So Emily's mom thought the liars should all go for a walk or a hike or something, and find a spot in the woods where they can build a shrine to Allison--because these rich girls spend so much time roughing it in the wild?
The girls discuss how they are freaked out and scared and dude, I would be too if I was getting psycho text messages from my dead best friend or whoever A is. Anyway Hanna seems to think Allison is still alive but everyone else is like ummm hello we totally went to the funeral, she's dead and then they hear a noise and get scared and then A texts them.
Text Message From A:
It's open season for Liars and I'm hunting.
A, you're having way too much fun with this and please don't let your text messages be this cheesy for the rest of the episode. Okay?
La Casa De Hanna
Detective Wilden is standing in the kitchen IN A TOWEL totally naked except for his TOWEL! And he is contemplating the spreadability of some kind of butter substance. Clearly a deep thinker.
Hanna is appropriately mortified. And thankfully Mrs. Marin steps in to act like the mother and tells Detective TOWEL to get dressed.
Hanna: Mom, please kick him out! Isn't one boinking enough for grand sunglasses theft?
Mrs. Marin: He hasn't gotten the store to drop the charges yet. Until there are no charges, there WILL be boinking. Now go to school!
Hanna: Fine, but I'm totally not getting him a father's day card.
Mrs. Marin: If anyone deserves a card it's me!
I don't know, Mrs. Marin, I mean I don't like Detective
At some café:
So Aria and her parents are chilling outside while she peeps through To Kill a Mockingbird and has an awkward conversation with her dad about how she really likes her English teacher--because he is so deep, not because he's such a great kisser. And then Meredith of the FLASHBACK to the YEAR when ALLISON caught your dad cheating on your mom shows up and needs a referral. Riiiiiight.
At Spencer's House
Melissa is a total wreck since now her engagement to Wren has been called off thanks to her boyfriend stealing sister and oops, it looks like someone ran the engagement announcement anyway--HOW EMBARASSING!
Melissa: I hate you! You ruined my entire life! You are the bane of my existence!
Spencer: OMG, your fiancée kissed ME! I’m innocent here.
Melissa: How do you change your relationship status on facebook?
Also Spencer’s dad went running without her and her mom is demanding Spencer leave for school now.
Spencer: Has been shunned.
And she’s not even Amish!
Outside Rosewood High:
Mona: I need a date for the party—I can’t stand around and watch while you and Sean go at it in the bushes.
Hanna: No you can’t because A) that would be hella creepy and B) we’re not doing it.
Mona: *eyes bug out* You’re not having the sex with him?
Hanna: *sighs* No, Sean’s read Twilight too many times.
Then Emily arrives at school and runs into Maya and her boyfriend Ben and there is flirting and a decision for all of them to go to the party.
We move inside to see all of Spencer’s books fall out of her locker to remind us that Spencer is an overachiever—also her lack of organized books are meant to signify that she is falling behind in school. Spence, my locker looked like that all the time, even when I was on my A-game!
Then Toby walks by with Jenna and…
Flashback to the Year of The Jenna Thing
Coming out of the burning tree house (bombed by Ali) is Toby carrying a newly blinded Jenna!
Then Detective Wilden, wearing more than a towel comes by to take Hanna away for more questioning. Meanwhile the rest of the liars are suspicious of Hanna.
Aria: Why did he only want to talk to her?
Emily: Maybe she’s guilty, does she know something we don’t?
Spencer: Hanna has a big mouth, she’ll be the first to crack.
Jenna: Whisper, whisper…it’s just like when Allison was around…
Detective Wilden: So I see from these pictures I stole from your house that you used to be fat.
Hanna: WTF! You can’t have those pictures there from my house.
Detective Wilden: You look a lot like Allison used to…did you ever see her as competition?
Hanna: Seriously? You’re suggesting some crazy Single White Female plot of me killing Allison so I could become her?
Flashback To The Year When Hanna Was Fat (For Real)
Ok, so Hanna is always supposed to be fat in these flashbacks but all I’ve seen so far are some baggy t-shirts, however in THIS flashback! OMG! It looks like Wardrobe stuffed a pillow down her shirt, or she went shopping in Santa’s closet!
Fat Hanna: Um, hiiii really hot guy
Hot Guy: Whatever
Fat Hanna: Do you want to
Then Allison steps in and makes it clear that SHE’LL be there and suddenly Hot Guy is IN! Ugh!
Fat Hanna: FML and eff my santa suit, I’m going on a diet.
Back to the Interrogation…
Finally Hanna comes to her senses and is like dude, the picture you mentioned you saw in my living room this morning when you were naked except for your TOWEL! I think evidence acquired from the boinking of my mother does not count. Good BYE!
In Ezra’s Office:
Aria and Ezra are holding hands.
During school hours!!!!
And predictably…another teacher walks in on them. But…doesn’t notice…much.
Outside Wren’s Apartment:
Spencer: So my family hates me, they think I ruined Melissa’s engagement, but actually, it was kind of your fault. You kissed me.
Wren: Yeah about that…
Spencer: You have to tell them. Tell them you kissed me and stop hating me.
Wren: I think I love you.
Wren: I. Love. You. I met the wrong sister first.
Spencer: Ok, gotta go write my Russian history paper.
PLL Fans: Spencer doesn't take Russian History! Spencer takes Econ! #tvshowisdifferentfrombook
Rosewood High: Girl’s Locker Room
Emily is in a TOWEL—the official uniform of this episode and hears a scary noise which she goes to investigate—OMG Em, do you not watch scary movies? Just say no. But it’s not an ax murderer, it’s your boyfriend, Ben.
And apparently Ben thinks that the locker room is a great place to suddenly act all rapey and crap. WTH Ben!
Emily: GTFO ME! HELP!
Ben: PLEASE have sex with me. I’m the only member of the swim team who’s still a virgin.
Ben: Has Gone Psycho
Emily: Ben, it’s OVER!
At Ella aka Aria’s Mom’s Art Studio
Aria goes to see her mom and Meredith of the Flashback to the Year When Allison Saw Your Dad Boinking Your Not-Mom is there and she’s renting the studio for a show!
Aria: You can’t come here, you hussy!
Meredith: *rolls eyes*
Yeah, we’ll be seeing Meredith later tonight.
La Casa De Hanna
Hanna finishes getting ready for the party in the kitchen—can the Marin’s not afford a house with any other room in it?
Mrs. Marin: If there is alcohol, call me and I’ll pick you up.
Detective Wilden: I’ll pick her up in my cop car.
Hanna: That is SO not funny
Then Detective Wilden gets all shady and starts snooping through Hanna’s things in front of her mother and admits that he questioned her earlier and no, the department store hasn’t dropped the charges yet—OMG how hard is it to get the store to return your phone calls and finally Mrs. Marin comes to her senses.
Mrs. Marin: You need a search warrant if you’re going to touch ANY of Hanna’s things and you need to leave. Screw you and the towel you rode in on!
At The Party:
Hanna is being ignored by her Edward Cullen wannabe virgin boyfriend and Ben is there with a black eye courtesy of Toby!
Emily shows up with Maya and Ben sees them.
Ben: I thought you weren’t coming.
Emily: I just wasn’t coming with you!
Spencer: OMG I cannot write this paper on the Russian Revolution for my AP Russian History class.
PLL Fans: GAH! It’s AP Economics! #showisdifferentfromthebook
Audience: Is Russian History even an AP class?
Spencer: Shhhh, I’m trying to focus here.
Anyway, Spencer clearly CANNOT focus.
Melissa’s Laptop: Is conveniently sitting next to Spencer’s….
Melissa’s AP Russian History Paper: Has Been Saved in an easy to find place
Spencer: Looks at Melissa’s Paper
Melissa’s Paper: Is the Exact Assignment that Spencer Has Now
Spencer: Is a cheater
At the Party:
Hanna: Is Bored
Sean: Is Ignoring Hanna
Mona: Is going to get her freak on
Toby: Is watching people
Then Emily, Hanna, Aria and Spencer all get together and Emily admits that Toby saved her earlier and maybe he’s not such a bad guy. Plus Toby took the fall for The Jenna Thing because Allison had some dirt on him and he cried “guilty” in exchange for Allison keeping her mouth shut.
Then Aria leaves to go to her parent’s gallery, and Hanna goes to steal Sean’s virginity, and Emily leaves with Maya for the photo booth.
Spencer apparently has no further purpose for being at the party so she just stands alone and has the flashback.
Flashback to the Night of The Jenna Thing
Allison: Toby, you better make sure you tell EVERONE it’s your fault.
Spencer: Allison, what’s going on?
Allison: I told you to stay away from here.
Hanna: Can we please tell the police the truth? We’ll just say it was accident.
Allison: Shut up, fattie.
Aria: If we just…
Allison: Daughter of a cheater.
Finally Allison realizes she has accidentally gone into Hyper-bitch mode and tones it down saying the whole night was just a big oopsie and let’s go get some ice cream.
Back at the Party:
Hanna: Come on Sean, isn’t this spot perfect for the sex?
Sean: Hanna….stop….I must….protect…my virtue!
Completely insulted by Sean’s sparkly vampire virgin routine plus a timely text from A,, Hanna leaves and takes the keys to his car. Congratulations, you are no longer a small time criminal guilty of grand sunglasses theft, you’ve graduated to grand-auto theft. Hanna, there aren’t enough police officers in Rosewood for your mom to boink and save you from this one!
Meanwhile in the Photo Booth:
Maya: You’re pretty.
Emily: No, you’re pretty.
The Photo Booth: Snap, snap, snap
Emily and Maya: KISS!
Finally they have it going on…but….as the pictures of the make out session come out, someone swipes them…
Emily: Where are the pictures?
Maya: I think the machine is broken.
Emily: No, really, where are the pictures?
After the Party:
Aria—completely unable to get her dad’s secret lover to leave has retreated to Ezra’s house because she just needs someone to hold her. She gets to stay after 10 minutes of "We should stop--this is wrong--but I can't" shenanigans.
Hanna—completely drunk, crashes Sean’s car.
Emily—completely in love with Maya returns home and thanks Toby for saving her from Psycho Ben.
Jenna—completely blind is all like, WHAT does that mean? Why is she thanking you?
Toby—completely mysterious is like, it’s not what you think.
The Next Day
For some reason the girls decide to go back to the woods and Spencer admits that Allison had “something” on Toby beyond the fact that he was a peeping tom.
And then they find Allison’s bracelet…
Meanwhile as the credits roll…
Whoever stole Emily and Maya’s make out pics…has shut down an entire Kinkos with copies…