Mrs. Marin: Do you even know how many officers I’d have to boink to absolve you from grand auto theft, drunk driving AND car totaling?
At Allison’s Memorial Bench
Like Allison really wanted a bench, this girl if anything would have liked a mall dedicated to her, she’s probably going to haunt them all forever now because of this.
“Why didn’t you dedicate the maaaaaaaaallllll?”
Hanna: I don’t want to hold Allison’s bracelet anymore, it’s freaking me out.
Spencer: I don’t want to receive any more messages from A—you know what? I’m blocking her. *Spencer puts the block on her cell phone and laptop* Ha! Take that A!
The rest of the girls follow with the blocking and then
Hanna: Looking fiiiiiine Mr. F.
Spencer: Oooh la la!
Emily: *watches Aria who is trying to look nonchalant but kind of looks constipated* What, don’t you think Mr. Fitz looks good?
Anyway the girls are now all relieved—living in the electronic era of cells and email, they have NO idea that there is this thing called a post office and there are other ways for them to receive messages from A.
Case in point….
A Message From A:
This appears on an old Allison flyer written in red ink…
Ding dong the bitch is dead.
Is it like a rule now for A to make the lamest threats in the opening scene of this show?
We now know the answer to what to give to your girlfriend when you want to go steady—a red scarf! Thanks, Maya!
Maya and Emily share a kind of intimate though slightly awkward “Thanks for my first lesbian experience” hug.
Then the other Liars show up and they all get phone calls and text messages from…
Also, they think Toby is A.
Also, Hanna’s absent father is taking her to dinner.
Mr. Sheldrake: Spencer you wrote the best most amazing Econ Russian History paper I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s so amazing and new and so unlike
Spencer: FML! FML! FML!
Toby: Hello…my name is
Emily: *shakes head* *opens textbook* *finds pictures of her and Maya making out* FML! FML! FML!
La Casa De Aria:
Ella: So I’m going to have dinner with your father tonight…ALONE.
Aria: Awesome, yay! Go mom! Romantic night with dad!
Ella: Before you eat that carrot, is there anything you want to tell me. Anything important? Anything I need to know
Aria: Man you cut carrots well!
Flashback to The Year When Allison Tells You To Tell Your Mom That Your Dad is a Cheating Piece of Scum
Allison: Tell your mom you’re dad is a cheater or someone else will tell her!
Aria: Does not tell her mom
A: Muahahaha, thanks to this foreshadowing flashback I now have my next move!
La Casa De Emily:
Emily: Maya, these are the pictures of us kissing. I found them in my chemistry book.
Maya: Yays! I knew they’d turn up.
Emily: Maya, these are pictures of us kissing!
Maya: I know! We look hot.
Emily: MAYA! These are pictures of US! KISSING.
Maya: Em, I was a vampire slayer on another tv show, ok? Take a chill pill.
La Casa De Hanna:
Hanna and her mom primp in the mirror for the arrival of Hanna’s dad. He gets there, and already I don’t like him. He comments on how skinny Hanna is now and then leaves with Hanna…and not Hanna’s mom. Hanna’s mom thought she was going too. Ugh. I’m just watching this show and I feel awkward.
Also, Hanna’s dad is NOT there to discuss the grand auto theft, drunk driving totally of Sean’s car. Not at all, no way…oh crap!
The Love Lair of Ezra Fitz
Ezra: Aria, you are totally overreacting to this whole thing with your parents. You cannot tell your mom that your dad cheated.
Aria: What? Yes I can! I have to. I had a flashback in this episode. It was foreshadowy.
Ezra: You need to stay out of the affairs of adults.
Aria: What do you call this?
Aria: That’s it! We are so breaking up for the rest of this episode.
Hanna: I had the bestest time in the world with my dad. The fact that he walked out on me and my mom and hasn’t called me back once until last night means nothing.
Ezra: I’m using my a-hole teacher voice to alert everyone I’m having issues in my personal life.
Some Random Kid: Oh crap.
Ezra: I’m asking redundant and ridiculous questions to make it even more clear I’m having issues in my personal life.
Aria: Maybe you should discuss another chapter?
Ezra: IN CASE YOU DIDN’T NOTICE I AM REALLY HAVING PROBLEMS IN MY PERSONAL LIFE.
Random Kid: Did he just get even more pissed off when Aria started speaking?
Emily contemplates her “going-steady” scarf from Maya and Toby’s had his locker creamed. Le sad.
Later that Night at The Grille/Thai Restaurant/Starbucks
Hanna and her dad discuss Hanna’s life and the fact that she wants to get away from her life for a bit and clear her head.
Hanna: You know a good place to do that would be…
Hanna’s Dad: Rehab?
Hanna’s Dad: Jail?
Hanna: I was going to say your house.
Hanna’s Dad: BTW meet my fiancée and my new daughter!
La Casa De Spencer:
BTW Spencer has been abandoned by her entire family because she stole Melissa’s boyfriend fiancée. She is all alone, in a big house in a town where there is at least one killer on the loose.
And then she hears a noise!
She walks around the house which is dark and full of shadows—because when I hear a scary noise in my house, I don’t bother with silly things like electricity.
The scene gets scarier and Spencer grabs a knife!
Wren: It’s just me! I’m drunk. I brought you the rosebush from your own garden to romance you and SUMMON YOUR FATHER!
Spencer: Are you crazy? Also, please don’t drop the rosebush.
Wren: Drops the rosebush.
I think there’s some more dialogue but who cares because Wren is two corners away from adorable street and I sense kissing.
And someone recording them from inside Spencer’s house. CREEPY!
Aria: Remember how I said we were broken up for the rest of this episode?
Aria: After the way you freaked out on me in class, I just wanted to let you know that we’re still broken up.
Ezra: For the rest of this episode?
Aria: Nah, just give me till the next commercial break to calm down.
The Grille/Thai Restaurant/Starbucks
Hanna’s Dad: Isn’t your new stepsister awesome?
Hanna: I hate everyone!
Hanna’s Dad: Also, I need to interrupt this conversation to bring up your embarrassing grand auto theft drunk driving car totaling blunder. Also you now have to do community service at Sean’s mom’s office.
Hanna: I REALLY hate everyone!
Outside Emily’s House:
Emily takes the trash out and sees Toby, watching her.
Emily: Are you stalking me?
Toby: I live next door to you.
Emily: Oh right.
Toby: So you want to bond now over feeling like outsiders in a small town.
Emily and Toby: Have a bond
Aria: It’s after the commercial break
Outside some motel:
So Hanna drove Spencer and Wren to a motel so that Spencer didn’t have to drive? Does Spencer not have a car? Does Hanna still have her license?
Anyway Wren and Spencer kiss.
And A dedicates a song to Hanna on the radio.
La Casa De Aria:
Remember the foreshadowy flashback?
A has sent a letter to Ella.
Your husband is cheating scum. Also your daughter knew and hid the truth.
La Casa De Spencer:
Someone has been inside Spencer’s house. Wren’s broken rosebush plant has been arranged neatly on the counter.
Also, A wrote on Spencer’s mirror in lipstick!
A Lipstick Message from A:
I’m still here!