The Camera: *slow pans*
Frankie and Donna: *drools*
Damon: Oh for God sakes. My eyes are up HERE! And they're CRAZY!
Elijah: I'll recap what we learned last week so the camera can pan over everyone in this room.
Damon: I vote Bonnie uses the Klaus-Killing Spell she acquired 4 episodes ago to kill Klaus.
Elena: No! Bonnie can't or she'll die.
Bonnie: Don't worry. I'm not even in this episode.
Damon: WTF?!?!?Ok Rings of I Cannot Die?
Elijah: For vague unknown reasons, they would not work.
Damon: WTF!!!?!??????? Has anyone seen Uncle John?
Uncle John: I'm not in this episode.
Stefan: Hey, Elijah, would you recap what we need for the sacrifice so the camera can see me and Elena give meaningful looks.
Recipe for a Sacrifice
1 werewolf, dead
1 vampire, dead
1 witch, black
1 moonstone, aged
1 doppelganger, drained
Add ingredients to season 1 tomb, stir with witchy powers, until smooth. Sprinkle moonlight, refrigerate and let sit for two hours. When Werepire emerges, let cool before wolfing.
Damon: WHY doesn't anyone but me care that at the end of this sacrifice Elena will be dead.
Elijah: Nah, it's cool. I have an elixir of not-dying she can take. She'll only be mostly dead. Then not.
Damon: This elixir expired in 1875.
Miracle Max: All elixir sales are final!
Maddox The Warlock: Now say 'Tyler, come home. Because I have a boo boo.'
Mrs. Lockwood: I do?
Maddox The Warlock: *gives her a boo boo*
Damon: We cannot trust Elijah! His elixir expired. We already killed him. I never even apologized. Trust me, this is bad.
Stefan: But Elena trusts him. And I trust Elena.
Damon: So you owe the 17 year old girl whose favorite thing to do on a Saturday night is almost die?
Elijah: Are you sure about being in Klaus' Werepire Making, Doppelganger Killing Sacrifice Ritual?
Elena: Totes. I'm the star of the show.
Elijah *checks expiration date on elixir* Oh good...
The Hallway of Mistaken Identity
Aunt Jenna: Get AWAY from me, Alaric or I'll crossbow your butt!
Alaric: No! No. It's really me this time. Not Klaus.
Aunt Jenna: Prove it.
Alaric: Dumbledore's last words before he died were 'Trust in Harry. He is our best hope.'
Alaric: You have a tattoo on your--
Aunt Jenna: OK!
Alaric: Also Klaus says 'What's up?' And 'I'll be a Werepire tonight. Wheee.'
Mystic Falls Hospital
Mrs. Lockwood: My boo boo didn't leave me dead! TYLER!
Tyler: Hey Mom, I'm guest starring in this episode.
The Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls
Frankie: WOW! This place looks amazing. You'd never know it burned down 3 episodes ago...
Kevin Williamson: Oh...did we write that this place burned down?
Script Adviser: Ummmm yes... Just...pretend like it never happened.
Kevin Williamson: Good call. Guys, the TORIMF never burned down.
TORIMF: Then who is going to explain these burns on my butt?
Caroline: Hi Matt! *KISS*
Matt: Ouch. Your fangs touched my tongue.
Matt: I mean...wow you're molars are so flat! GG!
Officer Forbes: Are you ready to be inducted into the super secret All Vampires Die Club?
Matt: Ummm... Caroline just seems so nice and pretty...I'm having second thoughts?
Officer Forbes: Fine. It looks like I'll have to kill my daughter myself.
Matt: And I thought they were the evil ones...
Alaric: So when I was KlausAlaric....I didn't do anything weird, did I?
Damon's Room of Wait...Wasn't It Downstairs Last Week? Can we get a blueprint on
Damon: Elena don't do this sacrifice thing. It'll kill you dead.
Elena: Nah...I'm the star of the show. And worst comes to worse, I can always play the original doppelganger...
Damon: I won't risk your life!
Elena: I will!
***DRAMATIC HAND HOLDING***
Damon: WAIT a minute....I have an AWESOME plan!
Damon: *Wrist Bite*
Elena: Noooooooooo *Drinks Damon's Blood*
Stefan: *Vampire Throw*
The Wall: OOOMPH!
Damon: What is your problem? I totally just saved the day.
Stefan: You're forcing her to be a vampire!
Elena: Your blood tastes like burger! I don't like you anymore.
Damon: Why are you complaining? Being a vampire is awesome! Sure you have an eternity of self hatred and drinking rabbit veins, but you'll always be young and dazzling!
Elena: GTFO Bella!
*Face Punch* *Face Punch* *Stake in Stefan's Stomach*
In the Kitchen of Oh Crap!
Elijah: You know....she's going to hate you now for forever. And when you're a vampire...forever is a very long time. Forever for a vampire is like FORever. And ever...and ever...and ever...
Damon: Dude, I get it.
The Hallway of I'm Sorry I Dumped You Because I Thought Your Dead Wife Came Back to Life
Alaric: So you're probably traumatized by all of this right?
Aunt Jenna: Are you kidding? This totally means we get back together now!
Mystic Falls Hospital
Tyler: Now that my mom is going to live there's no reason to hang around this episode any longer.
Jules: Damn straight! The last time wolves guested starred on this show they died!
Caroline: TYLER! OMG you're here why didn't you say goodbye or tell me you were coming and I remember when we kissed and OMG...wait...you're leaving? We have unresolved story lines!
Tyler: *Attempts to increase dramatic tension with use of just his eyes*
Maddox the Warlock: *Witch Headaches them onto their knees*
The Only Restaurant in Mystic Falls
Matt: *calls Caroline* Where are you? We have to talk!
Caroline: *cannot answer her phone now*
Damon: Give me a drink. I need to drink.
Alaric: Yeah, way to screw up EVERYTHING.
Damon: Dude...at least I wasn't possessed by lame-o vampire villain.
Klaus: Excuse me?
Damon: So you're the actor playing Klaus this episode.
Klaus: In the flesh. Also...don't screw up my Werepire making tonight or I'll kill you dead.
Damon: About that...you think we could postpone the ritual to next season?
Damon: Yeah...didn't think so. *turns to Alaric* I'm totally going to screw up the Werepire making tonight.
Alaric: Certain death, crazy old vampire who will kill us dead? Sign me up!
Mystic Falls Woods of Set Expansion
Stefan: Don't you love it when the producers let us film in new locations?
Elena: No! We had to walk all the way here and my legs are tired. I'm not a vampire yet.
Stefan: We must discuss what it will mean for you to become a vampire tonight. And look there is a waterfall we can use as a backdrop for the metaphor of your life running over a ledge.
Elena: That's a horrible metaphor.
Stefan: Fine! We're climbing to the top though anyway.
Elena: Excuse me?
Bella: Edward....I think you need to intervene.
Edward: Pardon me, Stefan, but according to The Twilight Saga: The Official Illustrated Guide, a vampire must never allow his lady love to step foot in the woods on her own, but must insist on racing her up the hill on his back until she is ready to puke and he can lay in the sun and sparkle.
Stefan: *takes Elena's hand* We're just going to walk over here...
Katherine: Alaric, you're back? Are you really that desperate for screen time?
Damon: I needed him to invite me inside.
Damon: *shoves Katherine against the wall* You're going to tell me everything I need to know now.
Katherine: I am?
Damon: Yes, because otherwise Elena will be a vampire tonight and once she does you won't have the prettiest hair anymore.
Katherine: Ok! Ok! Caroline and Tyler are locked in the tomb
The Tomb of Story Exposition
Tyler: So us being tied up in here I'm guessing is bad?
Caroline: Yeah. Klaus is going to kill us.
Tyler: Who's Klaus?
Mystic Falls Falls
Elena: So is being a vampire awesome?
Stefan: Totes. You get to be young, strong, and pretty forever. And you get really great hair and can party with Bon Jovi.
Elena: Any negatives?
Stefan: There is the whole vervain allergy...
Elena: I see... So no negatives?
Stefan: Not really
Klaus: Did you take vervain?
Klaus: Go stand in the sun!
Katherine: What-NO-I mean...yeah ok...sure...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH
Klaus: Oh good. Ok, now make a phone call for me.
Outside the Tomb of I'm The Hero. No I'M The Hero!
Maddox The Warlock: Did you come here for a rescue?
Maddox: *Witch Headaches*
Matt: I have a gun!
Damon: WTF are you doing in this scene?
Matt: Saving the day?
Damon: Give me that!
Inside the Tomb of Remember that Story Line with the Love Triangle?
Caroline: So then we found out that Elijah was Klaus's brother and he wrote the Sun and Moon Curse after he had this dream about a girl and a vampire sitting in a meadow and it was translated into over 60 languages and made into medieval plays and then silent French films in the 1920's that are out of print. Also he's going to make us dead.
Tyler: So since you and Matt are about to get back together is it cool if I cause romantic tension?
Damon: Here I come to save the day! Mighty Damon on his way! Also WTF did you tell your boyfriend, Caroline?
Tyler: Can we hurry this dialogue up? I need to get chained before the wolfing occurs and I don't want to rip my jeans.
Mystic Falls Falls
Elena: So like...I actually don't want to be a vampire. I want to grow old and make choices and decide things for myself and have a life and live.
Stefan: Explain to me again how your original plan to die in the sacrifice allowed for this?
The Lockwolf Woods of The Moon Also Rises
Damon: Is it just me or was it daylight 1 minute ago.
Caroline: Damn time changes used for raising dramatic tension!
Tyler: I'm turning into a wolf! *bones crack*
Klaus: Sup, Elena? Ready to make me a Werepire?
Stefan: Wait! I found my balls. You. Can't. Take. Her.
Elena: Actually you can.
Stefan's Balls: *Are MIA again*
Elena: Close your eyes...*tear* close your eyes...*KISS*
Buffy: Way to steal my line!
Angel: Dude...don't close your eyes...
Stefan: *closes his eyes*
Elena: *is gone*
Stefan: *calls Damon* Waaaah! Klaus took Elena
Damon: Did you fight him?
Damon: WTF. I need to go. While you were climbing the Mystic Falls Falls all day I went and rescued the vampire and werewolf he was going to use in the sacrifice. Because I'm the bomb.
Tyler: WOLFING! NOW!
Damon: Ok GG! Caroline and Matt--get into the Chamber Pot of Wolf Secrets.
Damon: You can't do the ritual tonight. I stole your wolf and vampire and also killed your witch.
Klaus: Psssh. You think after 10,000 years of waiting I wouldn't have a Plan B.
Damon: Dude, I don't know. You also thought dedicating songs at a 60's dance was scary.
Caroline: In the wolf chamber!
Matt: This is not fun. This is not fun. This is not...OW!
Caroline: Tyler! Bad dog!
Katherine: So don't be mad or anything but I kind of made a very bad phone call.
Damon: Did it start with an 800 number?
Lockwolf Woods of WerePire Making
Gretta: Come on, Elena
Elena: Dude...you know your brother and dad were trying to save you except we totally killed them.
Gretta: Eh...not so much caring...
Elena: It's SO dark. Can't you witch some lights on.
Fires: * Are lit*
Aunt Jenna: *Is there*
Gretta: She's totally turning into a vampire right now.
Aunt Jenna: I should have stayed home today.
Klaus' Apartment of OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Damon: WTF? Why didn't Klaus kill me?
Katherine: Because you're dying...
Damon's Arm: We've been wolf-bitten! We've been wolf-bitten.
Damon: This is the worst. day. ever.
Witch House of UnDead-Ness
Bonnie: Are we ever going to get out of here and save the day?
Jeremy: MOAR sex!