian ever! I totally failed you.
Elena: Nah, I’m the star of the show. It’s all about me. So actually, I failed you. Anyway here’s the deal. You’re a vamp, so you have super powers now. Just use them to run away.
Mansion of Naked Wolfing
Caroline: Does my mom want to kill me?
Tyler: *is now just
* *is NAKED!!!!!* Tyler
Caroline: Quick! Matt, give me your coat.
The Coat: *cock blocks*
Elijah: Stefan, you are like the dumbest character on this show, but you’re so very honorable.
Stefan: You too, man! But Klaus is your brother. Are you sure you’ll actually kill him like you said and not at the last second decide to jump ship and save him and return to be a villain in season 3?
Elijah: Hmmmm. Excuse me while I call my agent. *phone call* Yes, yes...good plan! *snaps phone shut* No. Don’t worry. I will totally kill my brother. He killed the rest of my family and scattered their bodies into places I can’t ever find. And even if he promises to help me find their bodies, I will totally kill him.
Bonnie’s Underground Lair
Uncle John: *searches for way to save Elena*
Damon: We HAVE to save Elena! And Aunt Jenna! Why are we wasting time? Bonnie can witch him dead!
Alaric: But then Bonnie dies.
Damon: WHY can’t Bonnie die? WHY? I’ll vampirize her too! Seriously, just let her save the day already.
Kevin Williamson: Oh crap, I hadn’t thought about Bonnie as a vampire. That kind of makes sense. What should we do?
Script Advisor: Ignore logic.
Kevin Williamson: *writes more illogical reasons why Bonnie cannot die*
Damon’s Eyes: *are CRAZY*
Crashing the Werepire Pier Party
Klaus: Now I’ll kill Aunt Jenna.
Stefan: About that….
Klaus: I hate people crashing my party that’s in a wide open public space, especially when their names appear before mine in the credits!
Bonnie’s Underground Chamber
Uncle John: Look, I found it! Emily’s spell of renewed contracts for season 3: non-vampire edition.
Jeremy: So Elena will live?
Damon: I can’t believe this WTF-ery beats out my awesome plan of Let Bonnie Die!
Werepire Pier Crashers
Elena: Aunt Jenna, listen to Stefan and Klaus’s convo!
Aunt Jenna: How? They’re like really far away.
Elena: You have super vampire hearing.
Aunt Jenna: I do?
Elena: Yeah, now use it to hear what they’re saying.
Aunt Jenna: I can’t hear anything.
Elena: Can you do ANYTHING well?
Aunt Jenna: Act clueless and let the bad guy in?
Lockwolf Mansion of It’s Not You, It’s Me. I’m Allergic to Vampires
Caroline: So now that you know everything and you see I’m still me, can we be together?
Matt: The thing is, being with you these last few episodes, they’ve really amped up my google search status, but being part of the supernatural storylines on this show requires too many scenes. And I have trouble remembering my lines.
Bonnie: *witches Uncle John’s head*
Damon: Hurry up! And this whole season 3 contract renewal non-vampire edition better work!
Bonnie: Done! Let’s go.
Bonnie: Sorry, Jeremy. You’re not in this scene. *Kiss-witches Jeremy unconscious*
Alaric: Poor guy! *Is Witch-locked in the house*
Bonnie: Sorry, Alaric. You’re not in this scene either.
Alaric: Are you SERIOUS!?!!?!?
Budget Cuts: Hehehehe
Pier Party of Werepire Making
Klaus: So instead of staking Aunt Jenna, I’m going to stake Stefan.
Aunt Jenna: Yeah, stake him, stake him!
Elena: Not my boytoy! Take my aunt!
Klaus: You are the worst main character ever! *stakes Stefan*
Stefan’s Agent: Um, according to his contract, he cannot die.
Klaus: Hmmm, well...then I staked him in a way where he’ll live and also I’ll mumble about vague reasons why I’d like him alive. Satisfied?
Stefan’s Agent: Sounds good. Bye!
Aunt Jenna: Don’t worry, Elena. I’m a vampire now. I have super powers. I know what to do!
Elena: Good, fight your way out of here and run!
Aunt Jenna: *vampirizes Gretta*
Elena: That’s NOT running!
Aunt Jenna: *is pushed by Klaus* *just lays there* *does not move* *could escape, but does not escape* *lays there some more* *is dead*
Elena: *sob* You were the worst
guardian vampire ever!
Stefan: On the plus side, I’m still alive!
Klaus: Come here, Elena. Now you and I are one.
Elena: One what? Cute couple? I don’t think so!
Buffy: Can you PLEASE stop stealing my lines.
Stefan: Nooooo! I was going to
tap that drink that later!
I. Am. Werepire!
Bonnie: Time for my bad-ass witch scene! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
Bonnie: *is BAMF*
Damon: Hi Gretta! Bye Gretta!
Gretta: *is dead*
Damon: Ok, mostly-dead-Elena. I’m here to save you. *carries her off into the sunset*
Team Dalena: *SWOONS*
Stefan: I need to stay in this scene until Klaus is dead. Also...can't. move. legs.
Elijah: Ok, Bonnie. You can stop. I’ll take it from here and kill my brother dead.
Klaus: No! If you kill me, I’ll never tell you where I hid the bodies of all our brothers and sisters. Also our mom. And the one grandmother who used to send women for our harem on our birthdays every year.
Bonnie: Save him, Elijah and I’ll witch you both dead.
Elijah: *escapes with Klaus*
Stefan: There goes his boy-scout badge!
Jeremy: Dude…you know that by saving Elena with a WTF-ery season 3 non-vampire contract that you’ll die, Uncle John?
Uncle John: Yah. But I’ll get a slow death scene. Give this letter and ring to Elena when she wakes up.
Alaric: Why am I in this scene?
Damon: *lays Elena on couch* You better not be a vampire when you wake up! Oh and sorry guys, Aunt Jenna died.
Uncle John: GG! Time for my death scene!
Elena: *wakes up* Yay! Still the star of the show!
Uncle John: *dies*
Caroline: Matt broke up with me. Will you be my boyfriend now?
Elena’s House of I NEVER Thought I’d Wear My Funeral Dress THIS Many Times
Elena: Jeremy, I’m super sorry you keep having people die because I’m the star of the show and everything is about me.
Jeremy: It’s cool. The more characters that die, the more screen time I get.
Elena: *Reads Uncle John’s Letter*
Uncle John’s Dead-Letter-Voice Over
So I was like totally lame as a parent and only guest starred on a few episodes. But I loved you a lot and I left you this ring so you can have a baby and give it to that baby one day because the main reason you lived and I died was so you could make babies which means you cannot be with Stefan forever because only Cullens make babies. Ok?
Elena: *puts flowers of EVERY grave of every parent she ever had*
Damon: I gotta go now, Stefan.
Stefan: What? You’re not sticking around to comfort Elena in her time of need?
Damon: Yeah about that…I’m dying too.
Stefan: NO! I will find a cure! We saved Elena with WTF-ery. It will work for you too!
Damon: Ok. But first I need to walk symbolically through this graveyard.